Beautiful Memories (at the WTS)

I have been Musical Director at the Waterfront Theatre School (College) for the last 6 years...well, this is year 6. This is my final year at the college. As this year, and this part of my journey draws to a close, I find myself reminiscing quite a bit.

I remember my interview for this job. I was SO SCARED! The only full-time job I had had before was teaching Class Music at Primary Schools, and I had spent the two years prior to my interview touring with a stage production. There were 4 people at my interview: Keith Galloway, Delia Sainsbury, Paul Griffiths and my predecessor. The interview went well. I relaxed and became 'myself' shortly after I sat down. We then started discussing courses, and I had a HUGE disagreement with my predecessor and insulted him GREATLY. I was convinced that they would not be interested in me. I was wrong!

Keith Galloway... Now here was a man who did not understand me! He came to me a few times while I was there. His question was always the same: How do you get all that sound out of them when they're just lying around on the floor? I tried to explain to him that my approach was completely different from any he had seen. He looked at me apprehensively. It was at the end of my first year that he stopped questioning me. We were preparing for a production of A Nose of Nonsense. I was appointed Musical Director. The first piece I taught the chorus was The Owl and the Pussycat. He came to my office to listen to what I had done with the piece. I had created an old-fashioned contrapuntal arrangement of the beautiful melody line he had provided. Mr G was SPEECHLESS! He trusted me thereafter. I saw him speechless once more: when he heard the arrangement I did with the girls of Everything's Coming Up Roses. It was good working with him.

Other memorable moments were with my students: Natisha van Zyl winning the singing prize, Tarryn Lamb crying for 3 days after a lesson with me, the first time Shona Brabant hugged me, Nicci Horak sitting on my lap, crying my heart out because Robyn Maree went missing, Cindy-Ann Abrahams gate-ing Jarryd for GHDing his hair, Shelani van Niekerk's embrace the day I got back from my heart surgery, Emma Hayden reading EVERY SINGLE POST in this blog for inspiration, Chloe Kiley trying her best to convince me that tattoos aren't painful, crying with Corni van den Bergh week after week while singing our song, Shaun Klaasen sitting with me the day that Mr Kleinhans died, Sven-Eric Muller bringing me coffee randomly just because, crying with Chloe's class (in their third year) on the morning of their lunchtime concert, The Beauty of the Human Voice!!!

The original Beauty of the Human Voice was probably the most special. The college was not too keen on having a choir concert. I was told that if I wanted it, I would have to do it myself. I didn't do it myself. The cast of the first concert were a ROCK! They were behind me 100%, and we had 3 rehearsals every week for months at 7am in the morning. These were such special times. Blankets, coffee, hangovers (the students, not me), fights, laughter, LOVE!!!

There are so many memories, too many to mention! My time at the college ends soon. It is sad... But the love and support of my students will go with me.

Nicci Horak, at the final performance of The Beauty of the Human Voice, said that my office was a sanctuary for the students. Thank you! I was so happy to hear that. Many students would spend days in my office. Everybody was welcome, and IS welcome. Students have their individual lessons with an audience - sometimes an audience of professional singers. This is how we learn: TOGETHER! If you learn NOTHING MORE from me than this, please learn (my students) that your hearts must be open to EVERYBODY!!! We have something to learn from EVERYBODY! My greatest hope is that one day people will say that my legacy was love! Students tell me that they love me everyday! I don't ever say it back, but I believe that they know! I LOVE MY STUDENTS! I am proud of you all!!!!

I don't really know what the intention was with this blog, but it feels like I've said enough! 

Happy Insomnia???

It is 00:23 in South Africa on Sunday the 5th August. I cannot sleep! Now usually when I cannot sleep I am frustrated and angry because I am tired. This morning it is quite a pleasant experience. I cannot sleep because I am NOT tired. I actually rested this week. Rest: such a strange feeling! I had to first be "oopgevlek soos 'n snoek" (my GP's words after seeing the wound from the surgery) before I took any rest, but I rested. This morning (actually, yesterday morning) I slept till after 10!!!! I have not done that in years. Shaun got up to start the Saturday morning ritual of cleaning our flat, and I stayed in bed for another 3 hours!

For those who read my previous blog: an update. Public hospitals don't really bother with care after an operation hey. I discovered (the morning after my op) that the wound was just left open. No stitching, nothing. On opening my hospital bag, I found that one of the nurses put a big pad thing in my bag. One big pad thing to dress the wound with. They told me to wash 3 times a day with salt water. That was it...

First day at home (Tuesday) I did as they said, and dressed it with this big pad thing that I cut up. I was NOT HAPPY! I made an appointment with my amazing GP for Wednesday afternoon. I was worried about caring for this gaping hole, infection, going to the loo!!!! He settled me. Had a look, dressed the thing properly, showed Shaun how to do the dressing, and sent me to Wynberg Pharmacy to go and buy dressing to aid in the healing. Mense! Dressing, ointment and a foam ring to sit on do NOT come cheap! I maar swiped my credit card and closed my eyes!

I have had to accept the fact that I am a DIFFICULT PATIENT! My Mom, Dad and brothers keep reminding me how lucky I am to have Shaun. I AM! He has the patience of a loving mother. I bitch, moan, cry, worry, stress, am irrational.... This week's experience has made me terribly vulnerable and scared. When I tell him this, his response to me is: Come and be scared with me. This is usually accompanied by outstretched arms with the promise of a warm embrace...

What have I learned from this experience? There is no reason to hide! I have been walking around for months with this BIG secret! When I went to hospital, only my immediate family, 2 friends, my boss, Shaun and his mom knew what I was going in for. It was horrible having all these people wish me well for an op I would not speak about. I really feel liberated. It is true, the truth shall set you free!


Fluit, fluit my storie is uit, en hopelik slaap ek nou!!!

Surgery

Lucy Woolley (one of my students at the Waterfront Theatre School) once told me she loved my blog because I wrote things that people thought about, but would never really say publicly. That comment has inspired today's blog. I had surgery yesterday, on something that I thought made me a freak! This is just in case any of you feel there's something wrong with you too...

I had an abscess close to my anus: called a peri-anal abscess. Went to see my doctor despite the embarrassment. He put me on a short course of antibiotics that did NOTHING!!! Found a different doctor (a very dear friend of mine) to have a look too. This was even more embarrassing: having a friend look at my bum! He spoke to me about it. Told me that it was not the sort of thing one left alone, and gave me a letter to take to hospital to get it sorted out. He also told me these things were very common. WTF!!!! So how come nobody ever speaks about them? Here I was feeling like I had this dirty sickness?!?!? It was GOOD to feel normal again.

With me, however, there was one complication. Crohn's disease runs in my family, and I have a very close relative whose initial symptom was a peri-anal abscess. The only way to check for Crohn's was the surgery...

So I left my doctor armed with a letter to sort my bum out! Next question was: where do I take this letter. NO MEDICAL AID! So I went to Groote Schuur. After one appointment the doctor scheduled me for surgery. F#@*!!!!! I had to wait a month - it is a public hospital.....

On Sunday afternoon I had to check into hospital. Shaun took me. By the time we got there, I felt sick. I hadn't felt sick at all, but just knowing I had to go made me feel ILL! We had 2 hours together before he had to leave. Those weren't great hey. I was moody, worried, tired and just moerig! Shaun was his usual cheerful self despite me.

Sunday night was horrible. There was so much noise in the ward, the light was on all night, and I was next to a man who couldn't leave his bed, so he slept with a bedpan...which he used...often... I ate my last meal at 19h30.

Monday morning: they woke me up at 4am! Had a shower, an enema(!), and waited. By the time I was wheeled away to surgery (around 2pm) I was STARVING, scared, alone (they took my cellphone away at 8am), had a headache and NEEDY! I also knew that Shaun was WORRYING, since he had no idea what was happening with me.

I was wheeled out of surgery at around 15h30. I woke up as they took that thing out of my throat, still INSIDE the operating theatre. First thing I noticed was that my throat was in agony! Second: my BUM was in more agony!!! I started chatting straight away: telling the anaesthetist I was sore. She seemed surprised?!?!? She told me to just wait a minute or two until the morphine kicked in. I kept on talking, getting everyone's names and asking them questions while in the recovery room. The porter told me (on my way back to the ward) that she wished I had been her first patient for the day. That way she would have smiled all day long. As we entered the ward I was greeted with a warm smile from Shaun, and a very scared (but brave) smile from Robyn. I knew then that everything was okay. Robyn: "Yor, jy praat nogal baie vir een wat nou net 'n operasie gehad het!"

When I got to the ward I was HUNGRY! Doctor said I could eat. The nurses warned me not to, but I insisted Doctor said I could eat! Doctor was wrong. I could keep NOTHING down. The doctor asked me whether I wanted to stay for another night or go home. After the noise, smells and light of the first night I opted for home. I was brave, I was going to WALK to the car. LOL!!!!!! I barely made it outside the ward when I had to grab a chair and sit and wait for a wheelchair! I felt HORRIBLE! Shaun had to fetch the car, so Robyn dealt with my horribleness. She was VERY WORRIED.

Got home, mom and dad came to visit and I ate again. Needless to say, the nurses were STILL right! I managed (just before bed) to keep down a piece of toast just so I could take meds. I LOVE MY PARENTS!

I woke up this morning still feeling nauseous! But not like yesterday. I can keep things inside now! My headache is still not gone, and I am exhausted. Doctor told me that I was not to go to work this week. Shaun is enforcing this!

The reason for this blog? I don't know why I convinced myself that this was an embarrassing medical condition. I NEED to share this. If anyone else has one, get it sorted, and talk about it. It's horrible to think you are alone.

Just one little fear: Crohn's disease! I'll know in 3 weeks time...

Affirmation

It's funny how I manage to fool people into believing that I am confident...

Maybe I'm just being silly, or maybe my definition of confidence is inaccurate. I don't think that I started out as the scared person I have become. My brothers and cousins remember me (at the age of 2) wearing my mom's skirt, high heels, and (for some odd reason) my dad's handkerchief. When we lived in Grahamstown (age 3 - 6) I was a popular little boy. I had a girlfriend (I think I was the first of my brothers to have one) named Inga. The day we left Grahamstown she told my mom: Auntie Rigia, I really really love your son. Inga was 5 at the time. We cut off some of our hair to give to each other. She gave me part of her fringe, and I cut a huge hole right in the front of my head. My big brother says that when I was little I looked under ladies' dresses unashamedly. Little did they know I just wanted to see what was different. I spoke to strangers, and had (by age 4) 2 good friends who were in their 20's. They were studying with my dad at the time: Austin and Floris.

I had to (some time ago) figure out for myself when I lost all of that. I think it was when Nathan (my baby brother) was born. I love you Nathan, so don't think for ONE SECOND that I blame you! The evidence of this change lies in how my body changed from age 5 (when he was born) to 7. I cannot believe how skinny I was at Pre-Primary! I was bigger than the other kids, but skinny! The Sub A photos show the fat cheeks for the first time. Sub B photos show the almost obese kid and teenager I was! I do not want to explore WHY Nathan's arrival changed my personality so much publicly...

I went through school being the big, fat, useless at sports kid who was bullied by EVERYBODY! When I was in Standard 5, a boy from our neighbouring school got a Sub A child to kick me in the shins (they were both blue for what seemed like weeks) while he watched. I was MUCH bigger than them both, but was too scared to do anything but run away! My relief from the bullying came when I realised that the kids who "came first in class" were popular, so I decided to just "come first in class". This stopped the bullying only from the kids at my school. The ones from the other school and the grown ups continued their bullying throughout my teenage years.

I thus entered the adult world of University being as scared as a deer in headlights!!! Some of the lecturers were bullies, but the students embraced me. They made me believe I was worthwhile. However, the lecturers with the huge chips on their shoulders caused so much damage that I left UCT believing I could not play the piano or sing! There were some really AMAZING lecturers there too, who tried to make me believe in myself, but we tend to believe the negative feedback we get more easily than the positive.

I entered the work force as a Primary School Teacher. From the moment I started teaching until today, I have gotten nothing but praise and thanks. As a church organist, primary school teacher, singing teacher, Musical Theatre lecturer, choirmaster, Musical Director...... There has never EVER been complaints about my work or my work ethic. My methods are very controversial, and there has been much discussion regarding them, but all my bosses have trusted that I know what I am doing, and have left me to my own devices KNOWING they will see results.

To those of you who know me personally, you KNOW that I have had a really difficult time recently professionally!!! This morning, the international Drama and Musical Theatre examiner (who examined our mid year examination entries) stopped me in the parking lot at College. He told me that I was an amazing pianist. He said that I was world class quality, and that the students were privileged to have me accompany them. He figured I needed to perform as a pianist, so that people could hear my beautiful playing. Furthermore, he said that if he had my talent.....

We then chatted about my role at the college. I told him that I teach singing. This examiner last examined at the college 5 years ago, when I had only been there for a little over 4 months. He said that he couldn't believe how much higher the standard was, and said that he believed it was largely due to my contribution at college!

I have really had a difficult time recently, and despite encouragement from friends and family, I have not been able to get myself out of the deep pit I had found myself in emotionally. Today, a stranger affirmed me. He had no reason to lie to me, is completely unbiased and spoke from his heart. I believe him!

I learnt something today. I am not really good at telling people they did well. I don't know why I find it so difficult to say those words. But starting now (actually, I started right then) I will tell people when I believe that they are doing good work! 10 minutes in a car park with a British man has made me a new person!!!! I will do what I was taught today for the rest of my life! I will not cheapen it by saying someone did well when they didn't - that is NOT in my nature. But, darnit, from now on when someone does good work I WILL TELL THEM SO!!! I feel good!

My Birthday

It was my birthday 3 days ago: I turned 34 on March the 8th. I was so depressed one week before my birthday - I missed Shaun! I had not seen him in two weeks... People usually laugh when I tell them that I am depressed because I miss Shaun. They don't get that I want to see him everyday... Anyway, I was depressed because I was missing him and I knew I wouldn't see him on my birthday. I don't think I have ever been depressed before this. Had no idea how horrible it felt to feel hopeless, sad, tired, lusteloos before. So on the 1st of March, Shaun told me he was coming to town for my birthday. He said he'd arrive on the last flight of the day on 8th March, we would have the last few hours together, and that he'd only go back home on Sunday night (today). He was going to surprise me, but because of my unhappiness he could not keep his secret anymore. My depression lifted later that night.....

As the week progressed, I got the idea that there was more to the surprise than what Shaun had told me. I did not pry at all, but kept my ears to the ground....

My birthday this year was the best I have ever had - all because of Shaun. When I arrived in my office at around 08h30 on Thursday morning, the floor was littered with white and pink balloons, there was a BEAUTIFUL bunch of giant roses (Shaun asked what my favourite flowers were), and a simple birthday card. I put down all my stuff, opened the card, read it, and called Shaun. He told me he was at work (in the Eastern Cape). Two minutes later, my office door opened and music started playing in the passage: Barbra Streisand's I've Dreamed of You. Now by this time I had figured out that Shaun was in Cape Town. However, when I arrived in my office and he wasn't there, I feared that I was sadly mistaken. Was disappointed, till I heard the song. I knew Shaun was in the passage, but stayed on the couch. After a few moments of Barbra's flawless voice, he walked into my office: How must I surprise you if you don't come out? I got up and wept in his embrace. I knew then that my day would be perfect. I was complete, and nothing that ANYBODY did thereafter could make it better than that very moment....

That was just the start. He spent the day with me in my office. That night we went home to shower before going out. I fished and figured we were going to Grand West Casino, but could not figure out what for. We dressed up and drove there. As I walked in, three very special ladies: Robyn Maree, Chloe Kiley and Rosanna Minchella greeted us at the door. I still had no clue, then one of them dropped the word Karaoke. I LOVE Karaoke. I figured that Shaun's plan was to take me out to ENJOY singing again for a change. I sing everyday, but it's not fun. I thought: Shaun really GETS me! We walked to the Karaoke bar, me in Heaven, again thinking this is as good as it gets. I was wrong. When I walked in, I saw some more guests he had invited: my mom, dad, brothers, sister-in-law and my eldest brother's girlfriend. (In my past life, birthdays were spent with either my ex or my family, they did NOT get along, and I was forced to choose.) My dad and brothers love Karaoke as much as I do. We used to go to the Lady Hamilton hotel together often to sing. It was like old times. A truly AMAZING day! And (by the way) I KICKED ASS at that Karaoke......

It was by far the best day I have ever had.....

Shaun was not finished though! He accompanied me to work on Friday again. That night we went home and dressed up again. He had bought (very expensive) tickets to go and see Fidelio. Fidelio (for those of you who do not know) is the only opera that the great Beethoven composed. The title role was sung by one of my friends from UCT Opera School, and the comic(ish) character by another one - we all had the same singing teacher. I have not been to see an opera in years: too expensive! Right now, I cannot afford it, and when I had the means, other things were always seen as more important. I LOVE OPERA!!!!!!!!!! I sat there (in the cold Cape Town wind) mesmerised. It was such an emotional journey. I rose and fell with the orchestra, cried with the singers, felt the pain and anguish in Beethoven's great composition. I'm getting emotional now just remembering it. GOOSEBUMPS!!!!

I often say that I hate surprises. It's not the truth. I have always LOVED surprises. You know what, after years of NOBODY bothering to make the effort to surprise you, you learn to fear them. I was disappointed birthday after birthday, Christmas after Christmas, over and over again. The worst was that I had made such an effort for my nearest and dearest, but it was never returned. My last surprise was when I turned 21, by my church choir at the time....

Shaun went back home today. I will miss him.

If you have never heard me say this, pay attention. I am in love with the most generous, caring, exciting, child-like, mature, crazy, sweet, smart, sexy, goofy, loving, full of bull... AMAZING man in the world. I have every intention of spending my life with him....

Thank you Shaun, you've made me believe again....

Believe (thanks Bernice)

It's been a long time. Too long! I have tried to blog before today, but it's been difficult. Whenever I started, I found myself going back to the past - a horrible past! I think I kept going there because this blog, and those who read it, played a major role in my healing. Still in the healing process, but I AM getting there.

I have been wearing a wedding band since my 20th year - the first gift my ex bought me. It was gold. I chose it, so I loved it. In my 27th year I bought a 2nd wedding band for myself - because I loved it. This one was gold and titanium. I took the gold one off my wedding finger and placed the titanium one on it: a sign of my longing for independance! Wore the original on my right hand. On the day that I moved out, I took the gold one off and never wore it again. Gave it to my dad to keep until I knew what I wanted to do with it. Dad still has it.

My story starts the day after I moved out of my previous life. It was a Sunday, and Mark (my big brother) and I went to visit our cousin Bernice Swartland in Worcester. I needed something to take my mind off things! We slept over at her home with her family. It was good visiting there.

Two months after that, Shaun and I went to visit Bernice. I wanted to introduce him to somebody in my family: somebody who actually wanted to meet him. Bernice, her husband Michael and their son Mitch welcomed us into their home with open arms. It was at breakfast that morning that Bernice gave me a brand new Silver wedding band with something engraved on it. The ring said BELIEVE.... I added the new band to the titanium one on my wedding finger: a perfect fit. I have since given my titanium ring to Shaun. He wears it on a chain around his neck with two other pendants. One with my name, the other his. The ring hangs between the pendants: a symbol of my devotion to him, and my intention to marry him!

I have not removed the ring Bernice gave me since the day I received it. Later that day, when I doubted my ability to get through the difficulties that the changes in my life had brought about, Shaun pointed to the engraved ring. He said: believe. I cried!

My ring has been my saviour so many times.....

You may ask what I believe. Many things. At the moment Shaun is away. He is working in the Eastern Cape till the end of June. It is difficult. I am finally in love: for the first time in my life. I want to be with Shaun. He wants to be with me. We are both very emotional beings, and we NEED each other. I believe that there is something to be learned from being apart. For Shaun: independance. As much as we love each other, and pine for each other, we are seperate beings - beautiful in our individuality, whole - who want to be together. For me: the importance of a real relationship. I have never missed anybody before. I have never been sad before. I have never felt lonely before. I LOVE Shaun! I NEED Shaun! I can be a good and faithful husband to Shaun...

...I am certain you're the last man in my life... Andrew Lloyd Weber

The college's graduation ceremony happens soon. I'm spreading this message: I arranged a Believe Medley for the College Chorus to sing for the graduates. I hope they listen!

One more thing: when you lose faith, my ring is available to anyone who needs it. Have a look. Thank you Bernice....