I just read a blog a friend of mine wrote on marriage. He spoke about how little girls dream of getting married, how they cut out wedding dresses, match colours, choose decor from the time that they are toddlers...
If this is true, I am a little girl. I looked at the wedding pics of my mom and dad week after week admiring my mom's flawless style and PERFECT dress and my dad's unusually good looks. I used to secretly take wedding pics out of their album to show the kids at school not only how beautiful my parents are, but how perfect my mommy's dress was. Before I knew what being gay was, I used to imagine myself as a girl. I knew in my heart that I wanted to marry a boy, so the only way to do that was to become a girl right? I used to drape my duvet over me (especially at the time where ball gowns had duvet type skirts) imagining the best possible dress design. In high school I had a girlfriend for a brief period (and for those who want to know - we never even kissed) and I started planning our wedding straight away. Designing her dress, looking at celebrity wedding pics in the huisgenoot.... I used to get so excited for the Miss SA and Miss World pageants (because of the beautiful ball gowns) that my entire family would watch them with me.
I remember (as a child) the excitement when I was told a cousin would get married, and I would plan my outfit for the wedding weeks in advance. I never missed a single wedding I was invited to, and was very upset when as a family we couldn't attend Alison's wedding! I love weddings so much, that I even attended a wedding the other day I was not invited to. I am SO HAPPY that I went!
So I think I have now sufficiently made you understand how I feel about them...
In my previous relationship I ONCE brought up the possibility of marriage. The response? Who would we invite? I tried to justify my feelings but to no avail. He was not budging. Come to think of it, same thing happened when I was thirty. I didn't have a 21st birthday party, was never gonna have a wedding, so I wanted to have a big saal party for all my family, friends and students! Let's just say it didn't happen...
I don't know if it is because so many people around me are planning weddings, or if I'm just getting old; but my greatest desire at this moment is to marry the love of my life Shaun! I am 35 (not for much longer), have attended and performed at all my brothers weddings, have dreamed about this day for at least 30 years....
The question then is why do I want to get married? Shaun and I are living together already, sharing all the expenses, supporting each other, going to church together, getting to know the in-laws, planning our life together.... What difference will a wedding make?
I just want that ONE day that's all about US! Our love blossomed under the most horrible circumstances. We were both on destructive paths that would have had terrible consequences. Even though I have told my family and friends how I feel about him, I still wanna stand with Shaun, everyone who is special to me assembled with us, and pledge my love to him forever. My life has become a fairytale with him. I am happy every day. When I wake up in the morning I am excited because I'm gonna open my eyes and see him. On the mornings where I'm up first, the excitement builds in my core as I wait for him to wake.
Despite living this fairytale, I want our fairytale wedding too! I want to sing at the ceremony, I want to have the first dance as his husband with him, I want to thank his parents for creating the most wonderful man in the world, I want my mommy to stand there right next to me (both of us weeping) when I say my vows, I want to see Shaun's face when his dream wedding (that he's been planning since he was a child too) becomes a reality.....
I know that I pretend to be cynical and hardcore, but I'm not! When I was at high school I had two nicknames: Maestro and Gentle Giant. That's exactly what I am. I am this big, rugged looking man with a beard, grey hair, a boep! I have the heart of a little girl though, and a Winnie the Pooh and Tigger tattoo on my back to match that heart. I just want to get married already!!!!!!!!!!!
