It's been a while. Rosanna asked me the other day why I haven't been blogging. My response? I've had nothing positive to say. The holidays were very difficult for me. I decided to end a very special relationship. My partner for nearly 13 years (it would have been 13 on the 13th March) and I decided to break up! It's not been easy. Especially because there was nothing wrong with our relationship. I wasn't unhappy, we didn't fight, we had no financial problems. So why the break up then?
I have asked myself this question many times. We were admired by our friends as being an example of 2 gay men in a long term relationship. We did everything together. Did the overseas holidays, dinner dates, family events... He spent alot of time at my office: the students LOVE him. People who were part of my life before us admired his gentle, caring, generous nature. He was committed to me!!!
It was a funny thing that triggered my decision to end it all. I blogged one day about being an optimist. In that blog I mentioned a moment where I found myself dancing in the street of the home we had lived in for 10 years. I was SO HAPPY at that moment! Unfortunately, he did not share in my happiness.... This started a train of thought.
I then looked at our relationship, making a list of pros and cons! You know, like on the movies. The pros FAR outnumbered the cons. The cons was this little list of nearly nothing, and the pros continued indefinitely! I had 'married' a GOOD and moral man. A committed partner, and supportive husband. An attractive man that many would love to have!
My best friend often speaks of deal-breakers! You know, things that just are not negotiable. There was a deal breaker! One tiny phrase on my list of cons that I had lived with for 12 years, that I was just not willing to do anymore.....
So the break up happened. IT WAS DIFFICULT! Those of you who are my friends KNOW that you were all ignored during these holidays. I had something MAJOR on my mind. Emotional ups and downs! FUCK but I cried. I thought at one stage my tear ducts could not produce any more tears. The worst part of all this? I had to do it alone. There are 1 or 2 people I spoke to at the time. But people have their own lives and issues to deal with. They cannot be at your beck and call just because your life is falling apart! They have their own shit. I remember feeling so alone! NEEDING someone to talk to. Someone to hold and tell me everything was going to be okay! I KNOW that I have friends who would GLADLY have done this for me. But it's blind to ask someone to hold you, just because you need it.... Especially when so many perceive you as being some sort of Superman person....
I moved out of my HOME 11 days ago. It was so difficult to leave. I packed my things, loaded up my station wagon, and was going to leave... I then took a walk through MY HOME! 10 years! We had decorated our home together. The straight lines and clinical approach were his contribution, mine was the browns and fabrics: the things that softened everything and gave it that homely feel. I stood in the lounge for a few mins - he was outside cleaning MY POND and tending to MY FISH - and cried. I'm getting all emotional now again... My home... Every piece of furniture, every cabinet, every ornamental piece I helped choose and place where it was. I had spent hours cleaning things carefully and lovingly placing it back at the spot that I chose for years... That house was an extension of who I am, who we were, and I was leaving it all behind... Fuck, I'm sobbing now...
I miss him! FUCK I miss him... My entire adult life! I'm 32! I was 20 and 5 days old when we went on our first date...
So now. I'm living with mom. I have no car. I'm in the Northern Suburbs!!! I'm a city girl dammit. If I made a list of pros and cons now, it would still look on paper like I made a bad choice. But my life is not a comparitive table! Granted, things aren't looking great right now...
However, the support I have had from friends and especially students and colleagues has been amazing! There are a few students who check up on me every day or two just to make sure I am coping. One of them offered me a ride in her 'blue ferrari' if ever I needed it. Hugs are plenty. My boss has been so supportive. I LOVE MY JOB! And, despite the difficulty of my situation, I feel that my future is filled with possibility and happiness. I don't know what the hell will happen, but I haven't been this excited and energised since I was a teenager. I feel good.....
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