Time Heals All Wounds.

I'm sitting on the wall outside my office. Typing on my new little pink laptop. NO! I haven't won the lottery. My previous laptop has reached the end of his life. His motherboard is screwed. I love my little pinkie! She's so cute. Goodness me, did I just call one of my possessions a girl??? Times are changing hey! There has been alot said about pinkie! Some people say she's too gay. Come on! Have you seen her MOMMY??? It's a little thing, but I feel so good about the fact that I have what people call a gay laptop.

I have suppressed my femininity for 33 years now! WHAT FOR? Because people told me it was better to be straight acting. It's fine that you're gay, as long as you're not a moffie!!!

It's a week later. I'm sitting in my office. I start work in 2 hours time. For those of you who do not know this about me: I HATE BEING LATE. Punctuality is so important to me that I leave home at least 3 hours before I need to be at work - so that I can miss the traffic.

So recently my blog has been about my break-up and the recovery process. This one is about the man I broke up with. We started seeing each other 13 years ago. He's an amazing man. I was a 2nd year university student looking after myself at the time. Although my parents offered moral support, they were not at the means to help me financially. I was 19, living on my own, paying my own university fees. Times were tough!!! I was a professional drag queen at the time. Drag paid well! I was able to pay my fees, accomodation and look after myself.....barely. Then this AMAZING man entered my life. 15 years my senior. He was willing to love me, care for me, share his life with me. I jumped at the opportunity to love him. And love him I did.....and I do! I dedicated myself to him emotionally, financially, intelectually...... I was a naai though, ek was 'n rondloper...... I know, that's an unforgivable sin. He never knew!

I lived with him, sharing EVERYTHING(!!!) for 13 years. And then one day (about 12 years into our relationship) I just wanted out. We had the perfect life: a beautiful home in the suburbs, very successful careers, beautiful cars, money to spend...... I believed we would be together forever. But after my 32nd birthday I wanted something different. It took me nearly six months to build up enough courage to finally tell him how I felt. And then another 2 months to move out!

So right now, I am happy! But he's not! And I love him! I always will. We decided that we would stay friends, but it's not that simple. Our friendship is painful. Too many memories - good ones. I want to hold him, tell him everything will be alright. I want to make him a cup of coffee. I want to wake him up when he has fallen asleep in front of the tv and make sure he gets to bed. I want to cut his hair because he hates the hairdresser. I want to.........

I can't!

I remember how I used to snuggle up to him every night while we fell asleep. How we used to chat in bed for quite a while before saying goodnight. I can't bear the thought that he is lying alone.......

I can't........

So my question now is this (though I already know the answer): Will I ever stop loving him?

No.

Having answered that one: How do I forgive myself for what I have done to him?