It's 08h49 on a Wednesday morning. I'm sitting here at home alone. I have finally started standing up for myself in my personal life. It's a good feeling! Problem is, now that I have all this free time I don't know what to do with it. It really is funny. All I ever wanted was time for myself to do the things that I want to do. Seems I have been living for others so much that I have forgotten what it is that makes me tick. Or maybe it's just that - since I've stopped doing things for myself - my desires have changed. I used to love going to the movies. So last night I took out my credit card, went online, saw where Narnia was playing in order to book a ticket to go and see it! Once I got to the button that said checkout I had lost interest! How sad is that? What does that say about me? Have I become such a wimp that I cannot do anything for myself anymore?! Have I become so used to the pattern of my life that I've lost all sense of excitement and adventure? I mean, you can hardly call a movie adventure, but still....
Why is it that we surrender ourselves, our lives to those we love? Are we so desperate for affirmation that we will sacrifice our very souls for approval? The answer? YES! It is sad, but true. I see this daily among my students. The stronger personalities impose their ideas and ideologies onto the weaker more vulnerable students. There are leaders, and there are followers. Leaders need to choose whether they will lead their followers on a path of self-discovery and integrity, or whether they will lead them on a path of destruction and corruption. The latter, unfortunately, is the FUN option. It is much easier to keep control of your group if you are putting others down in the process. I have digressed.....
Back to our loved ones. I have been thinking about relationships (all kinds) for a while now. I believe that the problems we encounter with our loved ones are due to lies and secrets. Little things, like not saying we are unhappy about something that just happened, keeping things from them, adapting ourselves to suit their needs..... These little dishonesties create patterns and can lead to resentment, and I'm telling you: resentment is the beginning of the end of any relationship! Try as you may, resentment lingers long after the event that caused it.
So my healthiest relationships are my most recent ones. The ones where, from the beginning, I took the risk of losing my potential friend because I would be brutally honest from the word go. Saying what I feel when I feel it. No censorship. Approaching the relationship with the thought: if you cannot cope with who I am now, you will not be able to cope with me after a few years! I discussed this with one of my more reserved friends the other day (yes I have those), and he asked me if I really believed that people would be drawn to me if I showed them the true me all the time. He used the saying no man is an island to drive his point home. My response: by showing my friends my true self, our relationships have grown and intensified. That's the truth. I love my friends' hearts! If their habits change, and I truly love their souls, the love will continue. If the change of habit reveals more of the TRUE SOUL, our love will intensify! It makes sense to me.....
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