My Birthday

It was my birthday 3 days ago: I turned 34 on March the 8th. I was so depressed one week before my birthday - I missed Shaun! I had not seen him in two weeks... People usually laugh when I tell them that I am depressed because I miss Shaun. They don't get that I want to see him everyday... Anyway, I was depressed because I was missing him and I knew I wouldn't see him on my birthday. I don't think I have ever been depressed before this. Had no idea how horrible it felt to feel hopeless, sad, tired, lusteloos before. So on the 1st of March, Shaun told me he was coming to town for my birthday. He said he'd arrive on the last flight of the day on 8th March, we would have the last few hours together, and that he'd only go back home on Sunday night (today). He was going to surprise me, but because of my unhappiness he could not keep his secret anymore. My depression lifted later that night.....

As the week progressed, I got the idea that there was more to the surprise than what Shaun had told me. I did not pry at all, but kept my ears to the ground....

My birthday this year was the best I have ever had - all because of Shaun. When I arrived in my office at around 08h30 on Thursday morning, the floor was littered with white and pink balloons, there was a BEAUTIFUL bunch of giant roses (Shaun asked what my favourite flowers were), and a simple birthday card. I put down all my stuff, opened the card, read it, and called Shaun. He told me he was at work (in the Eastern Cape). Two minutes later, my office door opened and music started playing in the passage: Barbra Streisand's I've Dreamed of You. Now by this time I had figured out that Shaun was in Cape Town. However, when I arrived in my office and he wasn't there, I feared that I was sadly mistaken. Was disappointed, till I heard the song. I knew Shaun was in the passage, but stayed on the couch. After a few moments of Barbra's flawless voice, he walked into my office: How must I surprise you if you don't come out? I got up and wept in his embrace. I knew then that my day would be perfect. I was complete, and nothing that ANYBODY did thereafter could make it better than that very moment....

That was just the start. He spent the day with me in my office. That night we went home to shower before going out. I fished and figured we were going to Grand West Casino, but could not figure out what for. We dressed up and drove there. As I walked in, three very special ladies: Robyn Maree, Chloe Kiley and Rosanna Minchella greeted us at the door. I still had no clue, then one of them dropped the word Karaoke. I LOVE Karaoke. I figured that Shaun's plan was to take me out to ENJOY singing again for a change. I sing everyday, but it's not fun. I thought: Shaun really GETS me! We walked to the Karaoke bar, me in Heaven, again thinking this is as good as it gets. I was wrong. When I walked in, I saw some more guests he had invited: my mom, dad, brothers, sister-in-law and my eldest brother's girlfriend. (In my past life, birthdays were spent with either my ex or my family, they did NOT get along, and I was forced to choose.) My dad and brothers love Karaoke as much as I do. We used to go to the Lady Hamilton hotel together often to sing. It was like old times. A truly AMAZING day! And (by the way) I KICKED ASS at that Karaoke......

It was by far the best day I have ever had.....

Shaun was not finished though! He accompanied me to work on Friday again. That night we went home and dressed up again. He had bought (very expensive) tickets to go and see Fidelio. Fidelio (for those of you who do not know) is the only opera that the great Beethoven composed. The title role was sung by one of my friends from UCT Opera School, and the comic(ish) character by another one - we all had the same singing teacher. I have not been to see an opera in years: too expensive! Right now, I cannot afford it, and when I had the means, other things were always seen as more important. I LOVE OPERA!!!!!!!!!! I sat there (in the cold Cape Town wind) mesmerised. It was such an emotional journey. I rose and fell with the orchestra, cried with the singers, felt the pain and anguish in Beethoven's great composition. I'm getting emotional now just remembering it. GOOSEBUMPS!!!!

I often say that I hate surprises. It's not the truth. I have always LOVED surprises. You know what, after years of NOBODY bothering to make the effort to surprise you, you learn to fear them. I was disappointed birthday after birthday, Christmas after Christmas, over and over again. The worst was that I had made such an effort for my nearest and dearest, but it was never returned. My last surprise was when I turned 21, by my church choir at the time....

Shaun went back home today. I will miss him.

If you have never heard me say this, pay attention. I am in love with the most generous, caring, exciting, child-like, mature, crazy, sweet, smart, sexy, goofy, loving, full of bull... AMAZING man in the world. I have every intention of spending my life with him....

Thank you Shaun, you've made me believe again....

Believe (thanks Bernice)

It's been a long time. Too long! I have tried to blog before today, but it's been difficult. Whenever I started, I found myself going back to the past - a horrible past! I think I kept going there because this blog, and those who read it, played a major role in my healing. Still in the healing process, but I AM getting there.

I have been wearing a wedding band since my 20th year - the first gift my ex bought me. It was gold. I chose it, so I loved it. In my 27th year I bought a 2nd wedding band for myself - because I loved it. This one was gold and titanium. I took the gold one off my wedding finger and placed the titanium one on it: a sign of my longing for independance! Wore the original on my right hand. On the day that I moved out, I took the gold one off and never wore it again. Gave it to my dad to keep until I knew what I wanted to do with it. Dad still has it.

My story starts the day after I moved out of my previous life. It was a Sunday, and Mark (my big brother) and I went to visit our cousin Bernice Swartland in Worcester. I needed something to take my mind off things! We slept over at her home with her family. It was good visiting there.

Two months after that, Shaun and I went to visit Bernice. I wanted to introduce him to somebody in my family: somebody who actually wanted to meet him. Bernice, her husband Michael and their son Mitch welcomed us into their home with open arms. It was at breakfast that morning that Bernice gave me a brand new Silver wedding band with something engraved on it. The ring said BELIEVE.... I added the new band to the titanium one on my wedding finger: a perfect fit. I have since given my titanium ring to Shaun. He wears it on a chain around his neck with two other pendants. One with my name, the other his. The ring hangs between the pendants: a symbol of my devotion to him, and my intention to marry him!

I have not removed the ring Bernice gave me since the day I received it. Later that day, when I doubted my ability to get through the difficulties that the changes in my life had brought about, Shaun pointed to the engraved ring. He said: believe. I cried!

My ring has been my saviour so many times.....

You may ask what I believe. Many things. At the moment Shaun is away. He is working in the Eastern Cape till the end of June. It is difficult. I am finally in love: for the first time in my life. I want to be with Shaun. He wants to be with me. We are both very emotional beings, and we NEED each other. I believe that there is something to be learned from being apart. For Shaun: independance. As much as we love each other, and pine for each other, we are seperate beings - beautiful in our individuality, whole - who want to be together. For me: the importance of a real relationship. I have never missed anybody before. I have never been sad before. I have never felt lonely before. I LOVE Shaun! I NEED Shaun! I can be a good and faithful husband to Shaun...

...I am certain you're the last man in my life... Andrew Lloyd Weber

The college's graduation ceremony happens soon. I'm spreading this message: I arranged a Believe Medley for the College Chorus to sing for the graduates. I hope they listen!

One more thing: when you lose faith, my ring is available to anyone who needs it. Have a look. Thank you Bernice....

Lester

There have been a few things I have wanted to chat about over the last few weeks. Right now I cannot remember all of them, but one of them has stuck in my head....

My mom was horribly sick a week or three ago. I took her to see my doctor. He was AMAZING by the way. I still need to thank him for everything he did for her. That's not what this blog is about though. While we were there, he asked her all sorts of medical questions which she answered truthfully, and some personal ones: he asked my mom how many children she has.

I grew up in a house with 4 siblings, all brothers. My mother had 5 sons: Mark, George, Lester, Jeremy and Nathan. All English names although we are an Afrikaans family. Mark was the sportsman, George the bookworm, Lester was the really nice guy, I was the musician and Nathan was the angelic youngest son. A mixed bunch with nothing in common, except a very strong blood bond and lots of love. We grew up. Mark, George, Lester and Nathan got married and had kids. Mark had a son and a daughter, George had 2 sons and a daughter, Lester had a son and a daughter and Nathan a daughter.

Lester and his family were in a car accident 5 years ago. They were on their way home from Cape Town (they lived in Johannesburg), Lester was driving, the car rolled a few times. Megan (his wife) and Tristan (his 1 year old son) weren't hurt at all. Shay (his 3 year old daughter) was hurt in the accident but has since fully recovered. My 31 year old brother did not survive the accident.

The recovery process is difficult. I don't think any of us will ever be the same again.

When Doctor De Klerk asked my mom how many sons she has, she said proudly (without hesitation) that she has 5 sons. My heart skipped a beat. I was so close to tears at that moment. I have never spoken to my parents about Lester's passing. It's too painful to see their grief. I have managed to suppress my own grief for years. Well - until I met another young lady who lost her sister in the same way. She's one of my students, and we have (unintentionally) shared many quiet tears. Thank you!

Back to my mom. She said she has 5 sons. My initial reaction was: has she not come to terms with this? Isn't it time to let go? This reminds me of the song that my (previously mentioned) student and I sing together and cry about EVERY TIME:

If you haven't figured out what's happening in  the song: 2 sisters are singing. One is dying. The other trying her best to say goodbye. The line that gets me every time is All my life I've lived for loving you; let me go now. But how do I let go? I have 4 brothers: Mark, George, Lester and Nathan. Lester's soul lives on somewhere. He's still my brother, not so? Is my mom right? Or does the song have the right message? I have certainly heard many arguments supporting the latter. My head also says it's time to let go. My heart is a different story though. I've only recently started grieving the loss of my brother. I need to hold on a little longer - and any of you who knew Lester will know that he would not mind...

TRUTH

So I am back. I have spent all this time contemplating what to do about my blog. Freedom of expression is way too important to me. So I am back.....

I have never really spoken plainly about my life here. Always assumed that everybody knew who and what I was. Just to fill you all in. At the age of 20 I entered a relationship with a man 15 years my senior. I stayed in this relationship for nearly 13 years. That is it as far as my old life goes. I cannot reveal too much about it, because it hurts the people who were part of my life. These people from my past are the reason I deleted this blog for a while. One more thing I will say about my old relationship: when I left he told me that the only way to be free  and to grow is to tell the truth: the whole sordid truth. I did. Here. There were consequences.....

"...ek het rondgeloop..." This is a quote from one of my previous blogs. This is what he was speaking about when I left. He told me I had to tell my family about the fact that I was unfaithful. I told my mom, dad and siblings. It was not easy for Dad to hear. He told me that there are certain things you just don't do. Mom knew about it. She told me I did it. My brothers said nothing. So I mentioned it here......

Ai tog!!!!!!! I have cousins who read this blog. One of them told my aunts that this blog is a place where I reveal intimate details about my sexual life in order to attract men to have "good times" with. They also told them that I say horrible things about my ex! I have read and re-read all my posts. This analysis of my blog was based on the previous quote. The complete sentence was: "Ek was 'n naai, ek het rongeloop." So this one sentence where I reveal MY SINS has alienated my family from me. I deleted this blog after chatting to an aunt (who had never read it) and seeing how much pain it caused. She has since read the blog. My mom and dad went to visit her the other day. She told them that of their 5 sons, 2 of them are good men: my deceased brother, and the 2nd born. So I'm not a good man.....

After this judgement, I realised that they would never see anything other than what they want to see. My blog would make no difference to their opinions of me - whether it existed or not. So I have brought it all back.

I was told to tell the truth. I will! The truth about me!

I am Jeremy Quickfall. A 33 year old gay man who grew up in the Cape Flats in Cape Town. My dad Ernest is a priest. He's retired, but my daddy is a PRIEST! A MAN OF GOD. I love him and I am proud of him. My mom is a MOTHER! No fancy title. A MOTHER!!! She will do ANYTHING for ANY OF HER CHILDREN. And she has the 5 of us, but so many more. There are young and old men and women from my youth who still call MY MOMMY "MAMMA". I love my mother and I am proud of her. I have 4 brothers, one of them in Heaven. When I was kicked out of the only home I had known as an adult (you told me to tell the truth), my mommy, my daddy and my brothers took me in. Mark moved out of his bedroom in his house for me. He lived in the lounge for 3 months. I love my brothers, their wives/girlfriends and their children, and I am proud to call them my siblings.

I am Jeremy Quickfall, and I am in love with Shaun Klaasen. I have committed myself to him completely. He is my soulmate, my best friend...... My intention is to spend my life with him.

THIS IS THE TRUTH, and I was told that THE TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE

God helps those who help themselves

So it's really been a long time hey! It's 01h13 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but every now and again I cannot - and counting sheep? Who came up with that rubbish anyway?

I stopped blogging for a while for a reason: I discovered that my blog caused distress to some folk. The reason for this blog was to share my experiences with others in the hope that it would be a little entertaining, and (dare I say) I hoped that my thoughts and experiences may help others. A very dear aunt told me that my blog really disturbed and upset her. When I asked her if she had read it, she said she had not, but that one of my cousins told her about the terribly intimate details I share of my (love/sex) life in this blog. I have read through every post, and I have not found what they may have been referring to. Any ideas???

After much thought, I have decided to continue blogging...

We're rehearsing for a production of the musical Hairspray at college right now. Early morning rehearsals (7am)! I have one in about 5 and a half hours! Silly sheep! I'm having difficulty keeping up hey. I don't know how my students do it. They start rehearsing with me at 7am tomorrow, have a full day of college and then rehearse till 10pm most nights. You MUST admire their commitment. I certainly do!

Some really good things are happening for me right now. I have started working on a TV show! Very exciting. Cannot reveal too much yet, since the show has not started airing yet, but had a GREAT rehearsal last night. VERY TALENTED PEOPLE I am working with. Once Hairspray has finished, I go into rehearsals for Forbidden Broadway (with 4 of my students in the cast!!!) while preparing for a big Xmasy thing in the Eastern Cape. Life is good!

Personally.... The last year has been difficult! VERY difficult. Leaving behind the only adult life you have known is not easy. My experiences have affirmed something I believe though: God helps those who help themselves. Although this phrase is not biblical, and there is no certainty regarding its origins, it works for me. When I moved out if the only home I had known for 12 years, I was so worried about my future: emotionally, FINANCIALLY.... Despite my paralysing fear, I (for once) did what was right for ME! I placed my trust in the universe and my family.

My family was AMAZING! On the day that I moved out, I called my big brother (I needed a place to stay). I told him what the situation was - he had had no prior warning - and asked for lodging. By the time I got to the house that he shares with my mom and dad, he had moved out of his room and into the lounge. His motivation: I needed my privacy! WOW! That's a special brother.

Right now, I am sitting on my bed, working on my brand new Sony laptop, shopping online for a new car, and searching for a property to purchase. At the beginning of 2011 I was a mess. I never thought I would get to THIS stage. But here I am! Best of all - the most amazing thing that has EVER happened to me....Shaun! My Shaun! He's away in the Eastern Cape right now, but I know where his heart is!

What have I learned? When we start doing things for ourselves - the right things DESPITE what everybody around us says - good things WILL happen. If you do not believe this, look at me!

Sad

I just realised something the other day. I don't get angry. I will scream and shout at something out of frustration yes! I get frustrated and annoyed, but anger really is foreign to me. I get sad! When others would get angry, I go sad.

It's a bit of a fuck up for me. When I'm sad I think - I don't really think much! So I'm sad today. I haven't done any work since 1pm because none of my students have pitched up. I'm sitting in my office now: ALONE! I am hardly ever alone. I have issues with being alone - and then I have issues with having people around.... Dammit!

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”

I just typed sadness into google and I got this quote. I like it! It is telling me something though: I must tell people when I am hurt. It's difficult though. Admitting to hurt is admitting that I'm vulnerable. I am! It's funny how people think I'm not. But then, I often think that others are not vulnerable. I think it's just me who suffers from all this insecurity! 

Why do we assume that everybody is stronger than we are? Or is it just me who does that? I look at others and see strength and confidence. I look in the mirror and see fear.....

I visited with one of my cousins the other day. I have always seen her as a strong woman. I still do! She made me think alot. We spoke about spouses, ex's, family, friends..... She reminded me that (especially with my ex) I should just say nothing unless I have something good to say about him. We discussed family: cousins, aunts, uncles..... Why is it that our extended family has such high expectations of us? I expect nothing from them! Maybe it's my upbringing, but in our house we were taught to expect nothing, and then if we got something it would be so much more special. Were my parents wrong? Maybe their teaching has taught me to settle and accept whatever shit is passed onto me??? I don't know. But I am usually content! We spoke about friends and spouses: one of my very special friends has a difficult husband - so I don't visit her. Is that fair? Am I meant to give up our lifelong friendship to avoid the hurt his comments cause? Or am I meant to hurt her by insisting she meets me somewhere else: away from him? Or do I just vreet sy kak?

So many questions, but no answers!

I'm feeling better. I love writing! It is so therapeutic!

It's the little things....

It really is funny how everything in life just works out if we wait hey. I remember when we were growing up my dad (the priest remember) once gave a sermon about asking God for things. He said that there always is an answer: yes, no or wait. When you're a child, this bit of information is really not useful. Wait???? But when you grow up.......

I think this may be one of the most important lessons I have ever learned. When the time is right..... One such example is my current job. I was asked to apply for this job 3 years before I got it. I did not apply! It was my own fear and insecurity that prevented me from sending in that CV. In those 3 years that my predecessor taught here, I did A Handful of Keys. This iconic show changed my life. I learnt how to perform!!! Before the show I was SHITE! The show also taught me that music (especially the performance side) could be, and was meant to be fun! If I had started working at the Theatre College in 2004, my entire approach to teaching and (dare I say) mentoring would have been different. I would have destroyed personalities in the search for perfection!!! I understood about the voice then, but not about people. Whether you believe in a divinity, the goodness of nature or fate....... Everything happens at the right time......

I got a new mattress yesterday! A huge, heavy mother of a mattress. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, my back (which had been killing me for the past few weeks) was not sore at all, and my headache (that had been there since Sunday) had miraculously disappeared! A mattress..... I picked a R6 000 mattress up for R2 000 - NEW!!!! I'm telling you guys - if you do good.....

Now I've just opened a new can of worms..... Good? Who decides what is good or bad? There are quite a number of people who would argue that I do not do good - and from the outside it probably seems that way at times. But I can confidently say that I always do my best, and that I do WHATEVER I can for WHOEVER despite how I feel about them! Shit, I sound like an angel! I'M NOT!!! There are people who I have wronged - we cannot always get it right!

Shaun is taking my mom to the movies today! I'm all emotional now! He's taking her to see Il trovatore. The little things! It really is not a biggie, but it means so much to me...... I must stop crying now, I have a student arriving in 5 mins. It really is just that little bit extra that just makes us feel that we're special hey. Cindy and Terence cooking us dinner. Chloe venting with me when I need it. Robyn walking in every morning to check how I am. Shelani's hugs. Sven taking me to SPAR to get lunch..... These things don't take much effort, but DAMN they make me feel good about myself.

I must go, gotta teach.......