The best Christmas Ever

Sitting on our bed in the flat - quite an untidy recovering-from-Xmas flat I must add - reflecting on 25 December 2013.

I told Shaun sometime this year that I am always disappointed after Christmas. I told him that I feel dissatisfied with the day, the presents, everything. So my love set out to make this my best Christmas ever...

It started more than a month ago when he came home one day saying that he bought me my Christmas gift already, and asked me if I wanted it then or whether I would wait till Christmas. He was so excited that I decided waiting was not an option. He bought me the only box set I had ever wanted: "Keeping Up Appearances" and he watched EVERY SINGLE EPISODE with me. I was so happy. Shaun had listened and given me something I had desired for over TEN years.

But he wasn't finished!

Since I have started becoming a responsible adult, I have not really allowed myself to indulge in things like shopping unnecessarily. Whenever we go out, I will look at something and decide that it is not necessary. Shaun remembered EVERYTHING I had not bought for myself.

We don't drink instant coffee at all. I have a grinder, a mocha, a frother, an old-fashioned big coffee pot for guests and a plunger. So the morning ritual is usually wash the mocha, grind the beans, put the mocha on the stove, boil water - voila --- Americanos! Our grinder was the cheapest I could find at the time, and little bits of it has broken off over the last two years. It works perfectly, but frustrates me nonetheless. I have been eyeing a KRUPS coffee grinder forever!!!! Shaun's mom's Xmas gift to me was the EXACT grinder I wanted...

If you have ever been invited to our home (flat) for a meal, you will know that I cook and bake EVERYTHING from scratch. Everybody has at some stage had warm bread at our home. So things like mixing bowls are very important to me. My mom bought me a mixing bowl two Christmases ago. I used that bowl for EVERYTHING!!! And so it broke. I was heartbroken and went out to get a new one. He went with and I eyed a glass one, but decided it was too expensive. So I bought a really cheap plastic one - which broke the first time I used it!!!!! With Christmas upon us I couldn't justify buying another, so if I cooked or baked anything for you this Christmas, it was mixed in our salad bowl!!!! I got TWO very nice mixing bowls for Christmas. The exact same glass one I wouldn't buy myself, and a beautiful stone coloured one his mom chose!

My siblings and our wives/partners did the Secret Santa thing for the first time ever this year. Shaun drew my name!!! We went coat/jacket shopping a few days before Xmas. There was one I liked but wouldn't buy. Thank goodness for Secret Santa!

He gave me another gift, but we'll get there later....

On Christmas morning (after playing my FOURTH service) we came home and changed clothes to go to our families. I wanted to wear a shorts and realised I had no flip flops. Guess what mom bought me! Havaianas! She's bought me flip flops before - but the leather kind. So when I felt the package I was like "oh well"! Then I opened it. I have wanted to buy a pair for a LONG time! But R300 for flip flops??? No way. YAY!!! MY MOMMY!!!!

I went to Shaun's aunt's home for Christmas tea and saw the most beautiful bread bin. I opened it up and saw she was using it to store plastic bags. I told her I really liked it and she gave it to me. Another YAY!!!

Shaun's parents drove 800km with two display cabinets on the back of their bakkie for us, and sent us a couch about 3 weeks ago. So I still need to go and redo the lounge. Another YAY YAY!

And finally! My biggest worry this Christmas was "how am I gonna pay the taxman?" Someone forgot to pay the taxman when they paid me, and I forgot to check. I will be checking in the future! My beautiful husband-to-be came to the rescue AGAIN!

I can't stop smiling!

He has taught me the most valuable lesson ever, and I want to share it with you. We are all too selfish in our relationships. We look at our partners who we love and adore, but we are always thinking of what it is we can get out of the relationship. Shaun taught me this Christmas that love (and ultimately marriage) is not about ourselves, it's about our partners. He is so happy because I told him that this was the first time that I felt happy about Christmas. He had sacrificed everything he wanted for Christmas so that I could have everything I wanted. He acted completely selflessly and gave me a day that I will never EVER forget - which has made him so happy...

 We are selfish in our relationships! All of us! But I learned something this festive season: our love is not about me, it's about Shaun. And dammit I'm gonna start living it!

I really am BLESSED!!!

Family?

Now here is a question that has been haunting me for a while. Who is my family? Of course I know who my family is by blood - but is the blood that runs through our veins enough to make us family....

My immediate family (parents, brothers) and I have grown much closer in the last three years. They have been such a blessing. On the day that my life fell apart, they welcomed me into their hearts and homes like the father in the parable of the prodigal son.

Come to think of it, I was the prodigal son: I pushed my family away in favour of a life where there was more opportunity - or so I thought. I thought I had found my soulmate. When the person you think is your soulmate makes you choose between him and your mother (however subtle), he definitely is NOT your soulmate. Yet, I justified my decision by carefully choosing parts of what my parents had taught me and sowing the chosen bits together to create a justification that came straight from their mouths. Just like the father in the parable, my beautiful family (in-laws included) welcomed me back, created an invisible protective shield around me, and built me up again. That is what family does I think.

My new family (Shaun's family). I have known Shaun's family for a little over two years now. I am his first boyfriend, I am a wee bit older than him - okay a bit more than a wee bit, and him introducing me to his family was also his coming out. They had every reason to hate me.

Funny thing about family though. A family is born of love. I met Shaun's mom and dad first. He took me to their home. It was a little bit uncomfortable at first. They could see that I adored their son though. I also loved his parents before I met them - they are his parents. The two of them are responsible for creating and nurturing the most beautiful soul I have ever met. I love Shaun's parents. They make me feel like I belong...

On the day that I met the first of his aunts, I went armed with my best weapon: a pot of love! I LOVE cooking and baking almost as much as I love Shaun. I took homemade roti and curry to Auntie Yvonne and Uncle Japie's home on the day I met them. We all gathered around a meal. They welcomed me into their home and into their lives; as did the rest of his aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I have no blood ties to Shaun or his family. I believe that I am a part of this family!

My dad was the youngest of 8 children. He was a lot younger than his siblings. Because of the age difference, I have one cousin who is my age: Odette. Odette is the most beautiful woman (after my mother) that I know. She has the kindest and most gentle heart. When I was a teenager, I spent every school holiday at her home with her. We do not see each other often anymore, but whenever I am in her presence I feel her love and affection so strongly that I need to distance myself from my emotions so as to not break down and cry. We have such a strong bond that there has never even been a threat that has been able to shake it. Family.

For all of my life I have felt a deep love for all my aunts, uncles and cousins - there are MANY of them!!! I remember looking forward to family parties: a time where we could all be happy together and celebrate the beauty that is the Quickfall family. I then became an adult, and started moving within the family circle. Everywhere I went, I received love and acceptance. This was new to me. I was a fat teenager, so love and acceptance were not things I had gotten used to. The people outside my family circle just ridiculed me.

I loved bumping into cousins when I was on holiday, enjoyed visiting my aunts (all the uncles except my dad had passed away by the time I reached my late twenties), loved getting to know my cousins' children, and I especially loved being the unofficial entertainment wherever we went. As in any large family, there has always been fighting causing rifts between various members at various times.

I was, unfortunately, at the centre of one of the biggest divisions caused in my family. I wasn't alone - there were two of us. After the event, I distanced myself from them - giving no explanation and no details of what my role was in the afore-mentioned event. I figured that if I took myself out of the equation, the rest of them could continue being the loving and beautiful bunch they were before. This did not work. One of my cousins phoned me once and told me that I need to talk about what happened - state what my involvement was. I didn't. I figured that every intelligent person knows that there are two sides to every story, so it made sense that if you had only heard one side of the story you obviously did not know the truth. My mom and dad are paying for my mistake. Family?

I have very good friends. Sadly, some of them are scattered all over the world. There was a time in my early twenties where I cut all my friends out of my life - for a period of two years. After two years I realised my mistake. I approached them all individually. They forgave me and continued loving me as if nothing had happened. Family!

I have a big loving family. We have great times together. My family knows I am not perfect and they love me regardless. I have hurt my family, and have been hurt by them many times; but every time we have hurt each other, we forgave and our love grew. I am smiling now, thinking of all these faces that wish nothing but the best for ME! I am blessed.

Inside my head at 1 in the morning....

The thing I love about teaching music is that I form a very special bond with almost all of my students. We spend so much time alone together, that it is difficult not to. We know so much about each other - my students and I. Not silly things like their ages, children's names, spouses names, favourite colour, favourite food, hobbies...... No - the really important things like their hopes and fears, insecurities, secrets.... I once had a mother call me to ask if I would speak to her daughter (my student) because she had had a bad day. On another occasion I was having a heart to heart with a student. Her dad called. She said: "Pappa, ek gesels met Mr Q". He put down the phone so quickly, as not to disturb us.

The more I think about it, the more I realise how privileged I am. They open their hearts up to me so much that I can tell (the moment I see them) when something bad has happened and they just need a second of my time to let it out, or sometimes just a smile. 

Maybe this is why I have never desired children of my own. Well, it could be just the thought of making them that puts me off....... I love children. I love the way they see life, and find that often I identify with them more than with the grown ups. 

My mind is all over the place and I'm tangenting from one thought to another.

Next thought - should I try to adopt a child? This is a question that has haunted me for a long time. My students often tell me I will be a good dad. My mother says so too. I just don't know if my child will be bullied at school because he is from a gay family. I am so scared of being a father. What if I am solely responsible (with all my good intentions) for raising an unhappy child? I don't know the answer yet.

Back to why I have never desired children. I think many people have children because they feel they are incomplete. I lied - I wanted a child once in my old life. My ex refused. I then stopped thinking about it. But maybe I was trying to fill a void? I don't know. My students treat me like a daddy. They look to me for answers, and they trust what I say without question. Isn't that an important part of parenthood? Helping them find answers? I haven't felt a void in years.

I am all over the place. Back to where I started.....

I love teaching music. People respond to me as a teacher. I asked a student today how one created an environment of respect in the classroom. She gave me many answers. I came up with one: LOVE. It seems to me, more and more, that everything I do is somehow connected to love. My love for music is probably the most obvious (and easy) kind of love to mention. I really do love music, and I try to share my love and passion for music with everybody. 

I don't believe, though, that this is all they respond to. My students often tell me that I have a really rough/tough exterior, but that they can see my heart. My ex told me that if it wasn't for my great love for all people, I would have been a horrible person. I really do LOVE people - even the ones that I hate. I get angry, and say horrible things, but I really love quite intensely. 

This blog is getting quite uncomfortable to write now...

We love sharing things with those we love. I love my students. I love my choristers! 

Gonna stop now. That's enough of that hug the trees and arty farty s#!+!

Good night all! 

Life Is Good

Life most certainly is GOOD!

Two years ago, I was a mess. I had just walked out of my old life (the only one I had known as an adult) after 12 years. I was living with my mom and brothers. I drove an old beat up bakkie. I was counting pennies for the first time in YEARS. There were many family members angry with me - that has only changed somewhat...

Here I am, 2 years later, living in my FAVOURITE suburb in Cape Town. My family lived here for a short time when I was a child, and I lived here as a student. It was always my desire to come back and live here again! My bakkie is no more. I drive my loving partner's MERCEDES BENZ, and he drives my Renault. We don't have cash lying around, but we certainly eat away from home often, go to the movies very often, theatre occasionally, and never worry about money. I lost the respect of some dear family members when I left my old life. My relationships with them are still strained, and I believe it will stay so - but in exchange for that, I have gotten my immediate family back. My Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters-in-law, nephews and nieces are finally part of my daily life again. They are pillars of strength and love. I also have a new family: Shaun's family has welcomed me into their homes and their hearts. I already have a reputation as a great cooker of foods and baker of fine breads and cakes. His mother especially has found a place in my heart. LIFE IS GOOD!

That is it. I will not write about my past in this blog anymore. I am letting go. Finally!

The present. As most of you know, I resigned from my job last year. Resigned, even though I had NO IDEA what my future held financially. That is the past!

I promised myself I would never again work so hard that I am constantly sick, and I haven't. My biggest responsibility work-wise has become the church (again). I am (very proudly) the Musical Director at Christ (Anglican) Church, Constantia. I grew up in the Anglican Church, and I LOVE the Anglican Church. I play for Sunday services and I teach the choir. My church choir has mostly retired people singing in it, and they are a lovely bunch. We have so much fun on a Thursday night: preparing for Sunday, learning anthems and talking K@K! The best part of being in a choir is getting to know the people - and I have a varied bunch! Shaun sings in the choir too - he has brought down the average age of the choir significantly (innocent smile). Their love and commitment inspires me!

Responsibility no 2: Groote Schuur High. I teach at the afore-mentioned school 2 days a week with my dear friend Ronel. We have a beautiful relationship. Whenever either of us has faced difficulty, we would get together and LAUGH at our unfortunate situations. When I wrote off a car for the first time, Ronel laughed (and made me laugh) at the moment when I thought my life could get no worse! I am the piano teacher for senior students. I really love teaching, and seeing so many students over 2 days is really special. These kids are so talented - one of them started playing the piano last year, and is playing at Grade 7 level now!

Responsibility no 3: My Private Students. I put out word that I had time to take on private students again. I was flooded with interested people. On Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays I teach singing and piano privately. From beginners to performing professionals, singers recording their first CD's, others trying to get that single out and heard, university students needing help and inspiration and housewives needing a release - I have them all. They all trust ME! Isn't that amazing???

Responsibility no 4: The Magnificats..... I LOVE this choir. They have individually and as a group crept into my heart. It's a privilege....

It sounds like a lot, but it really is not half as time consuming as before....

In addition to this, I am going to perform again this year. MY GRAND (ma se) PIANO is back. Slightly different. I am doing the Grahamstown festival again, and when I get back this time, I must sell the show. The response I have had as a performer has always been positive - although I fear it greatly! Watch this space...

Life is Good! I have purpose and I have (most importantly) Shaun....

Beautiful Memories (at the WTS)

I have been Musical Director at the Waterfront Theatre School (College) for the last 6 years...well, this is year 6. This is my final year at the college. As this year, and this part of my journey draws to a close, I find myself reminiscing quite a bit.

I remember my interview for this job. I was SO SCARED! The only full-time job I had had before was teaching Class Music at Primary Schools, and I had spent the two years prior to my interview touring with a stage production. There were 4 people at my interview: Keith Galloway, Delia Sainsbury, Paul Griffiths and my predecessor. The interview went well. I relaxed and became 'myself' shortly after I sat down. We then started discussing courses, and I had a HUGE disagreement with my predecessor and insulted him GREATLY. I was convinced that they would not be interested in me. I was wrong!

Keith Galloway... Now here was a man who did not understand me! He came to me a few times while I was there. His question was always the same: How do you get all that sound out of them when they're just lying around on the floor? I tried to explain to him that my approach was completely different from any he had seen. He looked at me apprehensively. It was at the end of my first year that he stopped questioning me. We were preparing for a production of A Nose of Nonsense. I was appointed Musical Director. The first piece I taught the chorus was The Owl and the Pussycat. He came to my office to listen to what I had done with the piece. I had created an old-fashioned contrapuntal arrangement of the beautiful melody line he had provided. Mr G was SPEECHLESS! He trusted me thereafter. I saw him speechless once more: when he heard the arrangement I did with the girls of Everything's Coming Up Roses. It was good working with him.

Other memorable moments were with my students: Natisha van Zyl winning the singing prize, Tarryn Lamb crying for 3 days after a lesson with me, the first time Shona Brabant hugged me, Nicci Horak sitting on my lap, crying my heart out because Robyn Maree went missing, Cindy-Ann Abrahams gate-ing Jarryd for GHDing his hair, Shelani van Niekerk's embrace the day I got back from my heart surgery, Emma Hayden reading EVERY SINGLE POST in this blog for inspiration, Chloe Kiley trying her best to convince me that tattoos aren't painful, crying with Corni van den Bergh week after week while singing our song, Shaun Klaasen sitting with me the day that Mr Kleinhans died, Sven-Eric Muller bringing me coffee randomly just because, crying with Chloe's class (in their third year) on the morning of their lunchtime concert, The Beauty of the Human Voice!!!

The original Beauty of the Human Voice was probably the most special. The college was not too keen on having a choir concert. I was told that if I wanted it, I would have to do it myself. I didn't do it myself. The cast of the first concert were a ROCK! They were behind me 100%, and we had 3 rehearsals every week for months at 7am in the morning. These were such special times. Blankets, coffee, hangovers (the students, not me), fights, laughter, LOVE!!!

There are so many memories, too many to mention! My time at the college ends soon. It is sad... But the love and support of my students will go with me.

Nicci Horak, at the final performance of The Beauty of the Human Voice, said that my office was a sanctuary for the students. Thank you! I was so happy to hear that. Many students would spend days in my office. Everybody was welcome, and IS welcome. Students have their individual lessons with an audience - sometimes an audience of professional singers. This is how we learn: TOGETHER! If you learn NOTHING MORE from me than this, please learn (my students) that your hearts must be open to EVERYBODY!!! We have something to learn from EVERYBODY! My greatest hope is that one day people will say that my legacy was love! Students tell me that they love me everyday! I don't ever say it back, but I believe that they know! I LOVE MY STUDENTS! I am proud of you all!!!!

I don't really know what the intention was with this blog, but it feels like I've said enough! 

Happy Insomnia???

It is 00:23 in South Africa on Sunday the 5th August. I cannot sleep! Now usually when I cannot sleep I am frustrated and angry because I am tired. This morning it is quite a pleasant experience. I cannot sleep because I am NOT tired. I actually rested this week. Rest: such a strange feeling! I had to first be "oopgevlek soos 'n snoek" (my GP's words after seeing the wound from the surgery) before I took any rest, but I rested. This morning (actually, yesterday morning) I slept till after 10!!!! I have not done that in years. Shaun got up to start the Saturday morning ritual of cleaning our flat, and I stayed in bed for another 3 hours!

For those who read my previous blog: an update. Public hospitals don't really bother with care after an operation hey. I discovered (the morning after my op) that the wound was just left open. No stitching, nothing. On opening my hospital bag, I found that one of the nurses put a big pad thing in my bag. One big pad thing to dress the wound with. They told me to wash 3 times a day with salt water. That was it...

First day at home (Tuesday) I did as they said, and dressed it with this big pad thing that I cut up. I was NOT HAPPY! I made an appointment with my amazing GP for Wednesday afternoon. I was worried about caring for this gaping hole, infection, going to the loo!!!! He settled me. Had a look, dressed the thing properly, showed Shaun how to do the dressing, and sent me to Wynberg Pharmacy to go and buy dressing to aid in the healing. Mense! Dressing, ointment and a foam ring to sit on do NOT come cheap! I maar swiped my credit card and closed my eyes!

I have had to accept the fact that I am a DIFFICULT PATIENT! My Mom, Dad and brothers keep reminding me how lucky I am to have Shaun. I AM! He has the patience of a loving mother. I bitch, moan, cry, worry, stress, am irrational.... This week's experience has made me terribly vulnerable and scared. When I tell him this, his response to me is: Come and be scared with me. This is usually accompanied by outstretched arms with the promise of a warm embrace...

What have I learned from this experience? There is no reason to hide! I have been walking around for months with this BIG secret! When I went to hospital, only my immediate family, 2 friends, my boss, Shaun and his mom knew what I was going in for. It was horrible having all these people wish me well for an op I would not speak about. I really feel liberated. It is true, the truth shall set you free!


Fluit, fluit my storie is uit, en hopelik slaap ek nou!!!

Surgery

Lucy Woolley (one of my students at the Waterfront Theatre School) once told me she loved my blog because I wrote things that people thought about, but would never really say publicly. That comment has inspired today's blog. I had surgery yesterday, on something that I thought made me a freak! This is just in case any of you feel there's something wrong with you too...

I had an abscess close to my anus: called a peri-anal abscess. Went to see my doctor despite the embarrassment. He put me on a short course of antibiotics that did NOTHING!!! Found a different doctor (a very dear friend of mine) to have a look too. This was even more embarrassing: having a friend look at my bum! He spoke to me about it. Told me that it was not the sort of thing one left alone, and gave me a letter to take to hospital to get it sorted out. He also told me these things were very common. WTF!!!! So how come nobody ever speaks about them? Here I was feeling like I had this dirty sickness?!?!? It was GOOD to feel normal again.

With me, however, there was one complication. Crohn's disease runs in my family, and I have a very close relative whose initial symptom was a peri-anal abscess. The only way to check for Crohn's was the surgery...

So I left my doctor armed with a letter to sort my bum out! Next question was: where do I take this letter. NO MEDICAL AID! So I went to Groote Schuur. After one appointment the doctor scheduled me for surgery. F#@*!!!!! I had to wait a month - it is a public hospital.....

On Sunday afternoon I had to check into hospital. Shaun took me. By the time we got there, I felt sick. I hadn't felt sick at all, but just knowing I had to go made me feel ILL! We had 2 hours together before he had to leave. Those weren't great hey. I was moody, worried, tired and just moerig! Shaun was his usual cheerful self despite me.

Sunday night was horrible. There was so much noise in the ward, the light was on all night, and I was next to a man who couldn't leave his bed, so he slept with a bedpan...which he used...often... I ate my last meal at 19h30.

Monday morning: they woke me up at 4am! Had a shower, an enema(!), and waited. By the time I was wheeled away to surgery (around 2pm) I was STARVING, scared, alone (they took my cellphone away at 8am), had a headache and NEEDY! I also knew that Shaun was WORRYING, since he had no idea what was happening with me.

I was wheeled out of surgery at around 15h30. I woke up as they took that thing out of my throat, still INSIDE the operating theatre. First thing I noticed was that my throat was in agony! Second: my BUM was in more agony!!! I started chatting straight away: telling the anaesthetist I was sore. She seemed surprised?!?!? She told me to just wait a minute or two until the morphine kicked in. I kept on talking, getting everyone's names and asking them questions while in the recovery room. The porter told me (on my way back to the ward) that she wished I had been her first patient for the day. That way she would have smiled all day long. As we entered the ward I was greeted with a warm smile from Shaun, and a very scared (but brave) smile from Robyn. I knew then that everything was okay. Robyn: "Yor, jy praat nogal baie vir een wat nou net 'n operasie gehad het!"

When I got to the ward I was HUNGRY! Doctor said I could eat. The nurses warned me not to, but I insisted Doctor said I could eat! Doctor was wrong. I could keep NOTHING down. The doctor asked me whether I wanted to stay for another night or go home. After the noise, smells and light of the first night I opted for home. I was brave, I was going to WALK to the car. LOL!!!!!! I barely made it outside the ward when I had to grab a chair and sit and wait for a wheelchair! I felt HORRIBLE! Shaun had to fetch the car, so Robyn dealt with my horribleness. She was VERY WORRIED.

Got home, mom and dad came to visit and I ate again. Needless to say, the nurses were STILL right! I managed (just before bed) to keep down a piece of toast just so I could take meds. I LOVE MY PARENTS!

I woke up this morning still feeling nauseous! But not like yesterday. I can keep things inside now! My headache is still not gone, and I am exhausted. Doctor told me that I was not to go to work this week. Shaun is enforcing this!

The reason for this blog? I don't know why I convinced myself that this was an embarrassing medical condition. I NEED to share this. If anyone else has one, get it sorted, and talk about it. It's horrible to think you are alone.

Just one little fear: Crohn's disease! I'll know in 3 weeks time...