It's funny how I manage to fool people into believing that I am confident...
Maybe I'm just being silly, or maybe my definition of confidence is inaccurate. I don't think that I started out as the scared person I have become. My brothers and cousins remember me (at the age of 2) wearing my mom's skirt, high heels, and (for some odd reason) my dad's handkerchief. When we lived in Grahamstown (age 3 - 6) I was a popular little boy. I had a girlfriend (I think I was the first of my brothers to have one) named Inga. The day we left Grahamstown she told my mom: Auntie Rigia, I really really love your son. Inga was 5 at the time. We cut off some of our hair to give to each other. She gave me part of her fringe, and I cut a huge hole right in the front of my head. My big brother says that when I was little I looked under ladies' dresses unashamedly. Little did they know I just wanted to see what was different. I spoke to strangers, and had (by age 4) 2 good friends who were in their 20's. They were studying with my dad at the time: Austin and Floris.
I had to (some time ago) figure out for myself when I lost all of that. I think it was when Nathan (my baby brother) was born. I love you Nathan, so don't think for ONE SECOND that I blame you! The evidence of this change lies in how my body changed from age 5 (when he was born) to 7. I cannot believe how skinny I was at Pre-Primary! I was bigger than the other kids, but skinny! The Sub A photos show the fat cheeks for the first time. Sub B photos show the almost obese kid and teenager I was! I do not want to explore WHY Nathan's arrival changed my personality so much publicly...
I went through school being the big, fat, useless at sports kid who was bullied by EVERYBODY! When I was in Standard 5, a boy from our neighbouring school got a Sub A child to kick me in the shins (they were both blue for what seemed like weeks) while he watched. I was MUCH bigger than them both, but was too scared to do anything but run away! My relief from the bullying came when I realised that the kids who "came first in class" were popular, so I decided to just "come first in class". This stopped the bullying only from the kids at my school. The ones from the other school and the grown ups continued their bullying throughout my teenage years.
I thus entered the adult world of University being as scared as a deer in headlights!!! Some of the lecturers were bullies, but the students embraced me. They made me believe I was worthwhile. However, the lecturers with the huge chips on their shoulders caused so much damage that I left UCT believing I could not play the piano or sing! There were some really AMAZING lecturers there too, who tried to make me believe in myself, but we tend to believe the negative feedback we get more easily than the positive.
I entered the work force as a Primary School Teacher. From the moment I started teaching until today, I have gotten nothing but praise and thanks. As a church organist, primary school teacher, singing teacher, Musical Theatre lecturer, choirmaster, Musical Director...... There has never EVER been complaints about my work or my work ethic. My methods are very controversial, and there has been much discussion regarding them, but all my bosses have trusted that I know what I am doing, and have left me to my own devices KNOWING they will see results.
To those of you who know me personally, you KNOW that I have had a really difficult time recently professionally!!! This morning, the international Drama and Musical Theatre examiner (who examined our mid year examination entries) stopped me in the parking lot at College. He told me that I was an amazing pianist. He said that I was world class quality, and that the students were privileged to have me accompany them. He figured I needed to perform as a pianist, so that people could hear my beautiful playing. Furthermore, he said that if he had my talent.....
We then chatted about my role at the college. I told him that I teach singing. This examiner last examined at the college 5 years ago, when I had only been there for a little over 4 months. He said that he couldn't believe how much higher the standard was, and said that he believed it was largely due to my contribution at college!
I have really had a difficult time recently, and despite encouragement from friends and family, I have not been able to get myself out of the deep pit I had found myself in emotionally. Today, a stranger affirmed me. He had no reason to lie to me, is completely unbiased and spoke from his heart. I believe him!
I learnt something today. I am not really good at telling people they did well. I don't know why I find it so difficult to say those words. But starting now (actually, I started right then) I will tell people when I believe that they are doing good work! 10 minutes in a car park with a British man has made me a new person!!!! I will do what I was taught today for the rest of my life! I will not cheapen it by saying someone did well when they didn't - that is NOT in my nature. But, darnit, from now on when someone does good work I WILL TELL THEM SO!!! I feel good!
