"I Am Changing"

I sang at a funeral again today: my aunt (dad's eldest sister) was buried. It's funny, I enjoy singing at funerals. Sounds a bit sick, I know, but it's an occasion where the singer can actually DO something for the people attending - especially if it's a family funeral. I am (often) given the opportunity to help console the grief-stricken family and friends of people who have passed on. I sang I'll Walk With God. It was one of my aunt's favourite hymns.

So this is the first funeral I have sung at since I started emoting as a singer. It was difficult. I also make an effort to CONNECT with the audience everytime I sing now. In order to connect with the audience, you must LOOK at the audience! The congregation today was slightly biased: they were ALL family! So when I started singing, and connecting to the front row (my late aunt's children), and all the head's dropped and the tissues came out...... I felt like a GIRL!!!! Now I pride myself on the fact that, as a singer, I can zone out and do my job under any circumstance. I stopped myself short of crying a few times! It felt good.... After, Keith's mom came to me and said: "My kind, jy sing vir Auntie altyd mooi, en Auntie huil aanhou as jy sing, maar vandag het jy beter gesing as ooit tevore." So there is some method to this feeling stuff madness after all! I think.....

My search for happiness has lead me to start exploring my relationships with the people closest to me! Thank the pope that I have so many people in my life that most of you will not know who I am referring to when I speak about them! PHEW!!!! I have found that I am distancing myself more and more from people who have different beliefs/morals to me. I used to think that even if we were completely different our tolerance of each other would make our friendships work. I don't know about you guys, but for me.....NO! I'm discovering that those people are just BAD for my spirit. Because we believe that DIFFERENT things are important to us, what I find important gets cheapened and ignored!!!

I'm also finding that I'm being drawn to different people. People who were in my life before, but who I never noticed because of my lack of being present emotionally before. These relationships are growing and blossoming, and soon they will bear fruit! It's so good to get to know people: disregarding where they come from, what they do, how old they are..... No judgement, just acceptance! Mutual acceptance!!

Unfortunately, there has been MUCH weeding! People who are toxic to me must GO! Thank God we all have different intolerance levels to different toxins. I cannot understand how other people get along with my weeds, but it makes me happy to see that one mans bread is another man's poison. As hurt as I am by these toxic relationships, I still hate to see people alone or unhappy. Which brings me to a rather difficult point: what about the people who I perceive as weeds who see me as a beautiful rose? Do I keep those relationships alive???? Keeping those alive kill me, but weeding these would kill the other person..... Any ideas?

On a lighter note!!! I'm another pants size down. I'm lovin it!!!

That's all folks!

Happiness...

So I figure that many people are out there searching for happiness! I typed the words "true happiness" into google, and was flooded with articles, books, advice.... I decided to have a quick look at what people say about the pursuit of happiness... The one word that kept on popping up in all these articles was "contentment". So let me google that. That's a fuck up, they use the word "content" to describe "happy" and vice versa. Another definition here is "satisfaction". Let's google that! "Content" pops up here too! Dammit!!!

Okay. So the wonderful web is just screwing me around! So I'm just gonna make sense of it myself!

I know many people who are content. They live in their big fancy houses, with their hot husbands, beautiful children, expensive cars, fancy friends, money! They are seen as being succesful... So maybe I should look at what success is! It (obviously) differs! For the broke young widow (with kids) it may be a loving, caring, gentle, settled middle class man. They get married, she is content - especially when you look at what may have become of  her had she not found him. For the poor young boy success may be the ability to qualify for and buy a car. I could go on and give you many more examples, but you get my drift. So success should then lead to happiness? Yes? Maybe?

The problem is that that broke young widow gets married and is not broke and stressed anymore. She adjusts to her new life, children are sorted, hubby amazing, life goes on. She is content! For how long though? Don't we all seek excitement? Don't we want something in our lives that EXCITES us? She is content, and google says that "content", "happy" and "success" go together! So she's then also succesful and happy. YES!

Contentment: I don't know about you, but for me being content and being happy are not one and the same. The word "content" makes me think of settling and compromise. It's like when the popular girl from school marries tha ugly nerd, because then she will have security! Forget that BEFORE she married mister boring, she was FUN, OUTGOING, VIBRANT.... She's living in her beautiful home in Sandton. Tea with all the other coogirls! Labels, massages, overseas holidays..... Success!!! Chances are she's F%$#@!G the gardener for a bit of excitement! But don't worry, I'm content!

So (obviously) I don't like that word. SUCCESS: I don't wanna spend too much time exploring this one! But if I need to sit in ONE more room where grown people behave like the kids on that KFC ad! You know, the one where they tell teacher about their holiday. It all sounds so GRAND! Then a little boy gets up and says he had KFC during his holiday, and the girl with the bushy hair cannot better it. I LOVE that ad. But I hate when grown ups behave like that!!!

Happiness:
So what is happiness then? I've done the content thing, I'm living the success thing! I have discovered that in order for me to be happy, I must LIVE! I must FEEL (pain and pleasure)! I must EXPLORE! I must DANCE and MOVE! Now when I was merely content, I switched off my emotions. I felt pleasure (a little bit), avoided pain (i wasn't feeling) and I accepted that life was going to work, cleaning house, shopping and visiting other "content" people!

So now i have become an emotional rollercoaster, but I am ALIVE! I am finally brave enough to take my life back! So what if it doesn't look right when a big man like me shakes his ass on the dance floor? FUCK YOU very much actually! There are people who truly LOVE me. They want me to do that! And to those of you who think it is wrong: I don't need you! My life, MY RULES! There is a good chance that this is the only one I get, and only I know how to make it a GOOD ONE!

So. I feel like this was all a bit childish! But, I am VERY child-like! And a part of me does not want to publish it! But another part says FUCKIT! This is how I feel!

Random thoughts (alone in my office) AGAIN!

So, I'm gonna have to buy a new belt soon: I'm on the last hole! As in the belt is almost too big for me... Happy times hey.

I'm still stuck playing for Ballet exams! It is really difficult STAYING AWAKE when I'm in those examinations... Two more days of exams: today and tomorrow... And then 2 days of an Advance 2 Ballet Course. I really have no clue how Mrs Draper (the ballet examiner) will present this course! She walks with the aid of a walking stick... To me that's like getting someone with nodules to teach a Singing Course...

I went to watch "Evita" at The Theatre on The Bay last night. Now the first rule of blogging is to always tell the truth! The truth is.....I don't wanna talk about the production.

I had a bit of a moment though, when I saw a poster up for "Handful of Keys" in the foyer... It's still a bit difficult to see somebody else on my poster... But, I then looked at the TINY poster and remembered the one that had my face on it in Joburg. It was the size of my office... And I look at the limited advertising, and remember how my face was on every pole in this city from Simonstown to Hout Bay (the scenic route). I feel slightly better. I also remembered how we filled the Baxter Theatre night after night... Good times!

I'm auditioning for "Phantom of the Opera" in December. My first audition in 5 years. I must say, I am a little nervous! I feel bad though. I did not tell my boss that I was auditioning. She found out, and was rather hurt and offended by it. I thought that there was no point in telling her, because there was a good chance that they would not be interested in me. Rehearsals start October 2011, so it gives us plenty time (IF they're interested) to chat and make a plan. And lastly, if they are NOT interested, I don't want my boss to know that I applied for another position and they declined!!! But, I AM auditioning for the title role...and I shall just put it out there: it is my dream role...

I have 18 mins till my first exam for the day... Waiting for a friend to call/sms... Kom nou...

Keith and I went out for breakfast this morning: full English. I feel like I've eaten a cow! I cannot even pull in my tummy right now... In the past, I would have had my full breakfast and MORE! I find that lately I chew gum: it keeps my mouth busy.

Lots of change in my life at the moment hey! A change is as good as a holiday. Funny, I never got that till now. But I'm enjoying the holiday...

For Good.... HAPPY WEEDING!!!

For Good is the title of one of my favourite songs ever. It's from the musical Wicked. I went into studio shortly after Lester's death and recorded it as a gift to my family. It gave me great comfort!

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
 
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
 
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
 
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
 
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore 

The choruses (the bits in bold print) are repeated and the song then ends.

The bit that speaks to me now is the beginning of the second verse. "...that we may never meet again..." This is a song about endings. The end of beautiful relationships! I never realised that until recently. I used to think that it was a song that just spoke about the beauty of love/friendship - which is what this blog is about....

Everything happens at the right time...... I get told that alot lately. It's right! We meet people, they enrich our lives.... If we allow them to, they help us along the journey of self-discovery. And as long as those relationships bear fruit, we need to continue along our path with those people. However, even the most beautiful tree can become a weed. Think, for example, of the Jacaranda tree. What a beauty, especially when it flowers! My aunt had a Jacaranda in her front garden for years. Eventually, she had it chopped down, because it killed everything around it! Including her King Protea bush that took YEARS to grow. Jacarandas (by the way) are banned in South Africa now. We are not allowed to plant or grow them anymore....

The secret is to know when to let go. To recognise that no matter how beautiful those purple flowers are, in my South African garden, Jacaranda is a weed.... Weeds do not bear healthy fruit/flowers. They bear BAD flowers that just help them multiply and create MORE WEEDS to suck the life out of everything that is good and wholesome....

I started weeding recently. It is DIFFICULT, but necessary.....

Lester and "The Chronicles of Narnia"

In my office again, waiting for my day to start. I have a full day of ballet rehearsals today! All day: starting at 09h30, finishing at 18h30! Now for those of you that know me, you know what my attention span is! All I can say is THANK YOU for facebook mobile and "The Chronicles of Narnia".

Yes, "Narnia". When we were kids living in Mitchell's Plain (I miss the Plain), my late brother Lester and I used to walk to the library in Lentegeur once a week to get new books. Lester was 4 years older than me, so whereas I got all my books from the Junior Library, he alternated between the two. When I was at Primary and he at Junior High School, our library got new copies of the "Narnia" books. I was a FAT boy growing up! When I matriculated, I weighed 128kgs!!!! So Lester and I used to race to the library to get the next book in the series. He always won! And....he would not allow me to read the book once he was done! NO! I had to go to the library with him, wait for him to return it, wait for the unfriendly librarian to put it back on the shelf, and take it out with my own card! I got the better of him ONCE though. While he was reading the second last book, I took out the last one in the series. So when he returned book no 6, I kept book no 7, and read the ending of the series first! I love you Lester, and I miss you....

Now I have been going through a rather difficult time emotionally recently, and I know that this is going to last for a while before it all gets resolved! I LOVE reading, but because of my HECTIC schedule, I've stopped reading almost completely. When things get tough, I usually grab a book for escape. Now a very dear friend gave me a copy of "Long Walk to Freedom" last year. I read and LOVED the book. I started reading it again (that's what I do), and the difficulties that Madiba went through did not make for happy reading this time!

Shortly after Lester died, I came across a beautifully bound (and very expensive) edition of "The Chronicles of Narnia". All I can say is Thank God for my gold card!!! I bought it, and stored it safely. Things are BAD right now. I cannot believe how much children's books can do for our spirits. I'm reading these stories (slowly this time), and I am reminded of a time when I saw ONLY beauty in the world! A time where I worshipped my parents: they were young and strong. A time where I had FOUR brothers - all of us living happily with my parents, Uncle Richard, Leslie, Grant, Urshula and Ryno (yes, 12 of us) in our 3 bedroomed home! I had my own bedroom, by the way!!! HAPPY TIMES!

So my advice for today: When life gets you down and you feel like there's no escape, forget that you are a grown up with responsibility for a moment, grab yourself a MAGICAL children's story and read..... A temporary escape, yes, but an escape just the same.......

The Warrior is a Child

It's funny how I only blog when I'm in a good space. I generally am in a good space though, so maybe it's not funny at all... Today is not a good day! I usually don't share the details of my bad days, but there's a first time for everything...

My mom got some bad news from the hospital yesterday. She does not want to share her news with the whole world, so I shall respect that, but things are not looking good at all at the moment. In the past - before I started really FEELING things - this would not have had much effect on me... But eversince I opened my heart up to really EXPERIENCING life, I've had the pleasure of experiencing as much pleasure as I have pain!

To those of you who know me, you KNOW that my mom and I aren't best friends! But last night (while I was driving to Somerset West with tears blurring my vision) I remembered my childhood with my mom. She was my hero!! When I started seeing Keith, his mom said to him: "I hope you speak about me HALF as much as Jeremy speaks about his mom". I thought of the unfairness of MY MOM sitting at a public hospital waiting with a bunch of RANDOM people because she cannot afford to pay for a doctor while her son (me) has money in the bank! Have I become so cold and distant from my mom that she cannot tell me she has been sick for THREE WEEKS and ask me for money to go and see a doctor?!?! I have!!!!!

In all fairness, my mom and I BOTH played a part in the destruction of our relationship! I shall not explore our roles publicly!! Those of you who know me know all the details! But last night - faced with my mom's sickness and my dad's despair - I relised that those two old people are MY PARENTS! And that, as much as I have distanced myself from them, I LOVE them. I had forgotten that I love my mom and my dad: Mamma en Pappa! En gisteraand was vir my 'n huge wake-up call.

So what now? The hurt and pain my parents have caused me still weighs HEAVY on my heart! But I cannot bear to see theirs! I don't know what the solution is!!

Last night was also a HUGELY emotional journey for another reason. I drove to my sick mom all by myself!!! How pathetic is that?! I REALLY needed company! But because I was so emotional, I was fussy over who could go with... It had to be somebody who had seen me 'broken' before! Very few people have!! As much as I am sharing nowadays, I still hide THAT from the world! I tell people, but I show almost NOBODY! By the time I arrived at my mom, I had purchased eye drops, put on my (false) cynical humour, and became my "I'm gonna cheer everyone up" counter-self! It was difficult, but I pretended well....

So when I left there, I REALLY NEEDED my friend. I had needed him with me when I drove to Mom - and he kept me company on the phone! THANK YOU!! On the way back, he couldn't.....

So I'm sitting here in my lounge now. Fokol geslaap!!! And I have a LONG day of ballet ahead of me.... I don't do ballet, I play the piano for ballet. I wanna go see Mom again today, but I have responsibilities at work I cannot ignore. And I KNOW that (taking my lack of sleep into account) I will fall asleep behind the wheel if I attempt to drive to Somerset West tonight.

My favourite gospel song growing up (yes I went to church once) was one called "The Warrior is a Child". The lyrics have NEVER left me. Whenever I'm down, I sing this to myself. Maybe it's time to share.....

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
Deep inside this armour
The Warrior is a Child!