Inside my head at 1 in the morning....

The thing I love about teaching music is that I form a very special bond with almost all of my students. We spend so much time alone together, that it is difficult not to. We know so much about each other - my students and I. Not silly things like their ages, children's names, spouses names, favourite colour, favourite food, hobbies...... No - the really important things like their hopes and fears, insecurities, secrets.... I once had a mother call me to ask if I would speak to her daughter (my student) because she had had a bad day. On another occasion I was having a heart to heart with a student. Her dad called. She said: "Pappa, ek gesels met Mr Q". He put down the phone so quickly, as not to disturb us.

The more I think about it, the more I realise how privileged I am. They open their hearts up to me so much that I can tell (the moment I see them) when something bad has happened and they just need a second of my time to let it out, or sometimes just a smile. 

Maybe this is why I have never desired children of my own. Well, it could be just the thought of making them that puts me off....... I love children. I love the way they see life, and find that often I identify with them more than with the grown ups. 

My mind is all over the place and I'm tangenting from one thought to another.

Next thought - should I try to adopt a child? This is a question that has haunted me for a long time. My students often tell me I will be a good dad. My mother says so too. I just don't know if my child will be bullied at school because he is from a gay family. I am so scared of being a father. What if I am solely responsible (with all my good intentions) for raising an unhappy child? I don't know the answer yet.

Back to why I have never desired children. I think many people have children because they feel they are incomplete. I lied - I wanted a child once in my old life. My ex refused. I then stopped thinking about it. But maybe I was trying to fill a void? I don't know. My students treat me like a daddy. They look to me for answers, and they trust what I say without question. Isn't that an important part of parenthood? Helping them find answers? I haven't felt a void in years.

I am all over the place. Back to where I started.....

I love teaching music. People respond to me as a teacher. I asked a student today how one created an environment of respect in the classroom. She gave me many answers. I came up with one: LOVE. It seems to me, more and more, that everything I do is somehow connected to love. My love for music is probably the most obvious (and easy) kind of love to mention. I really do love music, and I try to share my love and passion for music with everybody. 

I don't believe, though, that this is all they respond to. My students often tell me that I have a really rough/tough exterior, but that they can see my heart. My ex told me that if it wasn't for my great love for all people, I would have been a horrible person. I really do LOVE people - even the ones that I hate. I get angry, and say horrible things, but I really love quite intensely. 

This blog is getting quite uncomfortable to write now...

We love sharing things with those we love. I love my students. I love my choristers! 

Gonna stop now. That's enough of that hug the trees and arty farty s#!+!

Good night all!