Sad

I just realised something the other day. I don't get angry. I will scream and shout at something out of frustration yes! I get frustrated and annoyed, but anger really is foreign to me. I get sad! When others would get angry, I go sad.

It's a bit of a fuck up for me. When I'm sad I think - I don't really think much! So I'm sad today. I haven't done any work since 1pm because none of my students have pitched up. I'm sitting in my office now: ALONE! I am hardly ever alone. I have issues with being alone - and then I have issues with having people around.... Dammit!

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”

I just typed sadness into google and I got this quote. I like it! It is telling me something though: I must tell people when I am hurt. It's difficult though. Admitting to hurt is admitting that I'm vulnerable. I am! It's funny how people think I'm not. But then, I often think that others are not vulnerable. I think it's just me who suffers from all this insecurity! 

Why do we assume that everybody is stronger than we are? Or is it just me who does that? I look at others and see strength and confidence. I look in the mirror and see fear.....

I visited with one of my cousins the other day. I have always seen her as a strong woman. I still do! She made me think alot. We spoke about spouses, ex's, family, friends..... She reminded me that (especially with my ex) I should just say nothing unless I have something good to say about him. We discussed family: cousins, aunts, uncles..... Why is it that our extended family has such high expectations of us? I expect nothing from them! Maybe it's my upbringing, but in our house we were taught to expect nothing, and then if we got something it would be so much more special. Were my parents wrong? Maybe their teaching has taught me to settle and accept whatever shit is passed onto me??? I don't know. But I am usually content! We spoke about friends and spouses: one of my very special friends has a difficult husband - so I don't visit her. Is that fair? Am I meant to give up our lifelong friendship to avoid the hurt his comments cause? Or am I meant to hurt her by insisting she meets me somewhere else: away from him? Or do I just vreet sy kak?

So many questions, but no answers!

I'm feeling better. I love writing! It is so therapeutic!