Butterflies.......

I'm feeling so unsettled lately. I have so much nervous energy! This is all strange and new to me. Ususally I am a fan of new experiences, but I am NOT enjoying this one. I feel like I am waiting for something bad to happen!

Maybe this is due to the fact that I have just recently started to really FEEL again. I have been wondering through this beautiful life with rose-coloured glasses. It's not like it's been easy sailing either! I have had some KAK experiences! For example: I was fired from my first job because a 15 year old GIRL said I touched her!!! You find a girl who I have touched, and I will introduce you to a liar! Not even that affected me the way little things are affecting me now..... The other day, while I was driving to work, I was SO MOVED by Barbra Streisand's cover of the gospel standard Holy Ground! Mr Q was crying mense. Another example (which was much more embarassing) was in my first year class on Friday. One of the boys started speaking (very emotionally) about the fact that one cannot always be who you are in company: about the need to hide! I cried with him......in front of my class! I have NEVER cried in front of my students!!!

So what the hell is going on! If you have an answer, please speak up NOW!

I don't know what's happening, but......I am LOVING it. I am, for the first time in a long time, being affected by other people's fears and insecurities. Once upon a time (a very long time ago) I was like this. Before people started judging me for my strange (by that I mean gay) ways! Growing up in the closet is difficult. Parents do their best for their children, ALWAYS! But, my parents were given a problem (me) they did not, and could not understand. So what do you do, where do you go if not to Mamma en Pappa. Pappa is 'n predikant!!! Ek gaan Hel toe!!!! Al my broers is popular en het meisies, en hier sit vet, lelike ek alleen. So, you stop feeling......for 20 years!

So here I sit (alone in my office again), listening to Barbra (again), with butterflies in my stomach. I am KAK scared of my unpredictable self....... But I am equally excited! In my 32nd year, I am getting to know myself again. It's freaking out those who are very close to me, but I think they all know it's for the better! I just hope I don't ever become like Paul (my AMAZING colleague and director) and start crying at (literally) the drop of a hat......