BREYANI and Melanie Scholtz!

So this has been a GREAT week so far. I've been to see 2 shows. 2 GREAT shows! Keith bought tickets for David Kramer's Breyani showing at the Baxter Theatre. Now though David is one of my favourite South African performers, I was slightly put off after seeing Songbook. It felt under-rehearsed and seemed as though all the big names in the production were competing with each other for attention! So when Keith came home with these tickets, I was not impressed...

On Monday night we went off to the Baxter. I didn't know what to expect: I didn't bother to research the production. So we sit down, and the stage looks......plain...... There was a cut-out of Table Mountain, a few umbrellas, a rug and a couple of chairs! I was NOT impressed. So the lights go down, and Donveno Prins enters with his sax..... What a great sax solo, and a beautiful opening to a STUNNING show. David had chosen to showcase music styles that are unique to Cape Town in a simple setting: no staging, no fancy set, no fancy costumes...... BIG risk there! The one thing that was FANCY was the cast:

A 10-piece band includes Camillo Lombard on piano accordian and Gammie Lakay on acoustic lead guitar. Donveno Prins, who wowed audiences in The Kramer Petersen Songbook and 3 Wiser Men, plays saxophone. Former member of DNA Strings Jacques Steyn plays mandolin and bass. Veterans of klopse bands Howard Links and Charlie Rhode play banjo, mandolin, and guitar, taking the moppie, the vastrap, the ghoemaliedjie and the tiekiedraai to new heights. From the stages of musical theatre and Malay Choir competitions, Loukmaan Adams sings and beats the ghoema drum. The much loved Sonskyn Sisters, Ruth Hector and Elspeth Davids sing their hearts out with a combination of cherished Cape standards and folk songs as well as material written especially for this production. David Kramer plays MC and drops in a song here and there!

This is such a FEEL GOOD production. These amazing musicians present a top notch historic journey through our culture musically. A celebration of CAPE TOWN music! The highlight for me was the Sonskyn Sisters. Those two women can darem sing 'n man op 'n traan! The lady who sang Calvinia had me in tears!!! If you can manage to get tickets, go and see this production!!!!

 _______________________________

I went to On Broadway last night to watch my best friend Melanie Scholtz's Carols Go Jazz. 

CAROLS GO JAZZ is a programme of soulful jazz-inspired traditional Christmas carols and carefully-chosen contemporary festive songs featuring Standard Bank Young Artist Award winner for jazz, 2010 - Melanie Scholtz.

As Mel's coach, I was involved in preparing her vocally for this programme of work - but I had NO INVOLVEMENT in the arrangements! These were all inspired by Melanie's brilliant musical mind. Each carol was approached with a different feel that made the carol interesting and exciting, but never once did she cheapen the carol or lose the intention created by the composer. My favourite arrangement was the last number of the show: I shall not reveal what it is now! But the introduction (which seemed to be a good 3 mins long) was an exploration of eastern modes and a semi-skat by Mel over a lush roll by the band that just went on and on BEAUTIFULLY! The build-up to the start of the carol was AMAZING! When the carol started, there was a little giggle of delight from the audience when they realised which traditional piece it was. The gentleman behind me (who sounded like he had gargled gravel before the show started) could not stop singing along the whole way through! The gent in front of me was moving with delight: he was so excited!!! On a slightly different note: during the break his wife bought a cd of Mel's. She read the thanks page out loud to hubby. So she got to the line where it said my vocal coach Jeremy Quickfall. So wife pauses and says: I've heard that name before. I think he may be well-known. I know who he is. She didn't recognise me!

Anyway, the highlight of the concert vocally was Mel's O Holy Night. It takes a very brave singer to attempt the National Anthem of Xmas Carols live. She did a stellar job.

So my advice for today: GO AND SEE MEL TONIGHT!!!! AND MAKE A PLAN TO SEE BREYANI. What a great lead up to Christmas.....

Is it really so difficult to be yourself???

It's 08h49 on a Wednesday morning. I'm sitting here at home alone. I have finally started standing up for myself in my personal life. It's a good feeling! Problem is, now that I have all this free time I don't know what to do with it. It really is funny. All I ever wanted was time for myself to do the things that I want to do. Seems I have been living for others so much that I have forgotten what it is that makes me tick. Or maybe it's just that - since I've stopped doing things for myself - my desires have changed. I used to love going to the movies. So last night I took out my credit card, went online, saw where Narnia was playing in order to book a ticket to go and see it! Once I got to the button that said checkout I had lost interest! How sad is that? What does that say about me? Have I become such a wimp that I cannot do anything for myself anymore?! Have I become so used to the pattern of my life that I've lost all sense of excitement and adventure? I mean, you can hardly call a movie adventure, but still....

Why is it that we surrender ourselves, our lives to those we love? Are we so desperate for affirmation that we will sacrifice our very souls for approval? The answer? YES! It is sad, but true. I see this daily among my students. The stronger personalities impose their ideas and ideologies onto the weaker more vulnerable students. There are leaders, and there are followers. Leaders need to choose whether they will lead their followers on a path of self-discovery and integrity, or whether they will lead them on a path of destruction and corruption. The latter, unfortunately, is the FUN option. It is much easier to keep control of your group if you are putting others down in the process. I have digressed.....

Back to our loved ones. I have been thinking about relationships (all kinds) for a while now. I believe that the problems we encounter with our loved ones are due to lies and secrets. Little things, like not saying we are unhappy about something that just happened, keeping things from them, adapting ourselves to suit their needs..... These little dishonesties create patterns and can lead to resentment, and I'm telling you: resentment is the beginning of the end of any relationship! Try as you may, resentment lingers long after the event that caused it.

So my healthiest relationships are my most recent ones. The ones where, from the beginning, I took the risk of losing my potential friend because I would be brutally honest from the word go. Saying what I feel when I feel it. No censorship. Approaching the relationship with the thought: if you cannot cope with who I am now, you will not be able to cope with me after a few years! I discussed this with one of my more reserved friends the other day (yes I have those), and he asked me if I really believed that people would be drawn to me if I showed them the true me all the time. He used the saying no man is an island to drive his point home. My response: by showing my friends my true self, our relationships have grown and intensified. That's the truth. I love my friends' hearts! If their habits change, and I truly love their souls, the love will continue. If the change of habit reveals more of the TRUE SOUL, our love will intensify! It makes sense to me.....

"I Am Changing"

I sang at a funeral again today: my aunt (dad's eldest sister) was buried. It's funny, I enjoy singing at funerals. Sounds a bit sick, I know, but it's an occasion where the singer can actually DO something for the people attending - especially if it's a family funeral. I am (often) given the opportunity to help console the grief-stricken family and friends of people who have passed on. I sang I'll Walk With God. It was one of my aunt's favourite hymns.

So this is the first funeral I have sung at since I started emoting as a singer. It was difficult. I also make an effort to CONNECT with the audience everytime I sing now. In order to connect with the audience, you must LOOK at the audience! The congregation today was slightly biased: they were ALL family! So when I started singing, and connecting to the front row (my late aunt's children), and all the head's dropped and the tissues came out...... I felt like a GIRL!!!! Now I pride myself on the fact that, as a singer, I can zone out and do my job under any circumstance. I stopped myself short of crying a few times! It felt good.... After, Keith's mom came to me and said: "My kind, jy sing vir Auntie altyd mooi, en Auntie huil aanhou as jy sing, maar vandag het jy beter gesing as ooit tevore." So there is some method to this feeling stuff madness after all! I think.....

My search for happiness has lead me to start exploring my relationships with the people closest to me! Thank the pope that I have so many people in my life that most of you will not know who I am referring to when I speak about them! PHEW!!!! I have found that I am distancing myself more and more from people who have different beliefs/morals to me. I used to think that even if we were completely different our tolerance of each other would make our friendships work. I don't know about you guys, but for me.....NO! I'm discovering that those people are just BAD for my spirit. Because we believe that DIFFERENT things are important to us, what I find important gets cheapened and ignored!!!

I'm also finding that I'm being drawn to different people. People who were in my life before, but who I never noticed because of my lack of being present emotionally before. These relationships are growing and blossoming, and soon they will bear fruit! It's so good to get to know people: disregarding where they come from, what they do, how old they are..... No judgement, just acceptance! Mutual acceptance!!

Unfortunately, there has been MUCH weeding! People who are toxic to me must GO! Thank God we all have different intolerance levels to different toxins. I cannot understand how other people get along with my weeds, but it makes me happy to see that one mans bread is another man's poison. As hurt as I am by these toxic relationships, I still hate to see people alone or unhappy. Which brings me to a rather difficult point: what about the people who I perceive as weeds who see me as a beautiful rose? Do I keep those relationships alive???? Keeping those alive kill me, but weeding these would kill the other person..... Any ideas?

On a lighter note!!! I'm another pants size down. I'm lovin it!!!

That's all folks!

Happiness...

So I figure that many people are out there searching for happiness! I typed the words "true happiness" into google, and was flooded with articles, books, advice.... I decided to have a quick look at what people say about the pursuit of happiness... The one word that kept on popping up in all these articles was "contentment". So let me google that. That's a fuck up, they use the word "content" to describe "happy" and vice versa. Another definition here is "satisfaction". Let's google that! "Content" pops up here too! Dammit!!!

Okay. So the wonderful web is just screwing me around! So I'm just gonna make sense of it myself!

I know many people who are content. They live in their big fancy houses, with their hot husbands, beautiful children, expensive cars, fancy friends, money! They are seen as being succesful... So maybe I should look at what success is! It (obviously) differs! For the broke young widow (with kids) it may be a loving, caring, gentle, settled middle class man. They get married, she is content - especially when you look at what may have become of  her had she not found him. For the poor young boy success may be the ability to qualify for and buy a car. I could go on and give you many more examples, but you get my drift. So success should then lead to happiness? Yes? Maybe?

The problem is that that broke young widow gets married and is not broke and stressed anymore. She adjusts to her new life, children are sorted, hubby amazing, life goes on. She is content! For how long though? Don't we all seek excitement? Don't we want something in our lives that EXCITES us? She is content, and google says that "content", "happy" and "success" go together! So she's then also succesful and happy. YES!

Contentment: I don't know about you, but for me being content and being happy are not one and the same. The word "content" makes me think of settling and compromise. It's like when the popular girl from school marries tha ugly nerd, because then she will have security! Forget that BEFORE she married mister boring, she was FUN, OUTGOING, VIBRANT.... She's living in her beautiful home in Sandton. Tea with all the other coogirls! Labels, massages, overseas holidays..... Success!!! Chances are she's F%$#@!G the gardener for a bit of excitement! But don't worry, I'm content!

So (obviously) I don't like that word. SUCCESS: I don't wanna spend too much time exploring this one! But if I need to sit in ONE more room where grown people behave like the kids on that KFC ad! You know, the one where they tell teacher about their holiday. It all sounds so GRAND! Then a little boy gets up and says he had KFC during his holiday, and the girl with the bushy hair cannot better it. I LOVE that ad. But I hate when grown ups behave like that!!!

Happiness:
So what is happiness then? I've done the content thing, I'm living the success thing! I have discovered that in order for me to be happy, I must LIVE! I must FEEL (pain and pleasure)! I must EXPLORE! I must DANCE and MOVE! Now when I was merely content, I switched off my emotions. I felt pleasure (a little bit), avoided pain (i wasn't feeling) and I accepted that life was going to work, cleaning house, shopping and visiting other "content" people!

So now i have become an emotional rollercoaster, but I am ALIVE! I am finally brave enough to take my life back! So what if it doesn't look right when a big man like me shakes his ass on the dance floor? FUCK YOU very much actually! There are people who truly LOVE me. They want me to do that! And to those of you who think it is wrong: I don't need you! My life, MY RULES! There is a good chance that this is the only one I get, and only I know how to make it a GOOD ONE!

So. I feel like this was all a bit childish! But, I am VERY child-like! And a part of me does not want to publish it! But another part says FUCKIT! This is how I feel!

Random thoughts (alone in my office) AGAIN!

So, I'm gonna have to buy a new belt soon: I'm on the last hole! As in the belt is almost too big for me... Happy times hey.

I'm still stuck playing for Ballet exams! It is really difficult STAYING AWAKE when I'm in those examinations... Two more days of exams: today and tomorrow... And then 2 days of an Advance 2 Ballet Course. I really have no clue how Mrs Draper (the ballet examiner) will present this course! She walks with the aid of a walking stick... To me that's like getting someone with nodules to teach a Singing Course...

I went to watch "Evita" at The Theatre on The Bay last night. Now the first rule of blogging is to always tell the truth! The truth is.....I don't wanna talk about the production.

I had a bit of a moment though, when I saw a poster up for "Handful of Keys" in the foyer... It's still a bit difficult to see somebody else on my poster... But, I then looked at the TINY poster and remembered the one that had my face on it in Joburg. It was the size of my office... And I look at the limited advertising, and remember how my face was on every pole in this city from Simonstown to Hout Bay (the scenic route). I feel slightly better. I also remembered how we filled the Baxter Theatre night after night... Good times!

I'm auditioning for "Phantom of the Opera" in December. My first audition in 5 years. I must say, I am a little nervous! I feel bad though. I did not tell my boss that I was auditioning. She found out, and was rather hurt and offended by it. I thought that there was no point in telling her, because there was a good chance that they would not be interested in me. Rehearsals start October 2011, so it gives us plenty time (IF they're interested) to chat and make a plan. And lastly, if they are NOT interested, I don't want my boss to know that I applied for another position and they declined!!! But, I AM auditioning for the title role...and I shall just put it out there: it is my dream role...

I have 18 mins till my first exam for the day... Waiting for a friend to call/sms... Kom nou...

Keith and I went out for breakfast this morning: full English. I feel like I've eaten a cow! I cannot even pull in my tummy right now... In the past, I would have had my full breakfast and MORE! I find that lately I chew gum: it keeps my mouth busy.

Lots of change in my life at the moment hey! A change is as good as a holiday. Funny, I never got that till now. But I'm enjoying the holiday...

For Good.... HAPPY WEEDING!!!

For Good is the title of one of my favourite songs ever. It's from the musical Wicked. I went into studio shortly after Lester's death and recorded it as a gift to my family. It gave me great comfort!

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
 
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
 
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
 
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
 
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore 

The choruses (the bits in bold print) are repeated and the song then ends.

The bit that speaks to me now is the beginning of the second verse. "...that we may never meet again..." This is a song about endings. The end of beautiful relationships! I never realised that until recently. I used to think that it was a song that just spoke about the beauty of love/friendship - which is what this blog is about....

Everything happens at the right time...... I get told that alot lately. It's right! We meet people, they enrich our lives.... If we allow them to, they help us along the journey of self-discovery. And as long as those relationships bear fruit, we need to continue along our path with those people. However, even the most beautiful tree can become a weed. Think, for example, of the Jacaranda tree. What a beauty, especially when it flowers! My aunt had a Jacaranda in her front garden for years. Eventually, she had it chopped down, because it killed everything around it! Including her King Protea bush that took YEARS to grow. Jacarandas (by the way) are banned in South Africa now. We are not allowed to plant or grow them anymore....

The secret is to know when to let go. To recognise that no matter how beautiful those purple flowers are, in my South African garden, Jacaranda is a weed.... Weeds do not bear healthy fruit/flowers. They bear BAD flowers that just help them multiply and create MORE WEEDS to suck the life out of everything that is good and wholesome....

I started weeding recently. It is DIFFICULT, but necessary.....

Lester and "The Chronicles of Narnia"

In my office again, waiting for my day to start. I have a full day of ballet rehearsals today! All day: starting at 09h30, finishing at 18h30! Now for those of you that know me, you know what my attention span is! All I can say is THANK YOU for facebook mobile and "The Chronicles of Narnia".

Yes, "Narnia". When we were kids living in Mitchell's Plain (I miss the Plain), my late brother Lester and I used to walk to the library in Lentegeur once a week to get new books. Lester was 4 years older than me, so whereas I got all my books from the Junior Library, he alternated between the two. When I was at Primary and he at Junior High School, our library got new copies of the "Narnia" books. I was a FAT boy growing up! When I matriculated, I weighed 128kgs!!!! So Lester and I used to race to the library to get the next book in the series. He always won! And....he would not allow me to read the book once he was done! NO! I had to go to the library with him, wait for him to return it, wait for the unfriendly librarian to put it back on the shelf, and take it out with my own card! I got the better of him ONCE though. While he was reading the second last book, I took out the last one in the series. So when he returned book no 6, I kept book no 7, and read the ending of the series first! I love you Lester, and I miss you....

Now I have been going through a rather difficult time emotionally recently, and I know that this is going to last for a while before it all gets resolved! I LOVE reading, but because of my HECTIC schedule, I've stopped reading almost completely. When things get tough, I usually grab a book for escape. Now a very dear friend gave me a copy of "Long Walk to Freedom" last year. I read and LOVED the book. I started reading it again (that's what I do), and the difficulties that Madiba went through did not make for happy reading this time!

Shortly after Lester died, I came across a beautifully bound (and very expensive) edition of "The Chronicles of Narnia". All I can say is Thank God for my gold card!!! I bought it, and stored it safely. Things are BAD right now. I cannot believe how much children's books can do for our spirits. I'm reading these stories (slowly this time), and I am reminded of a time when I saw ONLY beauty in the world! A time where I worshipped my parents: they were young and strong. A time where I had FOUR brothers - all of us living happily with my parents, Uncle Richard, Leslie, Grant, Urshula and Ryno (yes, 12 of us) in our 3 bedroomed home! I had my own bedroom, by the way!!! HAPPY TIMES!

So my advice for today: When life gets you down and you feel like there's no escape, forget that you are a grown up with responsibility for a moment, grab yourself a MAGICAL children's story and read..... A temporary escape, yes, but an escape just the same.......

The Warrior is a Child

It's funny how I only blog when I'm in a good space. I generally am in a good space though, so maybe it's not funny at all... Today is not a good day! I usually don't share the details of my bad days, but there's a first time for everything...

My mom got some bad news from the hospital yesterday. She does not want to share her news with the whole world, so I shall respect that, but things are not looking good at all at the moment. In the past - before I started really FEELING things - this would not have had much effect on me... But eversince I opened my heart up to really EXPERIENCING life, I've had the pleasure of experiencing as much pleasure as I have pain!

To those of you who know me, you KNOW that my mom and I aren't best friends! But last night (while I was driving to Somerset West with tears blurring my vision) I remembered my childhood with my mom. She was my hero!! When I started seeing Keith, his mom said to him: "I hope you speak about me HALF as much as Jeremy speaks about his mom". I thought of the unfairness of MY MOM sitting at a public hospital waiting with a bunch of RANDOM people because she cannot afford to pay for a doctor while her son (me) has money in the bank! Have I become so cold and distant from my mom that she cannot tell me she has been sick for THREE WEEKS and ask me for money to go and see a doctor?!?! I have!!!!!

In all fairness, my mom and I BOTH played a part in the destruction of our relationship! I shall not explore our roles publicly!! Those of you who know me know all the details! But last night - faced with my mom's sickness and my dad's despair - I relised that those two old people are MY PARENTS! And that, as much as I have distanced myself from them, I LOVE them. I had forgotten that I love my mom and my dad: Mamma en Pappa! En gisteraand was vir my 'n huge wake-up call.

So what now? The hurt and pain my parents have caused me still weighs HEAVY on my heart! But I cannot bear to see theirs! I don't know what the solution is!!

Last night was also a HUGELY emotional journey for another reason. I drove to my sick mom all by myself!!! How pathetic is that?! I REALLY needed company! But because I was so emotional, I was fussy over who could go with... It had to be somebody who had seen me 'broken' before! Very few people have!! As much as I am sharing nowadays, I still hide THAT from the world! I tell people, but I show almost NOBODY! By the time I arrived at my mom, I had purchased eye drops, put on my (false) cynical humour, and became my "I'm gonna cheer everyone up" counter-self! It was difficult, but I pretended well....

So when I left there, I REALLY NEEDED my friend. I had needed him with me when I drove to Mom - and he kept me company on the phone! THANK YOU!! On the way back, he couldn't.....

So I'm sitting here in my lounge now. Fokol geslaap!!! And I have a LONG day of ballet ahead of me.... I don't do ballet, I play the piano for ballet. I wanna go see Mom again today, but I have responsibilities at work I cannot ignore. And I KNOW that (taking my lack of sleep into account) I will fall asleep behind the wheel if I attempt to drive to Somerset West tonight.

My favourite gospel song growing up (yes I went to church once) was one called "The Warrior is a Child". The lyrics have NEVER left me. Whenever I'm down, I sing this to myself. Maybe it's time to share.....

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child!

The Beauty of the Human Voice

So it's been a while! There's a reason for this though. I have been rehearsing for a concert at college: The Beauty of the Human Voice. After hearing the chorus at college go from strength to strength, I had the idea to prepare a concert that used only the Waterfront Theatre School Chorus (2010). We would cut out any theatrical tricks in the presentation of this concert, and just prepare an everning of choral work. The first challenge was getting the chorus to commit to a rigorous rehearsal schedule. It turned out not to be a challenge at all. Some of the chorus members could not do the concert (due to other commitments), but fourteen of them committed to the rehearsal process.

Rehearsals were scheduled for 7am in the morning! Now for those of you who do not sing: it is VERY DIFFICULT to sing at 7am in the morning - especially if the choir leader is a bit of a sadist! But they pitched up everyday. Bitching and moaning..... Blankets, coffee, food...... Germandt.... Robz missing in action..... And despite all this, we got through a MOUNTAIN of work, and we had THE MOST FUN! As in every group, there is conflict between members, but the Chorus of 2010 are a supportive, enthusiastic, talented, hungry, loud GROUP of students. They even forgave me for missing one rehearsal: I overslept....

We had 3 performances. My chorus was AMAZING! Not only did they sing technically well, but they were AMAZINGLY MUSICAL! One does not often hear a group of singers who are MUSICAL together! They were so in tune with each other and myself, that every performance was different. Although dynamics had been planned and rehearesed, phrasing had been decided upon, tempi were rehearsed and endings were counted, none of this was done as planned. We tuned into each other as a group so intensely, that decisions were made while we were performing....TOGETHER! It was a beautiful experience. You guys are AMAZING!

This is what this blog is about: my AMAZING chorus. They sang well, they looked beautiful, they performed! In my eyes, none of this made them amazing to me. I believe that I have the most AMAZING chorus because of what they did for me on the last night.

My closest friend asked me a while ago whether I liked surprises. My immediate response was NO! But it made me think about why I said NO! After much thought, I gave a different response. I said that I have become immune to experiencing the excitement of surprises, because nobody ever surprises me!

So on closing night I knew that the chorus would thank me. I thought they'd probably do the typical wine and/or flowers..... I knew I would appreciate it. They didn't! Robz and Germz got up at the end of the concert and said a few lovely words about me. They then presented me with a framed copy of an enlarged photograph of the chorus. WOW! That was a surprise! It was special, because they had put some thought into buying me a gift! I LOVE IT! One of the soloists wrote me a letter and presented it to me accompanied by expensive chocolates and indigenous flowers! I felt like royalty (a queen!). It was a REALLY SPECIAL thank you!

So we started packing up and getting ready to go home, when Robz again came to fetch me. They then opened a chilled bottle of PINK champagne (they know me too well) and toasted me (I'm getting all smokey eyed now) and gave me an envelope. The envelope was hand made, and it looked pregnant! Needless to say, I was very curious to see what was inside. So as soon as I had packed all the equipment into my car, I opened it. Inside there were letters from each and every chorus member: they had hand written their Thank Yous to me individually. That is AMAZING! I'm sitting on my bed right now, and the envelope is right next to me! I shall keep it FOREVER!!! Please indulge me for a little while longer. These are personal letters that were written for my eyes only, but I am going to take the liberty of publishing just one line of each letter, so those of you who read this can have a glimpse of the most special thing that ANY group of people has EVER done for me.

You are one special man! Love you lots
You inspire me, and I learn so much from you.
...would always like to have you as a part of my life.
Thank you for being a caring teacher.
You have brought us together through music.
You taught me how not to be afraid...
I'm going to miss laughing and crying in my tuts
Thank you for being the most hilarious, temperamental, understanding but "take no nonsense" and "never settle for less" person that you are
the confidence you gave me has changed my outlook on my career
I appreciate you more than you'll ever know
encouraging me to give a little more step by step
giving me self-belief to broadcast my 'loud' voice to the world 

So now I'm crying again! Thank you!! My first REAL SURPRISE in years, and truly beautiful sentiments! I feel so loved.....

CERES

I was invited to Ceres to sing in a concert last night. The Anglican church here is 150 years old, and they have been celebrating all year. Last night's concert was a concert of instrumental ensembles! BEAUTIFUL music performed passionately by people of ALL ages......and me! I did my typical "I'm from Mitchell's Plain and I'm proud" humorous musical spoofs..... I was a hit - if I say so myself. The most exciting thing about last night was what I wore, well ONE of the outfits I wore:

Now I know it's a shit quality pic AND a shit pic of me, BUT.....this waistcoat has not been able to close in over 18 months. Not only did it close, but I performed in it. YAYNESS!!!

I decided to get up this morning to watch the sunrise. Now I have NEVER watched the sunrise before. I've had plenty opportunity to watch it, especially on the cruises I've been on, but NEVER. So I set my alarm for 5am on a Sunday morning!!! When it went off I nearly DIED! I wanted to go back to sleep straight away! But then I thought to myself: this KAK coloured mentality of missing beautiful things just to VREK in bed is OVER!! NO MORE!!! So I reluctantly got up, got dressed and went out to my car. I took a drive up to a beautiful spot in the mountain: the locals last night told me EXACTLY where to go. It's at the top of a ravine. When I arrived it was COLD and DARK! I couldn't see a thing!! But I heard the river SPLASHING down below. WOW!! So i found myself a little rock to sit on, snuggled (as best as I could) in my hoody and waited.  Little hint: if you EVER want to watch a sunrise, TAKE A BLANKET!!! The sky started changing colour.....to blue. blue? BLUE!? Where are my ambers and reds? BLUE!?!? What had happened was that there were very low, very dense clouds in Ceres this morning, EXACTLY where the locals told me to look to see the sun..... I was SO UNHAPPY! I was in the damn mountain at freakin 5 am to watch my first ever sunrise DAMMIT! And Mother Universe decided to hide it from me. Mense, not even a touch of amber!!! I then calmed myself down and decided that I would just wake up with nature this morning. So I looked down into the ravine at the river: wow! Looked up to the mountain peaks: WOW! And just listened to nature rise slowly from a deep sleep..... It was beautiful:

Now I believe that there is always something to be learned from EVERY experience. Though I was disappointed, I think the world was telling me a few things this morning.

I never knew that I would enjoy being out in nature. I'm a city girl. I wanna SHOP! Does this mean that I've suppressed my love for the outdoors? When I think of this, maybe I have. My favourite holidays ever were: The Kruger National Park, Tiffindel (a ski resort), Namibia (especially the quads in the desert) and river tubing down the Tsitsikama River. Am I just bloody stupid? How did I NOT notice that I loved being outside?

The other (more important lesson for me) is this: We are not meant to walk the earth solo, we are meant to have a partner. Our soulmate, love, the one.....whatever you want to call it. Now this morning, I decided to go out and experience what I now believe to be one of the most beautiful moments ever: the moment when the night turns to day! The universe decided to keep this from me today even though I made the effort to go and see its beauty.... Why? Because I was NOT with my love! My first ever sunrise will be with the man I love, the one I have committed MY ENTIRE LIFE TOO! Unfortunately, he's not with me in Ceres today.... I know that one morning soon, the two of us will wake up, grab a blanket and a flask of coffee, find a beautiful spot and watch our very first sunrise.....TOGETHER! I cannot WAIT!!!

Maak jou hart SKOON!

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, 

who would you call and what would you say?  

And why are you waiting?  

~Stephen Levine

I just stumbled upon this quote right now! WOW! It's the and why are you waiting that really gets to me! My students would say they have no airtime! I know who I would call - and I have already. This quote still makes me think of all the unsettled business I have just left hanging though. You know, through the years we screw up relationships with people (often because of our insecurities or social standing) that we never resolve. We just leave those.......hanging.......

I make that sound so innocent. It's not! There have been a few relationships that I have messed up over the years. Relationships that may have developed into meaningful friendships, but that had NO chance of surviving because of MY shortcomings. Now if only I had just let those go.... But I didn't.... You see, when you're student age your reputation and image are VERY important. So with me, whenever a meaningful relationship came to an end, I had to badmouth that person to save face with my pals. I can't believe I just admitted to that!!! YOR! And the closer the broken relationship was, the more I had to make MYSELF look like the innocent party! I can't believe I just admitted to that either! Having FINALLY admitted to all of that, I have ALOT of fixing up to do THIS WEEK! SHITE!!!

Now the reason for admitting the above is simple. I work at a college with people of student age. Many of them do the exact same thing! When I was a student, I felt that my actions were justified. THEY WERE NOT! I felt that I was the only person who did that sort of thing. I WAS NOT! I thought there were no consequences to my actions. THERE WERE FOR THE PEOPLE I LIED ABOUT! 

SHOO!!!!

So what now? There is only one thing to do! I will make a list of all the people I have wronged, find them and make ammends - if they will let me! SHOOO!!!!!! This is gonna be tough! The affected person should SURELY have the right to choose how things can be fixed - that is if they can be fixed at all.... SHOOOO!!!! I'm suddenly starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. But this has to be done. How can I go through life happily knowing that there are people who may still be hurting because of me?!?! Another SSHHOOOOO!!!!!! It's gonna be difficult...... But I MUST do this! Many people disagree with my morals (yes I have some!), but this is an important step for me. I cannot do justice to my current relationships if I am still lying to myself about my past ones! Yor, this list is LONG!!!!

So who would I call? I know EXACTLY who I would call...... I love you!

But it seems I have more than one phonecall still left to me (I got alot of airtime), so I must start calling....today! I will keep you updated.

And if you're one of those people with whom I need to make ammends, please be brave enough to tell me. I have a filthy mouth and vulgar habits, but a good heart. I want to make right.

Sunday Morning....

Sunday morning: 09h56. Home alone. I think I can count on one hand the number of Sundays I have been home alone in the last 12 years! Usually Keith and I do something on a Sunday, and before (when I was still a church goer) Sundays would start with church. On that note, I miss church! Now when Keith said he was going away for 3 weeks, my initial thought was YAY, PARTY!!!! Well, let me tell you something: Last night I dropped him at the airport, and I got so emotional that he was going to Europe and the UK for 3 weeks. I was shocked at how emotional I got when we said goodbye! It seems I have a heart after all.....

So day 1 of 21 days! I don't even feel like getting out of bed.... Is this what I've become? A man who cannot be alone? K just sms'd. He's safe in London! I wanna go see my folks today, but I don't smaak the drive to Somerset West alone. Now usually I love driving alone, but coming back to an empty house!!! Seems I love the old ball and chain after all!

So now what! DAMMIT! After looking forward to doing what I want when I want it for 3 weeks, I am now BORED! Any suggestions? Anyone wanna move in for 3 weeks!?!? I have a spare bedroom!

I'm starting to sound like a desperate spinster! It's just strange being alone - and not AT ALL what I expected it to be.... This is a great example of LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE'RE MAKING OTHER PLANS hey! I was gonna PARTY!!!!! Yeah right. Anyway, I'm gonna go shower now, and then see what the day has in store. A very good friend of mine ALWAYS reminds me that everything happens for a reason, and at the right time! I love my friend!!! So now I must just figure out what I am supposed to learn from being alone for 3 weeks.....

Anyone who wants to socialise, just gimme a call. I am a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY (MOTH) again - well for 3 weeks....

LUNCHTIME CONCERTS: What I Learned......

I usually make a point of blogging twice a week. On a Monday morning, and again on a Thursday morning. It's Wednesday! I have a good excuse though. We had our annual lunchtime concerts over the last few days. All the Musical Theatre students who I help prepare for exams need to get up in front of the entire staff and faculty and "show what they've learned". Now the lead up to these concerts are STRESSFUL for the students....and myself. Because they are FORCED to prepare a public performance, they suddenly decide that it is time to face all their demons, and deal with them - often with Mister Q's help! It's stressful, but I love my babies (they're the only ones I have), so I don't mind.

They were AMAZING! Each and every one of them. I cannot describe the pride I feel when I listen to them, watch them, perform with them! The best thing about being a teacher is that, if you want to be the best teacher you can be, you must LEAD by example. So I cannot adopt that age-old "do what I say, not what I do" attitude. The great thing about my babies, is that they challenge me. When I started working at the WTS, I had a singing face! Yep, a face I put on just to sing with. The more I told them NOT to copy my silly singing face, the more they did. So I had no choice but to get rid of it.... I did. They are more important than my insecurities!

There have been a number of little habits I abandoned over the last 4 years at the college. But, for this concert, I decided to address my BIGGEST ISSUE as a performer...right now.... Because I have such a large stage personality, part of my journey was learning to switch off my emotions in order to perform. This practice has served me well for MANY years and MANY performances. But I always knew that "switching off" was merely a part of the process, not the end result. Watching my students fight their demons is truly inspirational. So my challenge to myself was to choose the most emotional song I knew, present it as a performance piece - but rather than PRETEND, I would make myself EMOTE SINCERELY! Mense, my hart klop nou nog vinnig as ek daaraan dink. The song: "Kris, Look What You've Missed" from Naked Boys Singing. It's a beautiful and emotional ballad that shows the longing of a man who has lost his life partner to Aids!

So I explained to the audience what the piece was about BEFORE I started singing the song. It was VERY difficult. Grief is something that (although I have experienced it) I am not willing to show to the world. But I had promised myself I would. By the end of the epic piece, I had tears in my eyes.... It was difficult!!!!! The response? I was pleased and humbled by the audience reaction. While I was recovering from the performance, I looked around and saw all my students and colleagues in tears.... I feel SO BAD! Some of them rushed out as soon as I finished the song.... My students told me they were proud of me. Two of my colleagues congratulated me....I have more than 2 colleagues....

So it's a day later. I feel BAD!!!! I feel like I did everybody who had lost a loved one a disservice. I did what I had decided to do for myself - and the recovery time was LONG! 2 hours later, my heart was still beating at an alarming speed! But it feels to me now that it was at the expense of others... I do not want to hurt other people!

I think I feel so bad because I did something for myself.... We all do SO MUCH for everyone else that we often forget that we have needs too. This was an IMPORTANT step for me to take! I feel different today, somewhat empowered. Very emotional (not common for me). I feel like I may have been able to achieve my objective without causing anybody pain - and I may have! That would have meant compromising..... Our lives are all FULL of compromises. My director for "My Grand (ma se) Piano" told me that I was not to edit myself during the show. Well Paul Griffiths, I'm putting the blame SQUARELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS! Thank you!!!!! I needed that.

DOUBT!

So this has certainly been an interesting week. It's been one of those where I've been so moody. I found myself screaming at one of my students simply because she spoke to me! There is no justification for such behaviour... Sorry Rosanna! I really AM sorry...

So I'm sitting in my office thinking about my week, and trying to figure out what the hell was "broken". There have been a few things. The most difficult thing to deal with this week was when one of my students told me she had quite a serious problem with her vocal chords. Now as a teacher, I jumped on the guilt wagon STRAIGHT AWAY! I am still doubting myself, and my approach to singing.... It's really difficult living up to my perceived "SUPERMAN" reputation when I'm doubting my method. It turns out that I had nothing to do with her problem after all..... But once the doubt is there.....

I have been told on two occasions that I am manipulative now. A student told me that 2 years ago and then a different student told me the same thing yesterday:

MANIPULATIVE: skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage

wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

So I will admit that I am skillful in influencing others. However, I do believe that I NEVER do it for my advantage. So it is quite hurtful when I get told that. I am in the habit of telling people (especially my students) EXACTLY how I feel about whatever situation we find ourselves in at the most difficult time. Now (unfortunately for them) I think before I speak, so I can justify everything I say! But I NEVER bend the truth to suit my own needs.... I usually tell them the most difficult truth, in the hope that they will do the right thing.... 

Yor, I'm deep this morning!

So nou sit ek hier langs 2 studente en ek warrie oor my reputation. Ek is bekommerd want my untarnished reputation het nou 'n kol op! FOK! Doubt is a terrible thing hey! And even though I know I had NOTHING to do with this situation, I still cannot stop myself from thinking: Is there ANYTHING I could have done differently!

Fluit, fluit my storie is uit.... 

ok well as one door closes another one opens!!! safe

I don't think I have ever been hurt so deeply before by one of my students. I wrote a very difficult (private) message to a student informing her that I can no longer teach her. This young lady means SO MUCH to me. I always felt honoured to be a part of her journey. But, she really has treated me like dog shit this year. So, for my own sanity, I told her she was amazing, I love her company, and thanked her for helping me along my journey as a teacher... and then informed her that I could not teach her anymore. The title of my blog is her current Facebook status....

How do I feel? Like a fucken idiot. It feels like all the energy and personal attention I gave to this girl went unnoticed. Don't get me wrong, she is sounding AMAZING! She heard what I said to her as a teacher. It seems, though, that she NEVER heard what I told her as a friend and human being. I am sad this morning.

However, I made a conscious decision NOT to allow anything to get me down again. I am an optimist dammit. I am a firm believer of "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". So I will miss her, but what have I learned from this young lady?

1. Never judge a book by its cover - this girl has UNLIMITED potential and is blessed with way too much talent, and a good heart...... all hidden under the most vulgar exterior.
2. Never stop having fun - sy is 'n bok vir 'n jol. She KNOWS how to have fun under ANY circumstances!
3. To yourself be true - she says what she wants when she wants to say it, no matter what the consequences
4. Never give up on the search for knowledge - she has such a STRONG DESIRE to LEARN. As a result, she learns new things FAST!
5. I KICK ASS as a teacher!

So this morning I am a bit sad, but she has enriched my life for a couple of years, and the lessons she taught me were important for me at the time. I may not be sad after all, it was a good experience.

Yep, feeling good. It always helps to just write it down!

I'm coming out!!!

So for those of you who have been following my blog, it is apparent that I am undergoing a change right now. I have always been an optimist, but my optimism has just reached new heights. I remember when I was a teenager (who had a STRONG desire to be on the stage), I wanted to be the tragic hero(ine). Not only on the stage, but in my everyday life. Unfortunately optimism and living a life of tragedy do not go together. So what to do? I used to make myself unhappy so that people could relate to me. So that they could feel sorry for me and want to spend time with me. Oh the life of a fat teenager!

Then I got old! Now the things you do as a teenager stay with you! I started out as a tragic hero(ine), so to a certain extent I had to stay one. But I was a tad older, so it changed slightly. I was still an optimist (the soul does not change), but God forbid anyone should know that I was actually happy....So I tried wearing a mask of pessimism. That was a bit dark for me! I found a solution though: I could become CYNICAL!

CYNICISM: An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others....

www.thefreedictionary.com

Cynicism made me seem deep and artistic. I enjoyed being perceived as the Randal (from Idols) in my social groups. But that's not me.

Now recently, I have felt entitled to start showing the people around me what's inside my heart. For instance: I LOVE to dance. Before I wanted to learn to play the piano, I wanted to dance. I BEGGED and BEGGED my mommy, but there was no extra money in our household. So I became a social dancer. One who literally dances through life. I'm dancing again! With no shame and/or embarrassment for the dancers who I work with on a daily basis. I don't know WHAT THE FUCK I'm doing, but the other night I caught myself doing a Quickstep (solo) down the length of my road. It was AMAZING! I LOVE dancing!

It's not easy for me to show physical freedom. I will always (in my mind) be the fat boy I was growing up. I conditioned myself to fight the urge for at least 20 years. I'm not anymore.... Never again. Also - in my heart, I am a QUEEN DELUXE! And Madame Leslie (that was my professional drag name - yes I did drag professionaly) is coming out the closet.

On a more serious note. I am an OPTIMIST!!! I see the world through rose-coloured glasses. I believe that my country is the BEST FUCKEN PLACE IN THE WORLD TO LIVE! I love my job! 

I wanna start a group of optimists. What the fuck's wrong with being HAPPY! Will all the optimists in the room say YAY!!!

....and the TRUTH shall set you FREE....

As a very good good liar, I wanted to explore my thoughts on this subject. I was one of those people who could lie to my nearest and dearest with my eyes open, tears in my eyes and no guilt!!! Now there are many people out there who wished they had my gift - stop wishing. Paired with the afore-mentioned gift is the ability to smell out any other people with the same ability. This is a great skill for ANY teacher to have, by the way.

MY LIES
This blog is becoming very difficult to write. If you have spent your whole life lying to your nearest and dearest (which are first your parents) it becomes a habit. The worst thing about making a career of lying to your parents is the fact that you NEVER get caught. So there are NO consequences to your lies and you leave home feeling like the Superman of liars. You then enter the world (and your first serious relationship) with this mentality. The problem is this: your parents had 5 sons, so they did not have the opportunity to get to know each son as intimately as the first partner. So he catches you! The first time you get caught is KAK. I was convinced that he would leave me! He didn't by the way. After the first time, you promise yourself that that's the end. NO MORE LIES!!! Then there are no more lies, but it's not easy to just stop a habit. So they creep in, little by little. I convinced myself, over the years, that if K knew the real me he would leave me! He never did! I have gotten better. Bit by bit I reveal more of my true self to him daily, and he accepts (is hurt by the deception) all of it!

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?
LOADS! All my other very close relationships (especially the ones that happened after K) were, from the beginning, much more open and honest. My oldest friend (old as in a 22 yo friendship) knows EVERYTHING about me. I trust him with my inner most feelings. And our relationship started with lies! Especially lies about conquests.....for years. My youngest close friend (3-4 yo friendship) has a very special bond with me. Because I can accept that I am worth the time my friend spends on me, I do not need to make anything up to make me seem more deep or interesting. I have found with this one, that the more I reveal truthfully, the more I get back truthfully.

Being true to myself at work has made the workplace such a good place to be. I do not lie to my students about where they are technically or emotionally. This has given me a reputation of being a dragon! And by telling the truth I am one! But, they love their dragon, and he loves them.

So what have I learned? I can never EVER completely leave the lies behind. So I made a decision: those whom I care about get only the truth. The ones who will never be more than acquaintances: I need to stretch the truth to stay sane, so I might as well lie to them..... It sounds cold, I know, but I'm finding that I'm getting rid of the acquaintances anyway. That's a FUCK UP: pretty soon I will have nobody to lie to anymore!!!

Soulmates

A soulmate or soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility

Wikipedia

The word 'soulmate' has stuck in my head eversince Germandt used it in his blog a few weeks ago (www.germandtgeldenhuys.blogspot.com). The concept of the elusive soulmate has never appealed to me. The idea that we are but 1 half of a whole..... I don't know. I like to think that I am complete all by myself. My relationship with my partner confirmed my belief. We are NOT AT ALL alike, yet we make each other extremely happy. When I'm emotional, scared, unhappy, he makes it better; and at those times I feel like the 2 of us are 1 being!!! So is that it? Is K my soulmate???

Yor, this stuff is KAK deep for so early in the morning (it's exactly 06h53). I hope it doesn't make my brain shut down....

To answer my own question: I think not! If we really are 1 being that has split into 2, would there not be major similarities? Especially in habits?? Would we not feel the same things at the same time? Would we not have the same desires? And I'm talking about little things! For example: we never have coffee together. We will drink something together, but when I desire a cup of coffee, he desires a Coke Light. When I want to Karaoke, he wants to go to the beach - I HATE the beach and he HATES Karaoke!!! 

Maybe I'm thinking about this in the wrong way. Should I be looking at our souls and not our habits? Even there, we are night and day - I shall not explore our souls publicly, but trust that we are DIFFERENT!

Now, let's say that by some fucked up act of nature we discover and get to know the elusive soulmate. Is that really what will be best for us? Someone who has the same desires, habits, drive, desire for intimacy...... What would we learn from the soulmate as a partner? To settle, accept, never strive for change?

On the other hand: what would the soulmate offer? Understanding, acceptance, solace, unconditional (and non-judgemental) love, perfect intimacy..... Would having all our deepest desires fulfilled not lead to the necessary change we all need to undergo to become the best self we would be? Or would we become so comfi that it may lead to us becoming complacent and mundane?

All these questions and no answers! I'm starting to feel like my blog is a long monologue mense (well the 5 that follow). Please tell me what you think!

Butterflies.......

I'm feeling so unsettled lately. I have so much nervous energy! This is all strange and new to me. Ususally I am a fan of new experiences, but I am NOT enjoying this one. I feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen!

Maybe this is due to the fact that I have just recently started to really FEEL again. I have been wondering through this beautiful life with rose-coloured glasses. It's not like it's been easy sailing either! I have had some KAK experiences! For example: I was fired from my first job because a 15 year old GIRL said I touched her!!! You find a girl who I have touched, and I will introduce you to a liar! Not even that affected me the way little things are affecting me now..... The other day, while I was driving to work, I was SO MOVED by Barbra Streisand's cover of the gospel standard Holy Ground! Mr Q was crying mense. Another example (which was much more embarassing) was in my first year class on Friday. One of the boys started speaking (very emotionally) about the fact that one cannot always be who you are in company: about the need to hide! I cried with him......in front of my class! I have NEVER cried in front of my students!!!

So what the hell is going on! If you have an answer, please speak up NOW!

I don't know what's happening, but......I am LOVING it. I am, for the first time in a long time, being affected by other people's fears and insecurities. Once upon a time (a very long time ago) I was like this. Before people started judging me for my strange (by that I mean gay) ways! Growing up in the closet is difficult. Parents do their best for their children, ALWAYS! But, my parents were given a problem (me) they did not, and could not understand. So what do you do, where do you go if not to Mamma en Pappa. Pappa is 'n predikant!!! Ek gaan Hel toe!!!! Al my broers is popular en het meisies, en hier sit vet, lelike ek alleen. So, you stop feeling......for 20 years!

So here I sit (alone in my office again), listening to Barbra (again), with butterflies in my stomach. I am KAK scared of my unpredictable self....... But I am equally excited! In my 32nd year, I am getting to know myself again. It's freaking out those who are very close to me, but I think they all know it's for the better! I just hope I don't ever become like Paul (my AMAZING colleague and director) and start crying at (literally) the drop of a hat......

Random thoughts (alone in my office)

This has been a good week! One that has been filled with laughter, talking kak, time spent with special friends, reconnecting with old friends, old acquaintances becoming new friends..... sleepless nights alone, long working hours, sick (again!)...... I love how life just makes things work out for us: I had sleepless nights because I missed my love (that's positive), my working hours are LONG, but my students make me happy (that's positive), when Robyn realised I was sick and had no time to go to the doctor/pharmacy, she gave me tablets (that's positive). Why is the trend to focus on the negative then??? For me, the glass is ALWAYS half-full.

On a different note: I am alone in my office this morning. I haven't been alone in my office in a LONG time, and I don't quite know how I feel about it. I fear being alone with my thoughts! But right now it's kinda nice. Don't get me wrong - I would choose company over being alone every time, and I miss my friend. But.....this is nice. Is that what age does to one?

Funny little thought about age: the average life expectancy in South Africa (according to wikipedia) is 49.3 years. So FUCK wikipedia, I'm going with the bible! Psalm 90:10 says: The days of our years are threescore years and ten [70 years]. Does that mean that in 3 birthdays time I will be middle-aged!!!! YOR!!!!!! You're right Shaun, Im OLD.......and I've had heart surgery!!! Djy! A person doesn't joke about surgery!

Which leads me to another random thought. Why DON'T we joke about things like surgery? The first thing I said to my dad after his triple bypass operation was: Het Pappa dit geniet? I got a smile! It's like when people tell moffie jokes. They tell their jokes, and they tell their jokes UNTIL a moffie walks in. Heeerel mense! That effing moffie has heard them all. He's the pro! Hoekom is julle almal nou sommer tjoepstil?

Mense, Keith told me last night I'm becoming too common! I think I must stay away from those cloras (is that how you spell clora?)! They just make a person common.....Yor! I'm glad I'm not common ne!

Liefies vir almal!
Ek gaan nou chila......

Saleh and my MID-TERM BREAK

Mid-term break wasn't so bad after all. I rehearsed, did the concert, taught, played/sang at the funeral and spent yesterday with mom-in-law! I enjoyed all of the above. In addition to this, I slept late twice (today I only got up at 1pm), spent a day with my dear friend Saleh ('twas AMAZING!), an afternoon with Mrs Kleinhans (my 80+ year old friend) and even had alone time with K! Also stayed abreast of current events (facebook!) and e-mailed a friend or two, offering advice......in true Mr Q (take responsibility for yourself) style! Was productive and I got some rest.....

The highlight of my weekend was the day with Saleh. Now I haven't seen Saleh in a LONG time. So I went to his new shop, saw the cottage he is renting, saw the house he is buying, visited his mom, visited his friend Martin, coffee in a tea garden, wine tasting in Constantia and lunch in Kalk Bay.......and chatted and joked and just enjoyed each other's company.

Saleh and I met 7 years ago. He came into my life at a crucial time, and helped me through a very difficult patch. A month before I met Saleh I was fired from my first job. According to the school (and the police report) I touched Samantha (yep a girl!!!!) inappropiately: apparently I cupped her boob and then slid my hand down to her.......ooohhhh NNNOOOO......I can't even say the word. The closest I can get to a name for it is fanny! KAKKA! I have and would NEVER, EVER even LOOK at a tart! But, I was fired from my first job after only 1 term. It would have killed me. I was broken: I did not work for 7 months! I would probably have done something really stupid if it hadn't been for Saleh. Saleh worked around the corner from where I live - he was a shop owner. I spent EVERY working day with him! I would go with him to measure curtains, hang curtains, buy material.....Saleh was, in short, the distraction that kept me sane while I was seeing lawyers, going to police stations....... I am eternally grateful to him for what he did for me, and I love him deeply.

On Friday it felt like nothing had changed. I was so exhilerated that evening. We bring out the light (as opposed to darkness) in each other. Why, though, did we allow ourselves to drift so far apart? I know why I allow that to happen: my insecurities. I am always worried that I'm gonna maak 'n las of myself - I only realised this recently, when a younger friend (jy lag al weer vir my ne) told me he doesn't sms because he doesn't want to maak 'n las. He (the younger one) knows that I love him, and I told him that he could never EVER become a las. I meant that! So you can see where I am going with this! I will not let Saleh out of my life again: he's too important to me. Hopefully he feels the same.....na I know he does!

Craig Ross's Funeral

I played the organ and sang for a funeral at the church where I served as an organist for 10 years - until I stopped going to church completely. In the last 3 years I have only been to church's to play/sing for weddings and funerals. But today was different. Today was MY church. I saw all the old congregants, we sang all the old hymns, I played the organ that my choir bought after raising the money ourselves.........

I also saw the leadership that let me go, had cake and tea in the hall where I played my final church fundraising concert, stood on the stoep where I would hide and cry during church services.........

A part of me wanted to say Yes to all the people who begged me to go back to the church today: they have not had a musician there since I left three years ago. I realised how much I missed being part of that kind of community. And then my head reminded me of the countless Sunday mornings when I would have to pull off the road to calm down and stop crying. The phone calls to my dad in Joburg to ask for advice. How unhappy Keith was with the unhappiness the church caused.

So when a little old lady asked me if I would ever belong to a church again, I found it very difficult to answer.

Enough about me. Today I had the great privilege to be part of a send off for the late Craig Graham Ross. I was asked to play the organ, and sing a solo. When I asked Maureen (Craig's wife) what to sing, she said that I had known Craig and that I should decide myself. STRESS! I then thought of Craig the man. I met Craig 13 years ago. He was a sickly man, in constant pain. There were 2 very special memories. One was Craig's standard comment whenever he heard anybody speak about a good church musician: Yes, but you haven't heard OUR church organist. Say what you want, Craig Ross was loyal to me. The other amazing thing about Craig was the fact that he NEVER complained about his health. WOW! I sang For Good from the musical Wicked.

So what did I learn from Craig? How to cope with adversity. How, you may ask? SMILE! Craig Ross always smiled with me. It warmed my heart. He would make whoever was pushing him around (in his wheelchair) stop wherever I was, just to smile and greet. Now when an older heterosexual Christian man shows such love, compassion and tolerance for a rather difficult, always thinks he is right, LOUD queen (!)..... That's someone special there. Thanks Craig. Your love did not go unnoticed!

MID-TERM BREAK

Funny how we all moan about our places of work - me included. But every now and again our bosses do some really cool things for us! One of those cool things at my place of work is the mid-term break. We get a weekend off (friday to Monday) slap bang in the middle of each term. We are worked HARD at the College. If I have a half hour break in my timetable, it gets filled asap. So when mid-term break comes around, I NEED that weekend.

But now I'm sitting here at home: first day of mid-term trying to figure out what the hell I'm gonna do. I moan all year that I never get a day off. Now that I have one, I have FILLED it with activity. Was meant to meet a friend for coffee at 7 this morning, but my tummy decided to fuck with my sleep!!! So I needed the sleep this morning! Sorry friend. I now need to go to Constantia to meet another friend for brunch and a kuier. Thereafter I am teaching for 3 hours, after which I get into my car to drive to the City Hall for a rehearsal of tomorrow night's Welsh Choir performance. Tomorrow I was booked to work with exam students all day, and then off tho the performance. It changed though: First I'm going to play and sing at Craig Ross's funeral, then off to college to salvage what I can of the exam rehearsals, straight to Welsh Choir performance. Sunday will be spent with mom-in-law, and I don't even wanna THINK about Monday!

I'm not complaining! When I was sitting at home depressed because of a lack of work, I asked God to make me busy. If you didn't know this, I am telling you now that God has a sense of humour! Ask ANYONE who sees me everyday what my life is like. I run around like a headless chicken all the time. It's a good thing I do not have children! But......I LOVE IT!

I have so much responsibility: it causes stress, screws with my health, interferes with relationships...... But it makes me feel ALIVE! I have found my purpose for now - I do believe (by the way) that our purpose changes a few times in our lives. Mine is to inspire! What a privilege.

For those students with question marks right now? I believe in TOUGH love. I sometimes think the TOUGHEST!  

In conclusion? Well I had some train of thought, but I went off on a tangent...as usual. Anyway, enjoy your weekend!

Parallel Consciousness: A Play by the 2nd year Drama Students!

I had quite an emotionally charged Master Class with my 2nd year babies today. They have spent the last 5 weeks preparing a play that they wrote themselves: Parallel Consciousness. They asked me to attend their performance tonight. I am not in the habit of attending drama performances at the college. I feel that it puts me under too much pressure to give my opinion of their work. So i said No. They responded quite....uhm......emotionally. I then suggested they offer me a comp to watch them. That was the first explosion! There were a few more explosions! We settled down, I hinted that I may (after all) attend the performance, but proceded to ask them WHY they thought I would attend. I was quite hurt by their responses! Not ONE of them gave me the reason I sought: I care for them.

It's my own fault though. I'm very good at pretending that I do not care. I just assumed everyone could see through it. They then spent a large part of the day discussing this class......and as usual they came to all the WRONG conclusions about me. And as usual, Mr Q (that's me) heard about it in technicoloured detail! It was thus with great difficulty and much sadness that I attended tonight's performance (accompanied by my 2 bodyguards: Aine and Shaun).

PARALLEL CONSCIOUSNESS:

I promised my babies I would write what I felt (it's easier than saying it out loud). It was very difficult getting into the play (with all the nervous energy I was feeling). Besides my butterflies, it was also one of those pieces where you had to wait till the very end for the explanation. So you sat there wondering what the hell was happening the whole way through. I didn't mind that at all though. Congratulations to Tommi for not even winking once while I was trying my best to distract her. The bulk of the cast were frozen in time as we entered the chapel, and they were required to STAY IN THAT POSITION. I was closest to Tommi! Thumbs up to the toys for their singing, and their comedic characterisation! They kept me interested the whole time. The humans (dead and alive): you did a sterling job in holding the piece together, and making a dramatic statement! Beautiful journey. Theoca and the boys in black: I LOVED the way you guys were willing to do the comedy bits that were a bit embarassing to the actors! I was embarassed for you guys sometimes!!!! Well done. Jethro: WOW! Flip, I hope I haven't left anyone out!

I LOVED the Hollywood ending - I'm a sucker for cheap thrills!

It was difficult.....but I'm glad I went. To my 2nd years: don't assume ANYTHING about me. If nothing else. I'm unpredictable.

Mwah! (that's gay for xxx)

Relationships

So after my last blog (!) I've had an emotionally charged weekend and HECTIC day today. It's been sorted, I am neutral! My emotions have shut down temporarily. It's better that way. The students who care for me deeply (especially one young lady) are very worried about my lack of interest at the moment. But, it seems we are on a road to recovery......

So over the last few days, I have been faced with relationship problems: not my own! It's funny how we screw up our relationships with our partners from the word go. A manual needs to be written. Should come standard with each birth. Detailing how to start a relationship with a potential life partner. It should cover a few things:

1. Don't pretend to be something you're not
2. Don't do everything your potential partner wants, sacrificing your own needs in the process
3. Don't forget your friends
4. Don't tell your potential partner intimate details of your family life (esp about your parents). Let him/her make up their own mind.
5. Don't lie
6. Don't EVER take the 5th amendment. Talk to your potential partner.
7. Don't EVER assume anything!

Why is it that our tolerance level drops the moment we commit to our partners. When we are courting, we are patient and kind, we hear each other out, we support with love and tenderness. Once the relationship has been established it becomes: He should freakin know what I'm feeling by now! Are you bloody stupid? Do it yourself, I'm busy! Shut up! You haven't changed!!!!

The last is my favourite! Why do we want to change our partners? It's the differences we see in them that attract us to them in the first place. Then there's the other side of the coin: the woman who becomes a carbon copy of her husband. How dare he!

Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person. (Wayne Dyer)

What happened to loving me for me. Why are we more tolerant of our friends' shortcomings than those of our partners? I have no answers. Just questions. 

I have found that in my relationship with my partner (of 12 years), communication is the key. We make a point of chatting in bed EVERY NIGHT for at least thirty minutes. I love him, he loves me. We need to know what's happening in each other's lives, how we respond to situations and what the partner thinks of our actions. We need to make an effort to know our partners well. They are evolving all the time, and we need to stay up to date. 

Fluit, fluit my storie is uit....

Love.....DAMMIT!!!

So I believe in love.... There, I said it! I believe in unconditional love between two human beings, but that's not what I wanna write about. I wanna explore the love between friends. The kind that does not allow our judgmental natures to interfere with the love we share. I find that kind of love can be as painful as the first I mentioned:

Why do we expect so much from our friends? Or rather, why do I expect so much from my friends. I give myself COMPLETELY, holding nothing back. When I'm hurt, insecure, angry, feeling fat, whatever....I tell my friend. When I've done something good (or bad), my friend is the first to know! When I need to bitch about K, well, you get the idea. I love that he accepts me and allows me to be my truest insecure self. He knows when to just listen, when to give advice, and when to hold me. I love that he can be all of this for me.

Why then will he not allow me to be all of this for him. I was thinking today, and realised that I know nothing of the intimate relationship he shares with his partner. Realised that when he needs comfort, he just deals with it himself, doesn't tell me. I know his personality and habits better than anyone, but know no details!

So does this make me selfish? The fact that I get to offload when I need it? Or is he the selfish one? Unwilling to share? What does this say about our relationship? Is a friendship not about sharing with each other, or have I got it all wrong? Is this really love, or just convenience? Anything but Lonely - the title of an Andrew Lloyd Weber tune - am I just a substitue for solitude?

I'm feeling baie insecure tonight mense. Any advice, input, insight would be GREATLY appreciated. You cannot comment here, but feel free to write on my wall on FB or inbox me.

Love......well I think it is........

"NOISES OFF" at Reddam House

My students are gonna be so proud. I watched a play tonight!!! No Music! Can you believe it! I loved it. It was a farce by Michael Frayn. Noises Off is set in a theatre: final rehearsal a few hours before opening (which ends up being the dress rehearsal and tech call as well. Sound familiar?)

In the first half we see the disastrous rehearsal: was very entertaining and funny sometimes. Second half is the show! Now I love cheap thrills (along the lines of There's Something About Mary) and this was filled with them. I was so relieved when the whole thing ended because my stomach muscles (????) were aching, and my tear ducts were empty.

I have seen MANY high school productions. This one was well-rehearsed, had good direction and a strong cast. Lighting and fx cues were on time!

What I loved most was the passion (I hate using this word!) these kids have. There is something to be learned from high school drama students. Sure, they are technically insecure and don't really know what they are doing; but they have PASSION and ENERGY.

What happens to this passion when they get to Tertiary level then? My job is to teach technique and intention. Who is responsible for keeping the love of theatre and singing alive? Surely I cannot be expected to take responsibility for this! The onus is on the student to keep his love alive. Learning technique is a difficult and emotional journey. Sometimes soul destroying.

I have told my students that if they allow ANYBODY to kill their love/passion/drive, they did not love enough to start with. To my babies at college: I love you, but you and only you can keep yourself going. Never forget why you decided to study performance in the first place. And.....if by chance you do (forget), go watch a high school show. I am so inspired right now.....

Teaching versus Performing

I have the great privilege to be a teacher. It is my responsibility to give my students an holistic approach to becoming the best singer/performer/interpreter of music they can be. I take my job very seriously! Whenever I doubt my ability as a teacher, affirmation pours in from students (old and new), colleagues and industry peeps. The Vivacious Voice students have been a great source of affirmation recently - which I needed this week especially....

Chatting to one of the Vivacious Voice girls today reminded me of a chat I had with my brother a few years ago. Four years ago, I was a full-time freelance performer. I had just completed a run of my biggest break (A Handful of Keys) and things were looking up for me as a performer. The phone call from the Waterfront Theatre School arrived at that time. Needless to say, I accepted the job. My eldest brother then drove to my house to discuss this with me. He told me that I was compromising: that I was the best performer he had ever seen and that I was giving up. Problem was, I missed teaching....

At the beginning of the year, I was suffering from headaches and a slight depression. Teaching was getting to be too hectic and I wanted to perform. So I wrote my first solo show: My Grand (ma se) Piano. Preparing for this show around my hectic schedule was K@K difficult! I hated the process and despised myself for doing something as stupid as a SOLO SHOW! Self-doubt is a terrible thing. The headaches were then joined by backache, asthma, colds and flu, verrucas, pimples! The night before opening, I considered cancelling the whole thing altogether! Thanks to Paul, Aine, Cheri and Robyn for the help that night.

The strangest thing happened. Once I was running at the Grahamstown Festival (2 differnet runs simultaneously!), all the aches disappeared..... I felt healthier than I had in years. How K@K was that! When I performed I was sick because I wanted to teach, and when I taught I was sick because I wanted to perform... So what now?

I want it all! And I'm gonna have it....

I need to teach: I need the special relationship I have with each and every student. I love them all dearly (sorry if that freaks out the straight [what's that???] guys). I need to perform: I LOVE the limelight, though I pretend it's not that important to me.

At the moment I have a happy medium. It gets a bit hectic sometimes, but I love it.

So stop worrying WTS peeps, I'm very happy right where I am! My favourite qoute is the title of my blog. My second favourite: If you continue doing what it is you were born to do, success will find you! Now if only my money angel could find me already......

Sanlam's Got Talent

So I had the privilege of attending the Sanlam's Got Talent Showcase this year. Ian von Memerty was the MC for this event, and since I am his official Western Cape pianist, I played the piano for him. This whole concept and execution thereof is phenomenal. Often businesses come up with the most amazing ideas, but then fall short with the execution. Not Sanlam:

Sanlam's Got Talent starts with an audition process where people who work at Sanlam are allowed to audition to be part of the showcase. So they choose their cast, and then they HIRE A MUSICAL DIRECTOR to conceptualise, arrange and present the showcase. WOW! They then hire a beautiful venue (this year it was the lovely Lagoon Beach Hotel) where they have 2 performances: the first one for senior management and the second for junior management. The juniors, by the way, were alot more fun! Then (now this is the best part) they hire Professor Mike Campbell's Jazz Ensemble to accompany their singers!!! Not backing tracks or a pianist, but a jazz ensemble complete with brass!

So they really put on a great quality show. Then there's the cast: well, Sanlam definitely has talent. Every single cast member has talent. 8 people who love singing so much, and have the voices to match their passion. I (obviously) had my favourites: the young lady with the Yaris who sang Celine Dion and the slightly....uhm....less young lady who did Tina Turner. I have NEVER heard Tina done this well. Shit, I must find this lady: I wanna do a show with her.

So now why can't more companies (including ones that are linked directly to the entertainment industry) have this kind of budget for their young talent? Certainly a happy staff is more productive??

On a different note: 1 down, 2 to go! My verrucas. My right foot has healed completely. YAY!!! Now just one sore foot... After months of medication it took normal white VINEGAR!

One more question: long or short? Please advise.

Vivacious Voice en my nuwe stoel...

I have 10 mins to blog this morning before my first appointment arrives! It took my laptop 15 mins to start up! Maybe it's time I bought that Mac???

Anyway, I have been doing something different on a Tuesday night for the last 4 weeks: presenting a singing workshop (okay, well, not SO different) for Vivacious Voice. Students sign up for an 8 week introductory course in singing, which ends in a concert on week 9 where every student must sing a solo. Now I have, for a long time, challenged the decision to teach people to sing in private. When I was a student, the course was designed in a way that NObody would sit in on our lessons, except an accompanist at examination time. Now I have (eversince I started teaching at the College) made singing lessons sessions that are open to other students to attend and watch. My reasoning was that it would help the singers get over their fear of performance. These public singing lessons were done in conjunction with weekly master classes, which meant that my students never have a private moment with me.

Now my decision to do this has been challenged: not only by my peers but especially by students who come from other teachers. They refuse to sing when people are in the room....initially. They then get over themselves and learn to accept my terms and conditions!

The point of all this useless information:
I am starting to believe that private lessons just delay the learning process. It encourages laziness! Now why would I say this? Well....if a student needs to learn a song for a lesson, and they don't they only lose face with their teacher. But when teacher forces them to get through the song in front of their classmates......

So my new babies at Vivacious Voice. They are quite a cool bunch. Ranging in age from 18 up to 40 years old. Een haan, sewe henne en 'n moffie! Shame, poor Geoff..... They have improved so much as a group over the last 4 weeks. Wow! All proof that a much faster improvement can be seen within a group dynamic than one on one singing lessons! I'd like your views on this please....

On a lighter note

I bought a chair!!! Finally I can sit comfortably behind the piano. YAY! Don't you just love my delivery girls??? Thanks Chloe and Robyn.

Over and out.....

Students, a bitch and veruccas!!!

Okay. So I'm sitting in my office waiting for a guy to arrive who I was meant to meet today. When he called to ask for lessons, I said I was too busy. He then begged me just for a meeting and possibly 1 lesson to just get him going. So nou sit ek hier soos 'n poephol en wag.... Dis 19h11.... He better not ask for it to be rescheduled!!!

But what is it with people. Why make an appointment if you're not gonna pitch up for it. Had a student cancel her 10h00 singing lesson only after 11 today. I leave work 3 hours before I need to start work for a reason: I HATE being late. Also, I hate the traffic, and after sitting in the traffic I find that I am not productive at all. My job is important to me, so I wanna do it well! It seems that I am one of few people who see their job as a calling....

From moaning about others to moaning about my health!!!

For those of you who do not know what they are, pray to God that you never EVER get veruccas on your feet. The PAIN!!! I have 2 little ones on my right foot and an even smaller one on my left. It was misdiagnosed and mistreated initially. After weeks of applying and re-applying KROKO ointment to my feet, I went online and looked at pics. There I saw looking at me eeltjie en beeltjie in living colour on my laptop se screen. I have veruccas!!! They are warts on the soles of your feet. However, they grow into your foot rather than surface because of the pressure on them constantly. So I read about treatment, and there are people online who have been struggling with these things for 40 years!!! Goodness Gracious!!!! There are all sorts of treatments. I opted for the Treat at Home column: ducktape and vinegar! You must smell my bedroom. Cotton wool soaked in vinegar at night held in place by ducktape, and just ducktape during the day to smother the things. I opted for gaffer tape (being theatrical and all). It's working (thank the pope).... They're starting to go black and die. YAY!!! a tiny note on verrucas: I got them at the f*&^%$# gym. In the showers! So what now? Do I just stay eternally fat??? I'm not going back for more. DAMMIT!!!

On a more positive note: I'm learning to love my bitch Giulia again. She became all patchy and scaly (due to allergies) and started to stink. Now most people have empathy when their doggies are sick, not me. I despised her so much for making my life hell. After COUNTLESS trips to the vet and the vet shop, her hair is finally growing back. She still stinks up a storm, but I'm hoping that once all the skin has healed, the smell will go! Will keep you posted.

I must go home, K is cooking dinner and I said I'd be there before 8.

Lekka slaap peeps. Chat soon
Mwah....

Let's see if this works out for me

So finally I've decided to do this. Enjoy reading other people's blogs so much that I thought it was time I saw if I could put my thought on paper too.

The college has just finished a short run of a show: Dance Me a Song. I was asked to prepare a few nos for the show - against my will and the wills of the students in my department. There is so much to tell about the rehearsal process: especially about the relationships between staff and students at the establishment where I work! But, I have decided (with this blog) not to rehash things that are too far back in the past. Current news (like 1-3 days old maximum) will be reflected upon.

About the show:
There are a few of us (fortunate folk) who see the results of our daily labour constantly. I am one of these fortunate folk. It is my responsibility to teach young adults to sing. This is not easy! But, I do believe that I have a nack for teaching (coming from a LONG line of teachers, including my dad).

Maybe it is just me being biased (because they are my students), but my babies are AMAZING! I watched them last night with tears in my eyes. From the brave ones in the opening number right up to the relief on their faces at the end of a (somewhat stressful) successful run. My mom said that she loved the fact that they enjoyed themselves so much!

My battery's dying.

I'm not to keen to share my feelings by mouth, but good on paper. For those of you who read this, this blog will become a peek into Mr Q's head... Chat soon!!!