Sunday morning: 09h56. Home alone. I think I can count on one hand the number of Sundays I have been home alone in the last 12 years! Usually Keith and I do something on a Sunday, and before (when I was still a church goer) Sundays would start with church. On that note, I miss church! Now when Keith said he was going away for 3 weeks, my initial thought was YAY, PARTY!!!! Well, let me tell you something: Last night I dropped him at the airport, and I got so emotional that he was going to Europe and the UK for 3 weeks. I was shocked at how emotional I got when we said goodbye! It seems I have a heart after all.....
So day 1 of 21 days! I don't even feel like getting out of bed.... Is this what I've become? A man who cannot be alone? K just sms'd. He's safe in London! I wanna go see my folks today, but I don't smaak the drive to Somerset West alone. Now usually I love driving alone, but coming back to an empty house!!! Seems I love the old ball and chain after all!
So now what! DAMMIT! After looking forward to doing what I want when I want it for 3 weeks, I am now BORED! Any suggestions? Anyone wanna move in for 3 weeks!?!? I have a spare bedroom!
I'm starting to sound like a desperate spinster! It's just strange being alone - and not AT ALL what I expected it to be.... This is a great example of LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE'RE MAKING OTHER PLANS hey! I was gonna PARTY!!!!! Yeah right. Anyway, I'm gonna go shower now, and then see what the day has in store. A very good friend of mine ALWAYS reminds me that everything happens for a reason, and at the right time! I love my friend!!! So now I must just figure out what I am supposed to learn from being alone for 3 weeks.....
Anyone who wants to socialise, just gimme a call. I am a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY (MOTH) again - well for 3 weeks....
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
LUNCHTIME CONCERTS: What I Learned......
I usually make a point of blogging twice a week. On a Monday morning, and again on a Thursday morning. It's Wednesday! I have a good excuse though. We had our annual lunchtime concerts over the last few days. All the Musical Theatre students who I help prepare for exams need to get up in front of the entire staff and faculty and "show what they've learned". Now the lead up to these concerts are STRESSFUL for the students....and myself. Because they are FORCED to prepare a public performance, they suddenly decide that it is time to face all their demons, and deal with them - often with Mister Q's help! It's stressful, but I love my babies (they're the only ones I have), so I don't mind.
They were AMAZING! Each and every one of them. I cannot describe the pride I feel when I listen to them, watch them, perform with them! The best thing about being a teacher is that, if you want to be the best teacher you can be, you must LEAD by example. So I cannot adopt that age-old "do what I say, not what I do" attitude. The great thing about my babies, is that they challenge me. When I started working at the WTS, I had a singing face! Yep, a face I put on just to sing with. The more I told them NOT to copy my silly singing face, the more they did. So I had no choice but to get rid of it.... I did. They are more important than my insecurities!
There have been a number of little habits I abandoned over the last 4 years at the college. But, for this concert, I decided to address my BIGGEST ISSUE as a performer...right now.... Because I have such a large stage personality, part of my journey was learning to switch off my emotions in order to perform. This practice has served me well for MANY years and MANY performances. But I always knew that "switching off" was merely a part of the process, not the end result. Watching my students fight their demons is truly inspirational. So my challenge to myself was to choose the most emotional song I knew, present it as a performance piece - but rather than PRETEND, I would make myself EMOTE SINCERELY! Mense, my hart klop nou nog vinnig as ek daaraan dink. The song: "Kris, Look What You've Missed" from Naked Boys Singing. It's a beautiful and emotional ballad that shows the longing of a man who has lost his life partner to Aids!
So I explained to the audience what the piece was about BEFORE I started singing the song. It was VERY difficult. Grief is something that (although I have experienced it) I am not willing to show to the world. But I had promised myself I would. By the end of the epic piece, I had tears in my eyes.... It was difficult!!!!! The response? I was pleased and humbled by the audience reaction. While I was recovering from the performance, I looked around and saw all my students and colleagues in tears.... I feel SO BAD! Some of them rushed out as soon as I finished the song.... My students told me they were proud of me. Two of my colleagues congratulated me....I have more than 2 colleagues....
So it's a day later. I feel BAD!!!! I feel like I did everybody who had lost a loved one a disservice. I did what I had decided to do for myself - and the recovery time was LONG! 2 hours later, my heart was still beating at an alarming speed! But it feels to me now that it was at the expense of others... I do not want to hurt other people!
I think I feel so bad because I did something for myself.... We all do SO MUCH for everyone else that we often forget that we have needs too. This was an IMPORTANT step for me to take! I feel different today, somewhat empowered. Very emotional (not common for me). I feel like I may have been able to achieve my objective without causing anybody pain - and I may have! That would have meant compromising..... Our lives are all FULL of compromises. My director for "My Grand (ma se) Piano" told me that I was not to edit myself during the show. Well Paul Griffiths, I'm putting the blame SQUARELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS! Thank you!!!!! I needed that.
They were AMAZING! Each and every one of them. I cannot describe the pride I feel when I listen to them, watch them, perform with them! The best thing about being a teacher is that, if you want to be the best teacher you can be, you must LEAD by example. So I cannot adopt that age-old "do what I say, not what I do" attitude. The great thing about my babies, is that they challenge me. When I started working at the WTS, I had a singing face! Yep, a face I put on just to sing with. The more I told them NOT to copy my silly singing face, the more they did. So I had no choice but to get rid of it.... I did. They are more important than my insecurities!
There have been a number of little habits I abandoned over the last 4 years at the college. But, for this concert, I decided to address my BIGGEST ISSUE as a performer...right now.... Because I have such a large stage personality, part of my journey was learning to switch off my emotions in order to perform. This practice has served me well for MANY years and MANY performances. But I always knew that "switching off" was merely a part of the process, not the end result. Watching my students fight their demons is truly inspirational. So my challenge to myself was to choose the most emotional song I knew, present it as a performance piece - but rather than PRETEND, I would make myself EMOTE SINCERELY! Mense, my hart klop nou nog vinnig as ek daaraan dink. The song: "Kris, Look What You've Missed" from Naked Boys Singing. It's a beautiful and emotional ballad that shows the longing of a man who has lost his life partner to Aids!
So I explained to the audience what the piece was about BEFORE I started singing the song. It was VERY difficult. Grief is something that (although I have experienced it) I am not willing to show to the world. But I had promised myself I would. By the end of the epic piece, I had tears in my eyes.... It was difficult!!!!! The response? I was pleased and humbled by the audience reaction. While I was recovering from the performance, I looked around and saw all my students and colleagues in tears.... I feel SO BAD! Some of them rushed out as soon as I finished the song.... My students told me they were proud of me. Two of my colleagues congratulated me....I have more than 2 colleagues....
So it's a day later. I feel BAD!!!! I feel like I did everybody who had lost a loved one a disservice. I did what I had decided to do for myself - and the recovery time was LONG! 2 hours later, my heart was still beating at an alarming speed! But it feels to me now that it was at the expense of others... I do not want to hurt other people!
I think I feel so bad because I did something for myself.... We all do SO MUCH for everyone else that we often forget that we have needs too. This was an IMPORTANT step for me to take! I feel different today, somewhat empowered. Very emotional (not common for me). I feel like I may have been able to achieve my objective without causing anybody pain - and I may have! That would have meant compromising..... Our lives are all FULL of compromises. My director for "My Grand (ma se) Piano" told me that I was not to edit myself during the show. Well Paul Griffiths, I'm putting the blame SQUARELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS! Thank you!!!!! I needed that.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
DOUBT!
So this has certainly been an interesting week. It's been one of those where I've been so moody. I found myself screaming at one of my students simply because she spoke to me! There is no justification for such behaviour... Sorry Rosanna! I really AM sorry...
So I'm sitting in my office thinking about my week, and trying to figure out what the hell was "broken". There have been a few things. The most difficult thing to deal with this week was when one of my students told me she had quite a serious problem with her vocal chords. Now as a teacher, I jumped on the guilt wagon STRAIGHT AWAY! I am still doubting myself, and my approach to singing.... It's really difficult living up to my perceived "SUPERMAN" reputation when I'm doubting my method. It turns out that I had nothing to do with her problem after all..... But once the doubt is there.....
I have been told on two occasions that I am manipulative now. A student told me that 2 years ago and then a different student told me the same thing yesterday:
So I'm sitting in my office thinking about my week, and trying to figure out what the hell was "broken". There have been a few things. The most difficult thing to deal with this week was when one of my students told me she had quite a serious problem with her vocal chords. Now as a teacher, I jumped on the guilt wagon STRAIGHT AWAY! I am still doubting myself, and my approach to singing.... It's really difficult living up to my perceived "SUPERMAN" reputation when I'm doubting my method. It turns out that I had nothing to do with her problem after all..... But once the doubt is there.....
I have been told on two occasions that I am manipulative now. A student told me that 2 years ago and then a different student told me the same thing yesterday:
MANIPULATIVE: skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
So I will admit that I am skillful in influencing others. However, I do believe that I NEVER do it for my advantage. So it is quite hurtful when I get told that. I am in the habit of telling people (especially my students) EXACTLY how I feel about whatever situation we find ourselves in at the most difficult time. Now (unfortunately for them) I think before I speak, so I can justify everything I say! But I NEVER bend the truth to suit my own needs.... I usually tell them the most difficult truth, in the hope that they will do the right thing....
Yor, I'm deep this morning!
So nou sit ek hier langs 2 studente en ek warrie oor my reputation. Ek is bekommerd want my untarnished reputation het nou 'n kol op! FOK! Doubt is a terrible thing hey! And even though I know I had NOTHING to do with this situation, I still cannot stop myself from thinking: Is there ANYTHING I could have done differently!
Fluit, fluit my storie is uit....
Sunday, September 12, 2010
ok well as one door closes another one opens!!! safe
I don't think I have ever been hurt so deeply before by one of my students. I wrote a very difficult (private) message to a student informing her that I can no longer teach her. This young lady means SO MUCH to me. I always felt honoured to be a part of her journey. But, she really has treated me like dog shit this year. So, for my own sanity, I told her she was amazing, I love her company, and thanked her for helping me along my journey as a teacher... and then informed her that I could not teach her anymore. The title of my blog is her current Facebook status....
How do I feel? Like a fucken idiot. It feels like all the energy and personal attention I gave to this girl went unnoticed. Don't get me wrong, she is sounding AMAZING! She heard what I said to her as a teacher. It seems, though, that she NEVER heard what I told her as a friend and human being. I am sad this morning.
However, I made a conscious decision NOT to allow anything to get me down again. I am an optimist dammit. I am a firm believer of "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". So I will miss her, but what have I learned from this young lady?
1. Never judge a book by its cover - this girl has UNLIMITED potential and is blessed with way too much talent, and a good heart...... all hidden under the most vulgar exterior.
2. Never stop having fun - sy is 'n bok vir 'n jol. She KNOWS how to have fun under ANY circumstances!
3. To yourself be true - she says what she wants when she wants to say it, no matter what the consequences
4. Never give up on the search for knowledge - she has such a STRONG DESIRE to LEARN. As a result, she learns new things FAST!
5. I KICK ASS as a teacher!
So this morning I am a bit sad, but she has enriched my life for a couple of years, and the lessons she taught me were important for me at the time. I may not be sad after all, it was a good experience.
Yep, feeling good. It always helps to just write it down!
How do I feel? Like a fucken idiot. It feels like all the energy and personal attention I gave to this girl went unnoticed. Don't get me wrong, she is sounding AMAZING! She heard what I said to her as a teacher. It seems, though, that she NEVER heard what I told her as a friend and human being. I am sad this morning.
However, I made a conscious decision NOT to allow anything to get me down again. I am an optimist dammit. I am a firm believer of "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". So I will miss her, but what have I learned from this young lady?
1. Never judge a book by its cover - this girl has UNLIMITED potential and is blessed with way too much talent, and a good heart...... all hidden under the most vulgar exterior.
2. Never stop having fun - sy is 'n bok vir 'n jol. She KNOWS how to have fun under ANY circumstances!
3. To yourself be true - she says what she wants when she wants to say it, no matter what the consequences
4. Never give up on the search for knowledge - she has such a STRONG DESIRE to LEARN. As a result, she learns new things FAST!
5. I KICK ASS as a teacher!
So this morning I am a bit sad, but she has enriched my life for a couple of years, and the lessons she taught me were important for me at the time. I may not be sad after all, it was a good experience.
Yep, feeling good. It always helps to just write it down!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I'm coming out!!!
So for those of you who have been following my blog, it is apparent that I am undergoing a change right now. I have always been an optimist, but my optimism has just reached new heights. I remember when I was a teenager (who had a STRONG desire to be on the stage), I wanted to be the tragic hero(ine). Not only on the stage, but in my everyday life. Unfortunately optimism and living a life of tragedy do not go together. So what to do? I used to make myself unhappy so that people could relate to me. So that they could feel sorry for me and want to spend time with me. Oh the life of a fat teenager!
Then I got old! Now the things you do as a teenager stay with you! I started out as a tragic hero(ine), so to a certain extent I had to stay one. But I was a tad older, so it changed slightly. I was still an optimist (the soul does not change), but God forbid anyone should know that I was actually happy....So I tried wearing a mask of pessimism. That was a bit dark for me! I found a solution though: I could become CYNICAL!
It's not easy for me to show physical freedom. I will always (in my mind) be the fat boy I was growing up. I conditioned myself to fight the urge for at least 20 years. I'm not anymore.... Never again. Also - in my heart, I am a QUEEN DELUXE! And Madame Leslie (that was my professional drag name - yes I did drag professionaly) is coming out the closet.
Then I got old! Now the things you do as a teenager stay with you! I started out as a tragic hero(ine), so to a certain extent I had to stay one. But I was a tad older, so it changed slightly. I was still an optimist (the soul does not change), but God forbid anyone should know that I was actually happy....So I tried wearing a mask of pessimism. That was a bit dark for me! I found a solution though: I could become CYNICAL!
CYNICISM: An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others....
www.thefreedictionary.com
Cynicism made me seem deep and artistic. I enjoyed being perceived as the Randal (from Idols) in my social groups. But that's not me.
Now recently, I have felt entitled to start showing the people around me what's inside my heart. For instance: I LOVE to dance. Before I wanted to learn to play the piano, I wanted to dance. I BEGGED and BEGGED my mommy, but there was no extra money in our household. So I became a social dancer. One who literally dances through life. I'm dancing again! With no shame and/or embarrassment for the dancers who I work with on a daily basis. I don't know WHAT THE FUCK I'm doing, but the other night I caught myself doing a Quickstep (solo) down the length of my road. It was AMAZING! I LOVE dancing!
It's not easy for me to show physical freedom. I will always (in my mind) be the fat boy I was growing up. I conditioned myself to fight the urge for at least 20 years. I'm not anymore.... Never again. Also - in my heart, I am a QUEEN DELUXE! And Madame Leslie (that was my professional drag name - yes I did drag professionaly) is coming out the closet.
On a more serious note. I am an OPTIMIST!!! I see the world through rose-coloured glasses. I believe that my country is the BEST FUCKEN PLACE IN THE WORLD TO LIVE! I love my job!
I wanna start a group of optimists. What the fuck's wrong with being HAPPY! Will all the optimists in the room say YAY!!!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
....and the TRUTH shall set you FREE....
As a very good good liar, I wanted to explore my thoughts on this subject. I was one of those people who could lie to my nearest and dearest with my eyes open, tears in my eyes and no guilt!!! Now there are many people out there who wished they had my gift - stop wishing. Paired with the afore-mentioned gift is the ability to smell out any other people with the same ability. This is a great skill for ANY teacher to have, by the way.
MY LIES
This blog is becoming very difficult to write. If you have spent your whole life lying to your nearest and dearest (which are first your parents) it becomes a habit. The worst thing about making a career of lying to your parents is the fact that you NEVER get caught. So there are NO consequences to your lies and you leave home feeling like the Superman of liars. You then enter the world (and your first serious relationship) with this mentality. The problem is this: your parents had 5 sons, so they did not have the opportunity to get to know each son as intimately as the first partner. So he catches you! The first time you get caught is KAK. I was convinced that he would leave me! He didn't by the way. After the first time, you promise yourself that that's the end. NO MORE LIES!!! Then there are no more lies, but it's not easy to just stop a habit. So they creep in, little by little. I convinced myself, over the years, that if K knew the real me he would leave me! He never did! I have gotten better. Bit by bit I reveal more of my true self to him daily, and he accepts (is hurt by the deception) all of it!
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?
LOADS! All my other very close relationships (especially the ones that happened after K) were, from the beginning, much more open and honest. My oldest friend (old as in a 22 yo friendship) knows EVERYTHING about me. I trust him with my inner most feelings. And our relationship started with lies! Especially lies about conquests.....for years. My youngest close friend (3-4 yo friendship) has a very special bond with me. Because I can accept that I am worth the time my friend spends on me, I do not need to make anything up to make me seem more deep or interesting. I have found with this one, that the more I reveal truthfully, the more I get back truthfully.
Being true to myself at work has made the workplace such a good place to be. I do not lie to my students about where they are technically or emotionally. This has given me a reputation of being a dragon! And by telling the truth I am one! But, they love their dragon, and he loves them.
So what have I learned? I can never EVER completely leave the lies behind. So I made a decision: those whom I care about get only the truth. The ones who will never be more than acquaintances: I need to stretch the truth to stay sane, so I might as well lie to them..... It sounds cold, I know, but I'm finding that I'm getting rid of the acquaintances anyway. That's a FUCK UP: pretty soon I will have nobody to lie to anymore!!!
MY LIES
This blog is becoming very difficult to write. If you have spent your whole life lying to your nearest and dearest (which are first your parents) it becomes a habit. The worst thing about making a career of lying to your parents is the fact that you NEVER get caught. So there are NO consequences to your lies and you leave home feeling like the Superman of liars. You then enter the world (and your first serious relationship) with this mentality. The problem is this: your parents had 5 sons, so they did not have the opportunity to get to know each son as intimately as the first partner. So he catches you! The first time you get caught is KAK. I was convinced that he would leave me! He didn't by the way. After the first time, you promise yourself that that's the end. NO MORE LIES!!! Then there are no more lies, but it's not easy to just stop a habit. So they creep in, little by little. I convinced myself, over the years, that if K knew the real me he would leave me! He never did! I have gotten better. Bit by bit I reveal more of my true self to him daily, and he accepts (is hurt by the deception) all of it!
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?
LOADS! All my other very close relationships (especially the ones that happened after K) were, from the beginning, much more open and honest. My oldest friend (old as in a 22 yo friendship) knows EVERYTHING about me. I trust him with my inner most feelings. And our relationship started with lies! Especially lies about conquests.....for years. My youngest close friend (3-4 yo friendship) has a very special bond with me. Because I can accept that I am worth the time my friend spends on me, I do not need to make anything up to make me seem more deep or interesting. I have found with this one, that the more I reveal truthfully, the more I get back truthfully.
Being true to myself at work has made the workplace such a good place to be. I do not lie to my students about where they are technically or emotionally. This has given me a reputation of being a dragon! And by telling the truth I am one! But, they love their dragon, and he loves them.
So what have I learned? I can never EVER completely leave the lies behind. So I made a decision: those whom I care about get only the truth. The ones who will never be more than acquaintances: I need to stretch the truth to stay sane, so I might as well lie to them..... It sounds cold, I know, but I'm finding that I'm getting rid of the acquaintances anyway. That's a FUCK UP: pretty soon I will have nobody to lie to anymore!!!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Soulmates
A soulmate or soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility
Wikipedia
The word 'soulmate' has stuck in my head eversince Germandt used it in his blog a few weeks ago (www.germandtgeldenhuys.blo
Yor, this stuff is KAK deep for so early in the morning (it's exactly 06h53). I hope it doesn't make my brain shut down....
To answer my own question: I think not! If we really are 1 being that has split into 2, would there not be major similarities? Especially in habits?? Would we not feel the same things at the same time? Would we not have the same desires? And I'm talking about little things! For example: we never have coffee together. We will drink something together, but when I desire a cup of coffee, he desires a Coke Light. When I want to Karaoke, he wants to go to the beach - I HATE the beach and he HATES Karaoke!!!
Maybe I'm thinking about this in the wrong way. Should I be looking at our souls and not our habits? Even there, we are night and day - I shall not explore our souls publicly, but trust that we are DIFFERENT!
Now, let's say that by some fucked up act of nature we discover and get to know the elusive soulmate. Is that really what will be best for us? Someone who has the same desires, habits, drive, desire for intimacy...... What would we learn from the soulmate as a partner? To settle, accept, never strive for change?
On the other hand: what would the soulmate offer? Understanding, acceptance, solace, unconditional (and non-judgemental) love, perfect intimacy..... Would having all our deepest desires fulfilled not lead to the necessary change we all need to undergo to become the best self we would be? Or would we become so comfi that it may lead to us becoming complacent and mundane?
All these questions and no answers! I'm starting to feel like my blog is a long monologue mense (well the 5 that follow). Please tell me what you think!
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