So what to write about now?
When people started reading my blog and commenting on it, the one comment that kept me writing was "you say what I think but am afraid to say". My mom once told me that I was very brave to write down my feelings so freely (I have gotten into plenty of trouble because of this). So the question I need to ask myself is "what have I not spoken about yet?"
It was our first wedding anniversary on Sunday. I can hardly believe we have been married for a year already! When I was twenty-something I once asked somebody to marry me. I got an emphatic NO, and was convinced it would never happen. Fortunately, the universe had other plans...
Our anniversary started like any other Sunday: we woke up at 6 to prepare for church. I played for the 7:30, 9:15 and 11am services that morning. The gospel reading this past Sunday was Mark 6. It's when Jesus went to his hometown, and his own people did not take Him seriously. He was thus unable to perform as many miracles as He had in other towns. It felt like Donald Stewart was speaking directly to me during the sermon. I realised that our ministry does not necessarily lie with the people we love the most. Jesus had to go away from His family in order to fulfil his role in the world...
There are many people in my past who want nothing to do with me anymore. I have been holding onto the hope that one day we would reconcile. The sermon on Sunday made me realise that it is okay to let them go. This does not mean that I do not love them! It is my love for them that has kept me holding onto the pain. My definition of love might differ from yours: love (to me) is being available when people need you - and I am! So I let go. I spoke to my parents about this on Sunday night. Pappa understood and agreed. Mamma has a different definition of love, and we debated for a bit, but she agreed that what I decided was best for me.
It was during the 9:15 service that the floodgates opened: Shaun and I never go up for communion together (because I am the organist), but because it was our anniversary we celebrated the sacrament of communion as a unit. While waiting at the communion rail, Connie came and prayed for us: giving thanks to God for us and our union, and asking Him to bless us in our marriage. This token of love and acceptance is not something that homosexual couples are used to - especially not in the church - and I was moved to tears. In this state of heightened emotion, I went to the piano and started playing and singing the next hymn: "Amazing Grace". I did not get very far. While singing "I once was lost but now am found", I remembered that it was Lester's (my deceased brother's) 41st birthday too. This worsened when I realised that I had chosen one of his favourite choruses "Give Thanks" to follow "Amazing Grace". When the sacrament ended, I had to dry my face and calm down before I could get up and walk back to the organ. I spent the rest of the morning (and the drive to lunch) grieving for my brother.
We went to the restaurant where we had our wedding reception for lunch - and ate way too much - and spent the rest of the afternoon with my mom and dad. We just had a lekker gesels about whatever came up, and it was beautiful. We spent the evening together at home.
My mom is always on my case about having children. I've told her many times that if the world wants us to have children, it will send them our way - and it did. Our daughter Robyn was the first person to wish us on our anniversary, and our daughter Cindy the last... Shaun's parents, brothers and cousins all wished us for our anniversary, the people from church wished us, our friends wished us. It was a beautiful day!
I guess the timing of the sermon message was just perfect! I was told to let go on our anniversary. The only people who wished us from my side of the family was my mommy and daddy. I thought for a second I would end my blog with the previous sentence, but that would just have been for dramatic purposes. I am not sad about it at all. My entire childhood was spent in the church, and I am so happy that the answer to one of my most difficult questions was answered there.
I once was lost, but now am found
Was blind, but now I see
