My mom got some bad news from the hospital yesterday. She does not want to share her news with the whole world, so I shall respect that, but things are not looking good at all at the moment. In the past - before I started really FEELING things - this would not have had much effect on me... But eversince I opened my heart up to really EXPERIENCING life, I've had the pleasure of experiencing as much pleasure as I have pain!
To those of you who know me, you KNOW that my mom and I aren't best friends! But last night (while I was driving to Somerset West with tears blurring my vision) I remembered my childhood with my mom. She was my hero!! When I started seeing Keith, his mom said to him: "I hope you speak about me HALF as much as Jeremy speaks about his mom". I thought of the unfairness of MY MOM sitting at a public hospital waiting with a bunch of RANDOM people because she cannot afford to pay for a doctor while her son (me) has money in the bank! Have I become so cold and distant from my mom that she cannot tell me she has been sick for THREE WEEKS and ask me for money to go and see a doctor?!?! I have!!!!!
In all fairness, my mom and I BOTH played a part in the destruction of our relationship! I shall not explore our roles publicly!! Those of you who know me know all the details! But last night - faced with my mom's sickness and my dad's despair - I relised that those two old people are MY PARENTS! And that, as much as I have distanced myself from them, I LOVE them. I had forgotten that I love my mom and my dad: Mamma en Pappa! En gisteraand was vir my 'n huge wake-up call.
So what now? The hurt and pain my parents have caused me still weighs HEAVY on my heart! But I cannot bear to see theirs! I don't know what the solution is!!
Last night was also a HUGELY emotional journey for another reason. I drove to my sick mom all by myself!!! How pathetic is that?! I REALLY needed company! But because I was so emotional, I was fussy over who could go with... It had to be somebody who had seen me 'broken' before! Very few people have!! As much as I am sharing nowadays, I still hide THAT from the world! I tell people, but I show almost NOBODY! By the time I arrived at my mom, I had purchased eye drops, put on my (false) cynical humour, and became my "I'm gonna cheer everyone up" counter-self! It was difficult, but I pretended well....
So when I left there, I REALLY NEEDED my friend. I had needed him with me when I drove to Mom - and he kept me company on the phone! THANK YOU!! On the way back, he couldn't.....
So I'm sitting here in my lounge now. Fokol geslaap!!! And I have a LONG day of ballet ahead of me.... I don't do ballet, I play the piano for ballet. I wanna go see Mom again today, but I have responsibilities at work I cannot ignore. And I KNOW that (taking my lack of sleep into account) I will fall asleep behind the wheel if I attempt to drive to Somerset West tonight.
My favourite gospel song growing up (yes I went to church once) was one called "The Warrior is a Child". The lyrics have NEVER left me. Whenever I'm down, I sing this to myself. Maybe it's time to share.....
Lately I've been winning battles left and right But even winners can get wounded in the fight People say that I'm amazing Strong beyond my years But they don't see inside of me I'm hiding all the tears They don't know that I go running home when I fall down They don't know who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and cry for just a while 'Cause deep inside this armour The warrior is a child Unafraid because His armour is the best But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest People say that I'm amazing Never face retreat But they don't see the enemies That lay me at His feet They don't know that I go running home when I fall down They don't know who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and and cry for just a while 'Cause deep inside this armour the warrior is a child They don't know that I go running home when I fall down They don't know who picks me up when no one is around I drop my sword and look up for a smile 'Cause deep inside this armour Deep inside this armour Deep inside this armour The Warrior is a Child!
Thank you for sharing those lyrics
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