As a very good good liar, I wanted to explore my thoughts on this subject. I was one of those people who could lie to my nearest and dearest with my eyes open, tears in my eyes and no guilt!!! Now there are many people out there who wished they had my gift - stop wishing. Paired with the afore-mentioned gift is the ability to smell out any other people with the same ability. This is a great skill for ANY teacher to have, by the way.
MY LIES
This blog is becoming very difficult to write. If you have spent your whole life lying to your nearest and dearest (which are first your parents) it becomes a habit. The worst thing about making a career of lying to your parents is the fact that you NEVER get caught. So there are NO consequences to your lies and you leave home feeling like the Superman of liars. You then enter the world (and your first serious relationship) with this mentality. The problem is this: your parents had 5 sons, so they did not have the opportunity to get to know each son as intimately as the first partner. So he catches you! The first time you get caught is KAK. I was convinced that he would leave me! He didn't by the way. After the first time, you promise yourself that that's the end. NO MORE LIES!!! Then there are no more lies, but it's not easy to just stop a habit. So they creep in, little by little. I convinced myself, over the years, that if K knew the real me he would leave me! He never did! I have gotten better. Bit by bit I reveal more of my true self to him daily, and he accepts (is hurt by the deception) all of it!
WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?
LOADS! All my other very close relationships (especially the ones that happened after K) were, from the beginning, much more open and honest. My oldest friend (old as in a 22 yo friendship) knows EVERYTHING about me. I trust him with my inner most feelings. And our relationship started with lies! Especially lies about conquests.....for years. My youngest close friend (3-4 yo friendship) has a very special bond with me. Because I can accept that I am worth the time my friend spends on me, I do not need to make anything up to make me seem more deep or interesting. I have found with this one, that the more I reveal truthfully, the more I get back truthfully.
Being true to myself at work has made the workplace such a good place to be. I do not lie to my students about where they are technically or emotionally. This has given me a reputation of being a dragon! And by telling the truth I am one! But, they love their dragon, and he loves them.
So what have I learned? I can never EVER completely leave the lies behind. So I made a decision: those whom I care about get only the truth. The ones who will never be more than acquaintances: I need to stretch the truth to stay sane, so I might as well lie to them..... It sounds cold, I know, but I'm finding that I'm getting rid of the acquaintances anyway. That's a FUCK UP: pretty soon I will have nobody to lie to anymore!!!
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