I usually make a point of blogging twice a week. On a Monday morning, and again on a Thursday morning. It's Wednesday! I have a good excuse though. We had our annual lunchtime concerts over the last few days. All the Musical Theatre students who I help prepare for exams need to get up in front of the entire staff and faculty and "show what they've learned". Now the lead up to these concerts are STRESSFUL for the students....and myself. Because they are FORCED to prepare a public performance, they suddenly decide that it is time to face all their demons, and deal with them - often with Mister Q's help! It's stressful, but I love my babies (they're the only ones I have), so I don't mind.
They were AMAZING! Each and every one of them. I cannot describe the pride I feel when I listen to them, watch them, perform with them! The best thing about being a teacher is that, if you want to be the best teacher you can be, you must LEAD by example. So I cannot adopt that age-old "do what I say, not what I do" attitude. The great thing about my babies, is that they challenge me. When I started working at the WTS, I had a singing face! Yep, a face I put on just to sing with. The more I told them NOT to copy my silly singing face, the more they did. So I had no choice but to get rid of it.... I did. They are more important than my insecurities!
There have been a number of little habits I abandoned over the last 4 years at the college. But, for this concert, I decided to address my BIGGEST ISSUE as a performer...right now.... Because I have such a large stage personality, part of my journey was learning to switch off my emotions in order to perform. This practice has served me well for MANY years and MANY performances. But I always knew that "switching off" was merely a part of the process, not the end result. Watching my students fight their demons is truly inspirational. So my challenge to myself was to choose the most emotional song I knew, present it as a performance piece - but rather than PRETEND, I would make myself EMOTE SINCERELY! Mense, my hart klop nou nog vinnig as ek daaraan dink. The song: "Kris, Look What You've Missed" from Naked Boys Singing. It's a beautiful and emotional ballad that shows the longing of a man who has lost his life partner to Aids!
So I explained to the audience what the piece was about BEFORE I started singing the song. It was VERY difficult. Grief is something that (although I have experienced it) I am not willing to show to the world. But I had promised myself I would. By the end of the epic piece, I had tears in my eyes.... It was difficult!!!!! The response? I was pleased and humbled by the audience reaction. While I was recovering from the performance, I looked around and saw all my students and colleagues in tears.... I feel SO BAD! Some of them rushed out as soon as I finished the song.... My students told me they were proud of me. Two of my colleagues congratulated me....I have more than 2 colleagues....
So it's a day later. I feel BAD!!!! I feel like I did everybody who had lost a loved one a disservice. I did what I had decided to do for myself - and the recovery time was LONG! 2 hours later, my heart was still beating at an alarming speed! But it feels to me now that it was at the expense of others... I do not want to hurt other people!
I think I feel so bad because I did something for myself.... We all do SO MUCH for everyone else that we often forget that we have needs too. This was an IMPORTANT step for me to take! I feel different today, somewhat empowered. Very emotional (not common for me). I feel like I may have been able to achieve my objective without causing anybody pain - and I may have! That would have meant compromising..... Our lives are all FULL of compromises. My director for "My Grand (ma se) Piano" told me that I was not to edit myself during the show. Well Paul Griffiths, I'm putting the blame SQUARELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS! Thank you!!!!! I needed that.
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