Sad

I just realised something the other day. I don't get angry. I will scream and shout at something out of frustration yes! I get frustrated and annoyed, but anger really is foreign to me. I get sad! When others would get angry, I go sad.

It's a bit of a fuck up for me. When I'm sad I think - I don't really think much! So I'm sad today. I haven't done any work since 1pm because none of my students have pitched up. I'm sitting in my office now: ALONE! I am hardly ever alone. I have issues with being alone - and then I have issues with having people around.... Dammit!

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”

I just typed sadness into google and I got this quote. I like it! It is telling me something though: I must tell people when I am hurt. It's difficult though. Admitting to hurt is admitting that I'm vulnerable. I am! It's funny how people think I'm not. But then, I often think that others are not vulnerable. I think it's just me who suffers from all this insecurity! 

Why do we assume that everybody is stronger than we are? Or is it just me who does that? I look at others and see strength and confidence. I look in the mirror and see fear.....

I visited with one of my cousins the other day. I have always seen her as a strong woman. I still do! She made me think alot. We spoke about spouses, ex's, family, friends..... She reminded me that (especially with my ex) I should just say nothing unless I have something good to say about him. We discussed family: cousins, aunts, uncles..... Why is it that our extended family has such high expectations of us? I expect nothing from them! Maybe it's my upbringing, but in our house we were taught to expect nothing, and then if we got something it would be so much more special. Were my parents wrong? Maybe their teaching has taught me to settle and accept whatever shit is passed onto me??? I don't know. But I am usually content! We spoke about friends and spouses: one of my very special friends has a difficult husband - so I don't visit her. Is that fair? Am I meant to give up our lifelong friendship to avoid the hurt his comments cause? Or am I meant to hurt her by insisting she meets me somewhere else: away from him? Or do I just vreet sy kak?

So many questions, but no answers!

I'm feeling better. I love writing! It is so therapeutic!

It's the little things....

It really is funny how everything in life just works out if we wait hey. I remember when we were growing up my dad (the priest remember) once gave a sermon about asking God for things. He said that there always is an answer: yes, no or wait. When you're a child, this bit of information is really not useful. Wait???? But when you grow up.......

I think this may be one of the most important lessons I have ever learned. When the time is right..... One such example is my current job. I was asked to apply for this job 3 years before I got it. I did not apply! It was my own fear and insecurity that prevented me from sending in that CV. In those 3 years that my predecessor taught here, I did A Handful of Keys. This iconic show changed my life. I learnt how to perform!!! Before the show I was SHITE! The show also taught me that music (especially the performance side) could be, and was meant to be fun! If I had started working at the Theatre College in 2004, my entire approach to teaching and (dare I say) mentoring would have been different. I would have destroyed personalities in the search for perfection!!! I understood about the voice then, but not about people. Whether you believe in a divinity, the goodness of nature or fate....... Everything happens at the right time......

I got a new mattress yesterday! A huge, heavy mother of a mattress. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, my back (which had been killing me for the past few weeks) was not sore at all, and my headache (that had been there since Sunday) had miraculously disappeared! A mattress..... I picked a R6 000 mattress up for R2 000 - NEW!!!! I'm telling you guys - if you do good.....

Now I've just opened a new can of worms..... Good? Who decides what is good or bad? There are quite a number of people who would argue that I do not do good - and from the outside it probably seems that way at times. But I can confidently say that I always do my best, and that I do WHATEVER I can for WHOEVER despite how I feel about them! Shit, I sound like an angel! I'M NOT!!! There are people who I have wronged - we cannot always get it right!

Shaun is taking my mom to the movies today! I'm all emotional now! He's taking her to see Il trovatore. The little things! It really is not a biggie, but it means so much to me...... I must stop crying now, I have a student arriving in 5 mins. It really is just that little bit extra that just makes us feel that we're special hey. Cindy and Terence cooking us dinner. Chloe venting with me when I need it. Robyn walking in every morning to check how I am. Shelani's hugs. Sven taking me to SPAR to get lunch..... These things don't take much effort, but DAMN they make me feel good about myself.

I must go, gotta teach.......