I'm sitting on the wall outside my office. Typing on my new little pink laptop. NO! I haven't won the lottery. My previous laptop has reached the end of his life. His motherboard is screwed. I love my little pinkie! She's so cute. Goodness me, did I just call one of my possessions a girl??? Times are changing hey! There has been alot said about pinkie! Some people say she's too gay. Come on! Have you seen her MOMMY??? It's a little thing, but I feel so good about the fact that I have what people call a gay laptop.
I have suppressed my femininity for 33 years now! WHAT FOR? Because people told me it was better to be straight acting. It's fine that you're gay, as long as you're not a moffie!!!
It's a week later. I'm sitting in my office. I start work in 2 hours time. For those of you who do not know this about me: I HATE BEING LATE. Punctuality is so important to me that I leave home at least 3 hours before I need to be at work - so that I can miss the traffic.
So recently my blog has been about my break-up and the recovery process. This one is about the man I broke up with. We started seeing each other 13 years ago. He's an amazing man. I was a 2nd year university student looking after myself at the time. Although my parents offered moral support, they were not at the means to help me financially. I was 19, living on my own, paying my own university fees. Times were tough!!! I was a professional drag queen at the time. Drag paid well! I was able to pay my fees, accomodation and look after myself.....barely. Then this AMAZING man entered my life. 15 years my senior. He was willing to love me, care for me, share his life with me. I jumped at the opportunity to love him. And love him I did.....and I do! I dedicated myself to him emotionally, financially, intelectually...... I was a naai though, ek was 'n rondloper...... I know, that's an unforgivable sin. He never knew!
I lived with him, sharing EVERYTHING(!!!) for 13 years. And then one day (about 12 years into our relationship) I just wanted out. We had the perfect life: a beautiful home in the suburbs, very successful careers, beautiful cars, money to spend...... I believed we would be together forever. But after my 32nd birthday I wanted something different. It took me nearly six months to build up enough courage to finally tell him how I felt. And then another 2 months to move out!
So right now, I am happy! But he's not! And I love him! I always will. We decided that we would stay friends, but it's not that simple. Our friendship is painful. Too many memories - good ones. I want to hold him, tell him everything will be alright. I want to make him a cup of coffee. I want to wake him up when he has fallen asleep in front of the tv and make sure he gets to bed. I want to cut his hair because he hates the hairdresser. I want to.........
I can't!
I remember how I used to snuggle up to him every night while we fell asleep. How we used to chat in bed for quite a while before saying goodnight. I can't bear the thought that he is lying alone.......
I can't........
So my question now is this (though I already know the answer): Will I ever stop loving him?
No.
Having answered that one: How do I forgive myself for what I have done to him?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies!
So it's been a while. I know! My life has changed so much over the past 2 months. I'm sitting on my bed in my mom's house. A man 2 days away from his 33rd birthday living with his mom. I sound like a failure! If you listen to what certain people are saying about my decision to move in with my mother you would believe that. Which brings me to the point of this blog. Well, two points: success/failure and lies/truth.
These are the opening lines of Ashley Tisdale's Tell Me Lies. It's funny how everybody always tells us that we need to be truthful at all times. Yet, when we are truthful, we get told we are rude. Sit 'n wag voor jou mond. Jeremy never knows when he's gone too far. How could you tell her THAT??? My response to the last question: Why did she ask then?
Everywhere we go, people demand the truth. Especially people who have been put in positions as our superiors. They will give us their opinions of everything we do: from the way we dress to our telephone conversation manner. Now my mind works in tangents (as in when I speak about one thing I think of something else), and my tangent right now is this: who decides what the truth is? Your boss's opinion is his truth, not necessarily the truth. So does this mean that my truth is also valid? Good question....
It seems to me that often, especially in relationships, there is one truth that is accepted by the bulk of the people wo see the relationship from the outside. They generally accept the truth that the dominant partner tells about the relationship. What makes this more scary is that sometimes even the more submissive partner accepts the other's truth. So you have the weaker individual living in the shadow (and sometimes by the rules) of the stronger one. And when the relationship ends, most people will still just listen to ONE truth.....
So I have touched on what success is not to me briefly in one of my previous blogs: Happiness..... I think that the most critical judges of our success or failure is our family. Not our immediate family, but rather our aunts, uncles and cousins. My mother makes mental notes of everything I tell her so she can go and tell my aunts about EVERYTHING even vaguely impressive. I've sat in on those conversations before. When my mom starts telling them, I leave. I love my mother, and I love that she has things to say about me; but I prefer to keep my success to myself. Another tangent: if it wasn't for the newspapers my mom may have nothing to brag about..... I'm gonna sound all arty farty now, but success is something completely different to me. It's not the money that makes the man, it's the people whose hearts he touches. My father started out his career as a very succesful man. He came from a family of teachers, he was the youngest of 8 children, and the only one who ever became a headmaster. At the age of 36, my father left his position as headmaster and went to college (a wife and four kids in tow) to study to become a priest. I was too young to remember what dad was like before, but to me Pappa was a hero. The people LOVED him. My father was a GOOD PRIEST! My mother stayed home to look after us. When I was a laaitie, I bragged with my parents. We all did (the brothers). My parents have NO MONEY, but they touched so many lives. Whenever I go to Mitchell's Plain people still talk about my father's ministry. The parish I grew up in still wants my little old daddy back. The world sees my daddy differently. He is a pensioner with a broken car, no house, and a few of his children (including me) still living with him.....
Now to get to the point of all of this. I was admired as being a succesful man: expensive car, healthy long term relationship, beautiful home in a sought after area, good job with a good income. The only thing on that list that I still have is the job. Many people don't understand why I would have done what I did. It seems silly! But I feel like such a success now. I have FINALLY stood up for myself and what I believe. It seems to some that I have no prospects right now, but I am (finally) HAPPY! I feel like a MAN! As for the bit about lies: there are so many untruths going around (especially in my family) about what happened between Keith and I. I'm meant to be at my godson's birthday party today.......
So, I'm sitting in my mommy's house on my brother's bed. All I own is a kak bakkie, but I am a MAN!!! I feel good......
It's in your eyes, feelings can't be disquised
Cause the truth makes me want you to tell me lies
My biggest fear is crying oceans of tears
I would rather you not be so sincere
These are the opening lines of Ashley Tisdale's Tell Me Lies. It's funny how everybody always tells us that we need to be truthful at all times. Yet, when we are truthful, we get told we are rude. Sit 'n wag voor jou mond. Jeremy never knows when he's gone too far. How could you tell her THAT??? My response to the last question: Why did she ask then?
Everywhere we go, people demand the truth. Especially people who have been put in positions as our superiors. They will give us their opinions of everything we do: from the way we dress to our telephone conversation manner. Now my mind works in tangents (as in when I speak about one thing I think of something else), and my tangent right now is this: who decides what the truth is? Your boss's opinion is his truth, not necessarily the truth. So does this mean that my truth is also valid? Good question....
It seems to me that often, especially in relationships, there is one truth that is accepted by the bulk of the people wo see the relationship from the outside. They generally accept the truth that the dominant partner tells about the relationship. What makes this more scary is that sometimes even the more submissive partner accepts the other's truth. So you have the weaker individual living in the shadow (and sometimes by the rules) of the stronger one. And when the relationship ends, most people will still just listen to ONE truth.....
So I have touched on what success is not to me briefly in one of my previous blogs: Happiness..... I think that the most critical judges of our success or failure is our family. Not our immediate family, but rather our aunts, uncles and cousins. My mother makes mental notes of everything I tell her so she can go and tell my aunts about EVERYTHING even vaguely impressive. I've sat in on those conversations before. When my mom starts telling them, I leave. I love my mother, and I love that she has things to say about me; but I prefer to keep my success to myself. Another tangent: if it wasn't for the newspapers my mom may have nothing to brag about..... I'm gonna sound all arty farty now, but success is something completely different to me. It's not the money that makes the man, it's the people whose hearts he touches. My father started out his career as a very succesful man. He came from a family of teachers, he was the youngest of 8 children, and the only one who ever became a headmaster. At the age of 36, my father left his position as headmaster and went to college (a wife and four kids in tow) to study to become a priest. I was too young to remember what dad was like before, but to me Pappa was a hero. The people LOVED him. My father was a GOOD PRIEST! My mother stayed home to look after us. When I was a laaitie, I bragged with my parents. We all did (the brothers). My parents have NO MONEY, but they touched so many lives. Whenever I go to Mitchell's Plain people still talk about my father's ministry. The parish I grew up in still wants my little old daddy back. The world sees my daddy differently. He is a pensioner with a broken car, no house, and a few of his children (including me) still living with him.....
Now to get to the point of all of this. I was admired as being a succesful man: expensive car, healthy long term relationship, beautiful home in a sought after area, good job with a good income. The only thing on that list that I still have is the job. Many people don't understand why I would have done what I did. It seems silly! But I feel like such a success now. I have FINALLY stood up for myself and what I believe. It seems to some that I have no prospects right now, but I am (finally) HAPPY! I feel like a MAN! As for the bit about lies: there are so many untruths going around (especially in my family) about what happened between Keith and I. I'm meant to be at my godson's birthday party today.......
So, I'm sitting in my mommy's house on my brother's bed. All I own is a kak bakkie, but I am a MAN!!! I feel good......
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