3 weeks later...

So I've been living with my mom for 3 weeks now. I was rather embarassed when I had to admit to this fact initially. A 32 year old man who moved out of home before he was 20 now back at mom's! She's loving it though. In some respects, so am I. My mom cooks everyday, and I bring leftovers to work. My hungry students look at me with such envy daily. One of them opened my lunchbox today - after I had finished my food - just to taste the sauce of the tomato bredie I had brought to work today.

Another privilege is that I'm getting to know my little neice who lives at mom's. Mika. I have never been terribly fond of children, but then I have never had a child live in the same house as me. Mika is a beautiful baby. She turns 2 in April.

I never thought that I would say that I love a child (brat - that's what I used to call them), but Mika Jada Quickfall has crawled under my skin. I am totally addicted to this little girl. Until she takes a crap! Then I don't wanna know her. The last nappy I cleaned was sis-in-law's (well ex now) baby - who started high school this year! Actually, when I think of it, that little girl and her brother were the first 2 kids I was addicted to. Funny, when we broke up, I never considered the effect our break up would have on my relationship with the in-laws. I miss them. Especially the kids. No, all of them.....

It surprises me how much I miss my ex-in-laws. I spent so much time at their homes! I played an important role in all the family get-togethers. When I wasn't there, they would miss me! They accepted me (all of them) with open arms as a son, a brother and an uncle. NO QUESTIONS ASKED! When the shit hit the fan, I would go and visit them, and I'd feel better. Whenever anything good or bad happened in my life, they were the first people to call and visit: to help celebrate or to help accross a difficult patch in my path. When Lester died, they were all still grieveing the recent loss of their dad. But they flew to Johannesburg to be with ME at my brother's funeral. I really miss them!

I was gonna write more, but now I'm slightly otherwise..... I shall continue later.......

"Bubbles"

Bubbles - that's the name of my new bakkie!!! You could hardly call it new, but it's new to me. Below is a pic of Fleming. Fleming was my previous means of transport!

I loved Fleming! The very first time I met him, I knew he was meant to be mine. The salesman told me to park on the beachfront in the Strand, and when he came down that long stretch of road I just KNEW that that Alfa was meant for me. He gave me amazing service for over 3 years...and he was FUN! Yor, he could fuck off hey! People admired his sexy lines......

Fleming has been sold! Gary (his new daddy) took delivery of him on Thursday! So I have (due to unforseen circumstances -see previous blog post) had to downgrade ever so slightly. My new little boy is Bubbles!

Now as you can see, Bubbles is not going to win any popuarity contests.... Nope, he's VERY DIFFERENT from Fleming. However, I don't want to have to take the train soon again. I don't mind the rust, the boring colour or the look of my little Bubbles. BUT I MIND THAT AWFUL ROOF RACK!!!!! My little boy will undergo a gradual transformation over the next few months! But for now, he's keeping his current look. I must just tell you that that roofrack was almost a deal breaker. Now I don't have an issue with straight, butch people. But must my cute little baby have his cuteness violated by this galvanised steel resin-mounted monstrosity??? I mean, if us queens get to parade our personalities the way we do, then maybe those of the non-queen variety should get to do the same! But now my poor little innocent Bubbles must be the victim!!! Don't worry my baby, soon Mommy will make it all better. We'll take off that big manly thingy on your kappie and replace it with something.......pink.......and feathered....... Mommy must just make us some money first okay!!!

All jokes aside. I HATE the rack!!!! But I haven't been this excited in a long time! It's a bit blind to go in to work with a rusty Ford Bantam 1400 19voertsek bakkie after my Alfa Romeo Sportswagon 2.5 V6........ But he's mine! And when I look at Bubbles, I see potential! In a few months time I shall post new pics of my little boy! I can't wait to see the response then.

Potential! My life is pretty shit at the moment (financially especially) compared to what it was! But, there is potential for much change....... Positive change! I am convinced that GREAT things are gonna continue happening for me. Despite obstacles and difficulty along my journey, my life thus far has been quite extraordinary.......and it will continue. How many of you thought that Mr Q would EVER drive an old blue bakkie????

But you know what? Bubbles is all I need! I loved the climate control, cruise control, momo leather, bose sound, rain sensors........but a car is a thing to get you from point a to point b in some degree of comfort. Compared to the train, Bubbles is a five star hotel! And he's a bit like me: an old work horse......

The End of an Era

It's been a while. Rosanna asked me the other day why I haven't been blogging. My response? I've had nothing positive to say. The holidays were very difficult for me. I decided to end a very special relationship. My partner for nearly 13 years (it would have been 13 on the 13th March) and I decided to break up! It's not been easy. Especially because there was nothing wrong with our relationship. I wasn't unhappy, we didn't fight, we had no financial problems. So why the break up then?

I have asked myself this question many times. We were admired by our friends as being an example of 2 gay men in a long term relationship. We did everything together. Did the overseas holidays, dinner dates, family events... He spent alot of time at my office: the students LOVE him. People who were part of my life before us admired his gentle, caring, generous nature. He was committed to me!!!

It was a funny thing that triggered my decision to end it all. I blogged one day about being an optimist. In that blog I mentioned a moment where I found myself dancing in the street of the home we had lived in for 10 years. I was SO HAPPY at that moment! Unfortunately, he did not share in my happiness.... This started a train of thought.

I then looked at our relationship, making a list of pros and cons! You know, like on the movies. The pros FAR outnumbered the cons. The cons was this little list of nearly nothing, and the pros continued indefinitely! I had 'married' a GOOD and moral man. A committed partner, and supportive husband. An attractive man that many would love to have!

My best friend often speaks of deal-breakers! You know, things that just are not negotiable. There was a deal breaker! One tiny phrase on my list of cons that I had lived with for 12 years, that I was just not willing to do anymore.....

So the break up happened. IT WAS DIFFICULT! Those of you who are my friends KNOW that you were all ignored during these holidays. I had something MAJOR on my mind. Emotional ups and downs! FUCK but I cried. I thought at one stage my tear ducts could not produce any more tears. The worst part of all this? I had to do it alone. There are 1 or 2 people I spoke to at the time. But people have their own lives and issues to deal with. They cannot be at your beck and call just because your life is falling apart! They have their own shit. I remember feeling so alone! NEEDING someone to talk to. Someone to hold and tell me everything was going to be okay! I KNOW that I have friends who would GLADLY have done this for me. But it's blind to ask someone to hold you, just because you need it.... Especially when so many perceive you as being some sort of Superman person....

I moved out of my HOME 11 days ago. It was so difficult to leave. I packed my things, loaded up my station wagon, and was going to leave... I then took a walk through MY HOME! 10 years! We had decorated our home together. The straight lines and clinical approach were his contribution, mine was the browns and fabrics: the things that softened everything and gave it that homely feel. I stood in the lounge for a few mins - he was outside cleaning MY POND and tending to MY FISH - and cried. I'm getting all emotional now again... My home... Every piece of furniture, every cabinet, every ornamental piece I helped choose and place where it was. I had spent hours cleaning things carefully and lovingly placing it back at the spot that I chose for years... That house was an extension of who I am, who we were, and I was leaving it all behind... Fuck, I'm sobbing now...

I miss him! FUCK I miss him... My entire adult life! I'm 32! I was 20 and 5 days old when we went on our first date...

So now. I'm living with mom. I have no car. I'm in the Northern Suburbs!!! I'm a city girl dammit. If I made a list of pros and cons now, it would still look on paper like I made a bad choice. But my life is not a comparitive table! Granted, things aren't looking great right now...

However, the support I have had from friends and especially students and colleagues has been amazing! There are a few students who check up on me every day or two just to make sure I am coping. One of them offered me a ride in her 'blue ferrari' if ever I needed it. Hugs are plenty. My boss has been so supportive. I LOVE MY JOB! And, despite the difficulty of my situation, I feel that my future is filled with possibility and happiness. I don't know what the hell will happen, but I haven't been this excited and energised since I was a teenager. I feel good.....