Lucy Woolley (one of my students at the Waterfront Theatre School) once told me she loved my blog because I wrote things that people thought about, but would never really say publicly. That comment has inspired today's blog. I had surgery yesterday, on something that I thought made me a freak! This is just in case any of you feel there's something wrong with you too...
I had an abscess close to my anus: called a peri-anal abscess. Went to see my doctor despite the embarrassment. He put me on a short course of antibiotics that did NOTHING!!! Found a different doctor (a very dear friend of mine) to have a look too. This was even more embarrassing: having a friend look at my bum! He spoke to me about it. Told me that it was not the sort of thing one left alone, and gave me a letter to take to hospital to get it sorted out. He also told me these things were very common. WTF!!!! So how come nobody ever speaks about them? Here I was feeling like I had this dirty sickness?!?!? It was GOOD to feel normal again.
With me, however, there was one complication. Crohn's disease runs in my family, and I have a very close relative whose initial symptom was a peri-anal abscess. The only way to check for Crohn's was the surgery...
So I left my doctor armed with a letter to sort my bum out! Next question was: where do I take this letter. NO MEDICAL AID! So I went to Groote Schuur. After one appointment the doctor scheduled me for surgery. F#@*!!!!! I had to wait a month - it is a public hospital.....
On Sunday afternoon I had to check into hospital. Shaun took me. By the time we got there, I felt sick. I hadn't felt sick at all, but just knowing I had to go made me feel ILL! We had 2 hours together before he had to leave. Those weren't great hey. I was moody, worried, tired and just moerig! Shaun was his usual cheerful self despite me.
Sunday night was horrible. There was so much noise in the ward, the light was on all night, and I was next to a man who couldn't leave his bed, so he slept with a bedpan...which he used...often... I ate my last meal at 19h30.
Monday morning: they woke me up at 4am! Had a shower, an enema(!), and waited. By the time I was wheeled away to surgery (around 2pm) I was STARVING, scared, alone (they took my cellphone away at 8am), had a headache and NEEDY! I also knew that Shaun was WORRYING, since he had no idea what was happening with me.
I was wheeled out of surgery at around 15h30. I woke up as they took that thing out of my throat, still INSIDE the operating theatre. First thing I noticed was that my throat was in agony! Second: my BUM was in more agony!!! I started chatting straight away: telling the anaesthetist I was sore. She seemed surprised?!?!? She told me to just wait a minute or two until the morphine kicked in. I kept on talking, getting everyone's names and asking them questions while in the recovery room. The porter told me (on my way back to the ward) that she wished I had been her first patient for the day. That way she would have smiled all day long. As we entered the ward I was greeted with a warm smile from Shaun, and a very scared (but brave) smile from Robyn. I knew then that everything was okay. Robyn: "Yor, jy praat nogal baie vir een wat nou net 'n operasie gehad het!"
When I got to the ward I was HUNGRY! Doctor said I could eat. The nurses warned me not to, but I insisted Doctor said I could eat! Doctor was wrong. I could keep NOTHING down. The doctor asked me whether I wanted to stay for another night or go home. After the noise, smells and light of the first night I opted for home. I was brave, I was going to WALK to the car. LOL!!!!!! I barely made it outside the ward when I had to grab a chair and sit and wait for a wheelchair! I felt HORRIBLE! Shaun had to fetch the car, so Robyn dealt with my horribleness. She was VERY WORRIED.
Got home, mom and dad came to visit and I ate again. Needless to say, the nurses were STILL right! I managed (just before bed) to keep down a piece of toast just so I could take meds. I LOVE MY PARENTS!
I woke up this morning still feeling nauseous! But not like yesterday. I can keep things inside now! My headache is still not gone, and I am exhausted. Doctor told me that I was not to go to work this week. Shaun is enforcing this!
The reason for this blog? I don't know why I convinced myself that this was an embarrassing medical condition. I NEED to share this. If anyone else has one, get it sorted, and talk about it. It's horrible to think you are alone.
Just one little fear: Crohn's disease! I'll know in 3 weeks time...
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Friday, June 1, 2012
Affirmation
It's funny how I manage to fool people into believing that I am confident...
Maybe I'm just being silly, or maybe my definition of confidence is inaccurate. I don't think that I started out as the scared person I have become. My brothers and cousins remember me (at the age of 2) wearing my mom's skirt, high heels, and (for some odd reason) my dad's handkerchief. When we lived in Grahamstown (age 3 - 6) I was a popular little boy. I had a girlfriend (I think I was the first of my brothers to have one) named Inga. The day we left Grahamstown she told my mom: Auntie Rigia, I really really love your son. Inga was 5 at the time. We cut off some of our hair to give to each other. She gave me part of her fringe, and I cut a huge hole right in the front of my head. My big brother says that when I was little I looked under ladies' dresses unashamedly. Little did they know I just wanted to see what was different. I spoke to strangers, and had (by age 4) 2 good friends who were in their 20's. They were studying with my dad at the time: Austin and Floris.
I had to (some time ago) figure out for myself when I lost all of that. I think it was when Nathan (my baby brother) was born. I love you Nathan, so don't think for ONE SECOND that I blame you! The evidence of this change lies in how my body changed from age 5 (when he was born) to 7. I cannot believe how skinny I was at Pre-Primary! I was bigger than the other kids, but skinny! The Sub A photos show the fat cheeks for the first time. Sub B photos show the almost obese kid and teenager I was! I do not want to explore WHY Nathan's arrival changed my personality so much publicly...
I went through school being the big, fat, useless at sports kid who was bullied by EVERYBODY! When I was in Standard 5, a boy from our neighbouring school got a Sub A child to kick me in the shins (they were both blue for what seemed like weeks) while he watched. I was MUCH bigger than them both, but was too scared to do anything but run away! My relief from the bullying came when I realised that the kids who "came first in class" were popular, so I decided to just "come first in class". This stopped the bullying only from the kids at my school. The ones from the other school and the grown ups continued their bullying throughout my teenage years.
I thus entered the adult world of University being as scared as a deer in headlights!!! Some of the lecturers were bullies, but the students embraced me. They made me believe I was worthwhile. However, the lecturers with the huge chips on their shoulders caused so much damage that I left UCT believing I could not play the piano or sing! There were some really AMAZING lecturers there too, who tried to make me believe in myself, but we tend to believe the negative feedback we get more easily than the positive.
I entered the work force as a Primary School Teacher. From the moment I started teaching until today, I have gotten nothing but praise and thanks. As a church organist, primary school teacher, singing teacher, Musical Theatre lecturer, choirmaster, Musical Director...... There has never EVER been complaints about my work or my work ethic. My methods are very controversial, and there has been much discussion regarding them, but all my bosses have trusted that I know what I am doing, and have left me to my own devices KNOWING they will see results.
To those of you who know me personally, you KNOW that I have had a really difficult time recently professionally!!! This morning, the international Drama and Musical Theatre examiner (who examined our mid year examination entries) stopped me in the parking lot at College. He told me that I was an amazing pianist. He said that I was world class quality, and that the students were privileged to have me accompany them. He figured I needed to perform as a pianist, so that people could hear my beautiful playing. Furthermore, he said that if he had my talent.....
We then chatted about my role at the college. I told him that I teach singing. This examiner last examined at the college 5 years ago, when I had only been there for a little over 4 months. He said that he couldn't believe how much higher the standard was, and said that he believed it was largely due to my contribution at college!
I have really had a difficult time recently, and despite encouragement from friends and family, I have not been able to get myself out of the deep pit I had found myself in emotionally. Today, a stranger affirmed me. He had no reason to lie to me, is completely unbiased and spoke from his heart. I believe him!
I learnt something today. I am not really good at telling people they did well. I don't know why I find it so difficult to say those words. But starting now (actually, I started right then) I will tell people when I believe that they are doing good work! 10 minutes in a car park with a British man has made me a new person!!!! I will do what I was taught today for the rest of my life! I will not cheapen it by saying someone did well when they didn't - that is NOT in my nature. But, darnit, from now on when someone does good work I WILL TELL THEM SO!!! I feel good!
Maybe I'm just being silly, or maybe my definition of confidence is inaccurate. I don't think that I started out as the scared person I have become. My brothers and cousins remember me (at the age of 2) wearing my mom's skirt, high heels, and (for some odd reason) my dad's handkerchief. When we lived in Grahamstown (age 3 - 6) I was a popular little boy. I had a girlfriend (I think I was the first of my brothers to have one) named Inga. The day we left Grahamstown she told my mom: Auntie Rigia, I really really love your son. Inga was 5 at the time. We cut off some of our hair to give to each other. She gave me part of her fringe, and I cut a huge hole right in the front of my head. My big brother says that when I was little I looked under ladies' dresses unashamedly. Little did they know I just wanted to see what was different. I spoke to strangers, and had (by age 4) 2 good friends who were in their 20's. They were studying with my dad at the time: Austin and Floris.
I had to (some time ago) figure out for myself when I lost all of that. I think it was when Nathan (my baby brother) was born. I love you Nathan, so don't think for ONE SECOND that I blame you! The evidence of this change lies in how my body changed from age 5 (when he was born) to 7. I cannot believe how skinny I was at Pre-Primary! I was bigger than the other kids, but skinny! The Sub A photos show the fat cheeks for the first time. Sub B photos show the almost obese kid and teenager I was! I do not want to explore WHY Nathan's arrival changed my personality so much publicly...
I went through school being the big, fat, useless at sports kid who was bullied by EVERYBODY! When I was in Standard 5, a boy from our neighbouring school got a Sub A child to kick me in the shins (they were both blue for what seemed like weeks) while he watched. I was MUCH bigger than them both, but was too scared to do anything but run away! My relief from the bullying came when I realised that the kids who "came first in class" were popular, so I decided to just "come first in class". This stopped the bullying only from the kids at my school. The ones from the other school and the grown ups continued their bullying throughout my teenage years.
I thus entered the adult world of University being as scared as a deer in headlights!!! Some of the lecturers were bullies, but the students embraced me. They made me believe I was worthwhile. However, the lecturers with the huge chips on their shoulders caused so much damage that I left UCT believing I could not play the piano or sing! There were some really AMAZING lecturers there too, who tried to make me believe in myself, but we tend to believe the negative feedback we get more easily than the positive.
I entered the work force as a Primary School Teacher. From the moment I started teaching until today, I have gotten nothing but praise and thanks. As a church organist, primary school teacher, singing teacher, Musical Theatre lecturer, choirmaster, Musical Director...... There has never EVER been complaints about my work or my work ethic. My methods are very controversial, and there has been much discussion regarding them, but all my bosses have trusted that I know what I am doing, and have left me to my own devices KNOWING they will see results.
To those of you who know me personally, you KNOW that I have had a really difficult time recently professionally!!! This morning, the international Drama and Musical Theatre examiner (who examined our mid year examination entries) stopped me in the parking lot at College. He told me that I was an amazing pianist. He said that I was world class quality, and that the students were privileged to have me accompany them. He figured I needed to perform as a pianist, so that people could hear my beautiful playing. Furthermore, he said that if he had my talent.....
We then chatted about my role at the college. I told him that I teach singing. This examiner last examined at the college 5 years ago, when I had only been there for a little over 4 months. He said that he couldn't believe how much higher the standard was, and said that he believed it was largely due to my contribution at college!
I have really had a difficult time recently, and despite encouragement from friends and family, I have not been able to get myself out of the deep pit I had found myself in emotionally. Today, a stranger affirmed me. He had no reason to lie to me, is completely unbiased and spoke from his heart. I believe him!
I learnt something today. I am not really good at telling people they did well. I don't know why I find it so difficult to say those words. But starting now (actually, I started right then) I will tell people when I believe that they are doing good work! 10 minutes in a car park with a British man has made me a new person!!!! I will do what I was taught today for the rest of my life! I will not cheapen it by saying someone did well when they didn't - that is NOT in my nature. But, darnit, from now on when someone does good work I WILL TELL THEM SO!!! I feel good!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
My Birthday
It was my birthday 3 days ago: I turned 34 on March the 8th. I was so depressed one week before my birthday - I missed Shaun! I had not seen him in two weeks... People usually laugh when I tell them that I am depressed because I miss Shaun. They don't get that I want to see him everyday... Anyway, I was depressed because I was missing him and I knew I wouldn't see him on my birthday. I don't think I have ever been depressed before this. Had no idea how horrible it felt to feel hopeless, sad, tired, lusteloos before. So on the 1st of March, Shaun told me he was coming to town for my birthday. He said he'd arrive on the last flight of the day on 8th March, we would have the last few hours together, and that he'd only go back home on Sunday night (today). He was going to surprise me, but because of my unhappiness he could not keep his secret anymore. My depression lifted later that night.....
As the week progressed, I got the idea that there was more to the surprise than what Shaun had told me. I did not pry at all, but kept my ears to the ground....
My birthday this year was the best I have ever had - all because of Shaun. When I arrived in my office at around 08h30 on Thursday morning, the floor was littered with white and pink balloons, there was a BEAUTIFUL bunch of giant roses (Shaun asked what my favourite flowers were), and a simple birthday card. I put down all my stuff, opened the card, read it, and called Shaun. He told me he was at work (in the Eastern Cape). Two minutes later, my office door opened and music started playing in the passage: Barbra Streisand's I've Dreamed of You. Now by this time I had figured out that Shaun was in Cape Town. However, when I arrived in my office and he wasn't there, I feared that I was sadly mistaken. Was disappointed, till I heard the song. I knew Shaun was in the passage, but stayed on the couch. After a few moments of Barbra's flawless voice, he walked into my office: How must I surprise you if you don't come out? I got up and wept in his embrace. I knew then that my day would be perfect. I was complete, and nothing that ANYBODY did thereafter could make it better than that very moment....
That was just the start. He spent the day with me in my office. That night we went home to shower before going out. I fished and figured we were going to Grand West Casino, but could not figure out what for. We dressed up and drove there. As I walked in, three very special ladies: Robyn Maree, Chloe Kiley and Rosanna Minchella greeted us at the door. I still had no clue, then one of them dropped the word Karaoke. I LOVE Karaoke. I figured that Shaun's plan was to take me out to ENJOY singing again for a change. I sing everyday, but it's not fun. I thought: Shaun really GETS me! We walked to the Karaoke bar, me in Heaven, again thinking this is as good as it gets. I was wrong. When I walked in, I saw some more guests he had invited: my mom, dad, brothers, sister-in-law and my eldest brother's girlfriend. (In my past life, birthdays were spent with either my ex or my family, they did NOT get along, and I was forced to choose.) My dad and brothers love Karaoke as much as I do. We used to go to the Lady Hamilton hotel together often to sing. It was like old times. A truly AMAZING day! And (by the way) I KICKED ASS at that Karaoke......
It was by far the best day I have ever had.....
Shaun was not finished though! He accompanied me to work on Friday again. That night we went home and dressed up again. He had bought (very expensive) tickets to go and see Fidelio. Fidelio (for those of you who do not know) is the only opera that the great Beethoven composed. The title role was sung by one of my friends from UCT Opera School, and the comic(ish) character by another one - we all had the same singing teacher. I have not been to see an opera in years: too expensive! Right now, I cannot afford it, and when I had the means, other things were always seen as more important. I LOVE OPERA!!!!!!!!!! I sat there (in the cold Cape Town wind) mesmerised. It was such an emotional journey. I rose and fell with the orchestra, cried with the singers, felt the pain and anguish in Beethoven's great composition. I'm getting emotional now just remembering it. GOOSEBUMPS!!!!
I often say that I hate surprises. It's not the truth. I have always LOVED surprises. You know what, after years of NOBODY bothering to make the effort to surprise you, you learn to fear them. I was disappointed birthday after birthday, Christmas after Christmas, over and over again. The worst was that I had made such an effort for my nearest and dearest, but it was never returned. My last surprise was when I turned 21, by my church choir at the time....
Shaun went back home today. I will miss him.
If you have never heard me say this, pay attention. I am in love with the most generous, caring, exciting, child-like, mature, crazy, sweet, smart, sexy, goofy, loving, full of bull... AMAZING man in the world. I have every intention of spending my life with him....
Thank you Shaun, you've made me believe again....
As the week progressed, I got the idea that there was more to the surprise than what Shaun had told me. I did not pry at all, but kept my ears to the ground....
My birthday this year was the best I have ever had - all because of Shaun. When I arrived in my office at around 08h30 on Thursday morning, the floor was littered with white and pink balloons, there was a BEAUTIFUL bunch of giant roses (Shaun asked what my favourite flowers were), and a simple birthday card. I put down all my stuff, opened the card, read it, and called Shaun. He told me he was at work (in the Eastern Cape). Two minutes later, my office door opened and music started playing in the passage: Barbra Streisand's I've Dreamed of You. Now by this time I had figured out that Shaun was in Cape Town. However, when I arrived in my office and he wasn't there, I feared that I was sadly mistaken. Was disappointed, till I heard the song. I knew Shaun was in the passage, but stayed on the couch. After a few moments of Barbra's flawless voice, he walked into my office: How must I surprise you if you don't come out? I got up and wept in his embrace. I knew then that my day would be perfect. I was complete, and nothing that ANYBODY did thereafter could make it better than that very moment....
That was just the start. He spent the day with me in my office. That night we went home to shower before going out. I fished and figured we were going to Grand West Casino, but could not figure out what for. We dressed up and drove there. As I walked in, three very special ladies: Robyn Maree, Chloe Kiley and Rosanna Minchella greeted us at the door. I still had no clue, then one of them dropped the word Karaoke. I LOVE Karaoke. I figured that Shaun's plan was to take me out to ENJOY singing again for a change. I sing everyday, but it's not fun. I thought: Shaun really GETS me! We walked to the Karaoke bar, me in Heaven, again thinking this is as good as it gets. I was wrong. When I walked in, I saw some more guests he had invited: my mom, dad, brothers, sister-in-law and my eldest brother's girlfriend. (In my past life, birthdays were spent with either my ex or my family, they did NOT get along, and I was forced to choose.) My dad and brothers love Karaoke as much as I do. We used to go to the Lady Hamilton hotel together often to sing. It was like old times. A truly AMAZING day! And (by the way) I KICKED ASS at that Karaoke......
It was by far the best day I have ever had.....
Shaun was not finished though! He accompanied me to work on Friday again. That night we went home and dressed up again. He had bought (very expensive) tickets to go and see Fidelio. Fidelio (for those of you who do not know) is the only opera that the great Beethoven composed. The title role was sung by one of my friends from UCT Opera School, and the comic(ish) character by another one - we all had the same singing teacher. I have not been to see an opera in years: too expensive! Right now, I cannot afford it, and when I had the means, other things were always seen as more important. I LOVE OPERA!!!!!!!!!! I sat there (in the cold Cape Town wind) mesmerised. It was such an emotional journey. I rose and fell with the orchestra, cried with the singers, felt the pain and anguish in Beethoven's great composition. I'm getting emotional now just remembering it. GOOSEBUMPS!!!!
I often say that I hate surprises. It's not the truth. I have always LOVED surprises. You know what, after years of NOBODY bothering to make the effort to surprise you, you learn to fear them. I was disappointed birthday after birthday, Christmas after Christmas, over and over again. The worst was that I had made such an effort for my nearest and dearest, but it was never returned. My last surprise was when I turned 21, by my church choir at the time....
Shaun went back home today. I will miss him.
If you have never heard me say this, pay attention. I am in love with the most generous, caring, exciting, child-like, mature, crazy, sweet, smart, sexy, goofy, loving, full of bull... AMAZING man in the world. I have every intention of spending my life with him....
Thank you Shaun, you've made me believe again....
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Believe (thanks Bernice)
It's been a long time. Too long! I have tried to blog before today, but it's been difficult. Whenever I started, I found myself going back to the past - a horrible past! I think I kept going there because this blog, and those who read it, played a major role in my healing. Still in the healing process, but I AM getting there.
I have been wearing a wedding band since my 20th year - the first gift my ex bought me. It was gold. I chose it, so I loved it. In my 27th year I bought a 2nd wedding band for myself - because I loved it. This one was gold and titanium. I took the gold one off my wedding finger and placed the titanium one on it: a sign of my longing for independance! Wore the original on my right hand. On the day that I moved out, I took the gold one off and never wore it again. Gave it to my dad to keep until I knew what I wanted to do with it. Dad still has it.
My story starts the day after I moved out of my previous life. It was a Sunday, and Mark (my big brother) and I went to visit our cousin Bernice Swartland in Worcester. I needed something to take my mind off things! We slept over at her home with her family. It was good visiting there.
Two months after that, Shaun and I went to visit Bernice. I wanted to introduce him to somebody in my family: somebody who actually wanted to meet him. Bernice, her husband Michael and their son Mitch welcomed us into their home with open arms. It was at breakfast that morning that Bernice gave me a brand new Silver wedding band with something engraved on it. The ring said BELIEVE.... I added the new band to the titanium one on my wedding finger: a perfect fit. I have since given my titanium ring to Shaun. He wears it on a chain around his neck with two other pendants. One with my name, the other his. The ring hangs between the pendants: a symbol of my devotion to him, and my intention to marry him!
I have not removed the ring Bernice gave me since the day I received it. Later that day, when I doubted my ability to get through the difficulties that the changes in my life had brought about, Shaun pointed to the engraved ring. He said: believe. I cried!
My ring has been my saviour so many times.....
You may ask what I believe. Many things. At the moment Shaun is away. He is working in the Eastern Cape till the end of June. It is difficult. I am finally in love: for the first time in my life. I want to be with Shaun. He wants to be with me. We are both very emotional beings, and we NEED each other. I believe that there is something to be learned from being apart. For Shaun: independance. As much as we love each other, and pine for each other, we are seperate beings - beautiful in our individuality, whole - who want to be together. For me: the importance of a real relationship. I have never missed anybody before. I have never been sad before. I have never felt lonely before. I LOVE Shaun! I NEED Shaun! I can be a good and faithful husband to Shaun...
The college's graduation ceremony happens soon. I'm spreading this message: I arranged a Believe Medley for the College Chorus to sing for the graduates. I hope they listen!
One more thing: when you lose faith, my ring is available to anyone who needs it. Have a look. Thank you Bernice....
I have been wearing a wedding band since my 20th year - the first gift my ex bought me. It was gold. I chose it, so I loved it. In my 27th year I bought a 2nd wedding band for myself - because I loved it. This one was gold and titanium. I took the gold one off my wedding finger and placed the titanium one on it: a sign of my longing for independance! Wore the original on my right hand. On the day that I moved out, I took the gold one off and never wore it again. Gave it to my dad to keep until I knew what I wanted to do with it. Dad still has it.
My story starts the day after I moved out of my previous life. It was a Sunday, and Mark (my big brother) and I went to visit our cousin Bernice Swartland in Worcester. I needed something to take my mind off things! We slept over at her home with her family. It was good visiting there.
Two months after that, Shaun and I went to visit Bernice. I wanted to introduce him to somebody in my family: somebody who actually wanted to meet him. Bernice, her husband Michael and their son Mitch welcomed us into their home with open arms. It was at breakfast that morning that Bernice gave me a brand new Silver wedding band with something engraved on it. The ring said BELIEVE.... I added the new band to the titanium one on my wedding finger: a perfect fit. I have since given my titanium ring to Shaun. He wears it on a chain around his neck with two other pendants. One with my name, the other his. The ring hangs between the pendants: a symbol of my devotion to him, and my intention to marry him!
I have not removed the ring Bernice gave me since the day I received it. Later that day, when I doubted my ability to get through the difficulties that the changes in my life had brought about, Shaun pointed to the engraved ring. He said: believe. I cried!
My ring has been my saviour so many times.....
You may ask what I believe. Many things. At the moment Shaun is away. He is working in the Eastern Cape till the end of June. It is difficult. I am finally in love: for the first time in my life. I want to be with Shaun. He wants to be with me. We are both very emotional beings, and we NEED each other. I believe that there is something to be learned from being apart. For Shaun: independance. As much as we love each other, and pine for each other, we are seperate beings - beautiful in our individuality, whole - who want to be together. For me: the importance of a real relationship. I have never missed anybody before. I have never been sad before. I have never felt lonely before. I LOVE Shaun! I NEED Shaun! I can be a good and faithful husband to Shaun...
...I am certain you're the last man in my life... Andrew Lloyd Weber
The college's graduation ceremony happens soon. I'm spreading this message: I arranged a Believe Medley for the College Chorus to sing for the graduates. I hope they listen!
One more thing: when you lose faith, my ring is available to anyone who needs it. Have a look. Thank you Bernice....
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Lester
There have been a few things I have wanted to chat about over the last few weeks. Right now I cannot remember all of them, but one of them has stuck in my head....
My mom was horribly sick a week or three ago. I took her to see my doctor. He was AMAZING by the way. I still need to thank him for everything he did for her. That's not what this blog is about though. While we were there, he asked her all sorts of medical questions which she answered truthfully, and some personal ones: he asked my mom how many children she has.
I grew up in a house with 4 siblings, all brothers. My mother had 5 sons: Mark, George, Lester, Jeremy and Nathan. All English names although we are an Afrikaans family. Mark was the sportsman, George the bookworm, Lester was the really nice guy, I was the musician and Nathan was the angelic youngest son. A mixed bunch with nothing in common, except a very strong blood bond and lots of love. We grew up. Mark, George, Lester and Nathan got married and had kids. Mark had a son and a daughter, George had 2 sons and a daughter, Lester had a son and a daughter and Nathan a daughter.
Lester and his family were in a car accident 5 years ago. They were on their way home from Cape Town (they lived in Johannesburg), Lester was driving, the car rolled a few times. Megan (his wife) and Tristan (his 1 year old son) weren't hurt at all. Shay (his 3 year old daughter) was hurt in the accident but has since fully recovered. My 31 year old brother did not survive the accident.
The recovery process is difficult. I don't think any of us will ever be the same again.
When Doctor De Klerk asked my mom how many sons she has, she said proudly (without hesitation) that she has 5 sons. My heart skipped a beat. I was so close to tears at that moment. I have never spoken to my parents about Lester's passing. It's too painful to see their grief. I have managed to suppress my own grief for years. Well - until I met another young lady who lost her sister in the same way. She's one of my students, and we have (unintentionally) shared many quiet tears. Thank you!
Back to my mom. She said she has 5 sons. My initial reaction was: has she not come to terms with this? Isn't it time to let go? This reminds me of the song that my (previously mentioned) student and I sing together and cry about EVERY TIME:
If you haven't figured out what's happening in the song: 2 sisters are singing. One is dying. The other trying her best to say goodbye. The line that gets me every time is All my life I've lived for loving you; let me go now. But how do I let go? I have 4 brothers: Mark, George, Lester and Nathan. Lester's soul lives on somewhere. He's still my brother, not so? Is my mom right? Or does the song have the right message? I have certainly heard many arguments supporting the latter. My head also says it's time to let go. My heart is a different story though. I've only recently started grieving the loss of my brother. I need to hold on a little longer - and any of you who knew Lester will know that he would not mind...
My mom was horribly sick a week or three ago. I took her to see my doctor. He was AMAZING by the way. I still need to thank him for everything he did for her. That's not what this blog is about though. While we were there, he asked her all sorts of medical questions which she answered truthfully, and some personal ones: he asked my mom how many children she has.
I grew up in a house with 4 siblings, all brothers. My mother had 5 sons: Mark, George, Lester, Jeremy and Nathan. All English names although we are an Afrikaans family. Mark was the sportsman, George the bookworm, Lester was the really nice guy, I was the musician and Nathan was the angelic youngest son. A mixed bunch with nothing in common, except a very strong blood bond and lots of love. We grew up. Mark, George, Lester and Nathan got married and had kids. Mark had a son and a daughter, George had 2 sons and a daughter, Lester had a son and a daughter and Nathan a daughter.
Lester and his family were in a car accident 5 years ago. They were on their way home from Cape Town (they lived in Johannesburg), Lester was driving, the car rolled a few times. Megan (his wife) and Tristan (his 1 year old son) weren't hurt at all. Shay (his 3 year old daughter) was hurt in the accident but has since fully recovered. My 31 year old brother did not survive the accident.
The recovery process is difficult. I don't think any of us will ever be the same again.
When Doctor De Klerk asked my mom how many sons she has, she said proudly (without hesitation) that she has 5 sons. My heart skipped a beat. I was so close to tears at that moment. I have never spoken to my parents about Lester's passing. It's too painful to see their grief. I have managed to suppress my own grief for years. Well - until I met another young lady who lost her sister in the same way. She's one of my students, and we have (unintentionally) shared many quiet tears. Thank you!
Back to my mom. She said she has 5 sons. My initial reaction was: has she not come to terms with this? Isn't it time to let go? This reminds me of the song that my (previously mentioned) student and I sing together and cry about EVERY TIME:
If you haven't figured out what's happening in the song: 2 sisters are singing. One is dying. The other trying her best to say goodbye. The line that gets me every time is All my life I've lived for loving you; let me go now. But how do I let go? I have 4 brothers: Mark, George, Lester and Nathan. Lester's soul lives on somewhere. He's still my brother, not so? Is my mom right? Or does the song have the right message? I have certainly heard many arguments supporting the latter. My head also says it's time to let go. My heart is a different story though. I've only recently started grieving the loss of my brother. I need to hold on a little longer - and any of you who knew Lester will know that he would not mind...
Friday, September 16, 2011
TRUTH
So I am back. I have spent all this time contemplating what to do about my blog. Freedom of expression is way too important to me. So I am back.....
I have never really spoken plainly about my life here. Always assumed that everybody knew who and what I was. Just to fill you all in. At the age of 20 I entered a relationship with a man 15 years my senior. I stayed in this relationship for nearly 13 years. That is it as far as my old life goes. I cannot reveal too much about it, because it hurts the people who were part of my life. These people from my past are the reason I deleted this blog for a while. One more thing I will say about my old relationship: when I left he told me that the only way to be free and to grow is to tell the truth: the whole sordid truth. I did. Here. There were consequences.....
"...ek het rondgeloop..." This is a quote from one of my previous blogs. This is what he was speaking about when I left. He told me I had to tell my family about the fact that I was unfaithful. I told my mom, dad and siblings. It was not easy for Dad to hear. He told me that there are certain things you just don't do. Mom knew about it. She told me I did it. My brothers said nothing. So I mentioned it here......
Ai tog!!!!!!! I have cousins who read this blog. One of them told my aunts that this blog is a place where I reveal intimate details about my sexual life in order to attract men to have "good times" with. They also told them that I say horrible things about my ex! I have read and re-read all my posts. This analysis of my blog was based on the previous quote. The complete sentence was: "Ek was 'n naai, ek het rongeloop." So this one sentence where I reveal MY SINS has alienated my family from me. I deleted this blog after chatting to an aunt (who had never read it) and seeing how much pain it caused. She has since read the blog. My mom and dad went to visit her the other day. She told them that of their 5 sons, 2 of them are good men: my deceased brother, and the 2nd born. So I'm not a good man.....
After this judgement, I realised that they would never see anything other than what they want to see. My blog would make no difference to their opinions of me - whether it existed or not. So I have brought it all back.
I was told to tell the truth. I will! The truth about me!
I am Jeremy Quickfall. A 33 year old gay man who grew up in the Cape Flats in Cape Town. My dad Ernest is a priest. He's retired, but my daddy is a PRIEST! A MAN OF GOD. I love him and I am proud of him. My mom is a MOTHER! No fancy title. A MOTHER!!! She will do ANYTHING for ANY OF HER CHILDREN. And she has the 5 of us, but so many more. There are young and old men and women from my youth who still call MY MOMMY "MAMMA". I love my mother and I am proud of her. I have 4 brothers, one of them in Heaven. When I was kicked out of the only home I had known as an adult (you told me to tell the truth), my mommy, my daddy and my brothers took me in. Mark moved out of his bedroom in his house for me. He lived in the lounge for 3 months. I love my brothers, their wives/girlfriends and their children, and I am proud to call them my siblings.
I am Jeremy Quickfall, and I am in love with Shaun Klaasen. I have committed myself to him completely. He is my soulmate, my best friend...... My intention is to spend my life with him.
THIS IS THE TRUTH, and I was told that THE TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE
I have never really spoken plainly about my life here. Always assumed that everybody knew who and what I was. Just to fill you all in. At the age of 20 I entered a relationship with a man 15 years my senior. I stayed in this relationship for nearly 13 years. That is it as far as my old life goes. I cannot reveal too much about it, because it hurts the people who were part of my life. These people from my past are the reason I deleted this blog for a while. One more thing I will say about my old relationship: when I left he told me that the only way to be free and to grow is to tell the truth: the whole sordid truth. I did. Here. There were consequences.....
"...ek het rondgeloop..." This is a quote from one of my previous blogs. This is what he was speaking about when I left. He told me I had to tell my family about the fact that I was unfaithful. I told my mom, dad and siblings. It was not easy for Dad to hear. He told me that there are certain things you just don't do. Mom knew about it. She told me I did it. My brothers said nothing. So I mentioned it here......
Ai tog!!!!!!! I have cousins who read this blog. One of them told my aunts that this blog is a place where I reveal intimate details about my sexual life in order to attract men to have "good times" with. They also told them that I say horrible things about my ex! I have read and re-read all my posts. This analysis of my blog was based on the previous quote. The complete sentence was: "Ek was 'n naai, ek het rongeloop." So this one sentence where I reveal MY SINS has alienated my family from me. I deleted this blog after chatting to an aunt (who had never read it) and seeing how much pain it caused. She has since read the blog. My mom and dad went to visit her the other day. She told them that of their 5 sons, 2 of them are good men: my deceased brother, and the 2nd born. So I'm not a good man.....
After this judgement, I realised that they would never see anything other than what they want to see. My blog would make no difference to their opinions of me - whether it existed or not. So I have brought it all back.
I was told to tell the truth. I will! The truth about me!
I am Jeremy Quickfall. A 33 year old gay man who grew up in the Cape Flats in Cape Town. My dad Ernest is a priest. He's retired, but my daddy is a PRIEST! A MAN OF GOD. I love him and I am proud of him. My mom is a MOTHER! No fancy title. A MOTHER!!! She will do ANYTHING for ANY OF HER CHILDREN. And she has the 5 of us, but so many more. There are young and old men and women from my youth who still call MY MOMMY "MAMMA". I love my mother and I am proud of her. I have 4 brothers, one of them in Heaven. When I was kicked out of the only home I had known as an adult (you told me to tell the truth), my mommy, my daddy and my brothers took me in. Mark moved out of his bedroom in his house for me. He lived in the lounge for 3 months. I love my brothers, their wives/girlfriends and their children, and I am proud to call them my siblings.
I am Jeremy Quickfall, and I am in love with Shaun Klaasen. I have committed myself to him completely. He is my soulmate, my best friend...... My intention is to spend my life with him.
THIS IS THE TRUTH, and I was told that THE TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
God helps those who help themselves
So it's really been a long time hey! It's 01h13 in the morning. I should be sleeping, but every now and again I cannot - and counting sheep? Who came up with that rubbish anyway?
I stopped blogging for a while for a reason: I discovered that my blog caused distress to some folk. The reason for this blog was to share my experiences with others in the hope that it would be a little entertaining, and (dare I say) I hoped that my thoughts and experiences may help others. A very dear aunt told me that my blog really disturbed and upset her. When I asked her if she had read it, she said she had not, but that one of my cousins told her about the terribly intimate details I share of my (love/sex) life in this blog. I have read through every post, and I have not found what they may have been referring to. Any ideas???
After much thought, I have decided to continue blogging...
We're rehearsing for a production of the musical Hairspray at college right now. Early morning rehearsals (7am)! I have one in about 5 and a half hours! Silly sheep! I'm having difficulty keeping up hey. I don't know how my students do it. They start rehearsing with me at 7am tomorrow, have a full day of college and then rehearse till 10pm most nights. You MUST admire their commitment. I certainly do!
Some really good things are happening for me right now. I have started working on a TV show! Very exciting. Cannot reveal too much yet, since the show has not started airing yet, but had a GREAT rehearsal last night. VERY TALENTED PEOPLE I am working with. Once Hairspray has finished, I go into rehearsals for Forbidden Broadway (with 4 of my students in the cast!!!) while preparing for a big Xmasy thing in the Eastern Cape. Life is good!
Personally.... The last year has been difficult! VERY difficult. Leaving behind the only adult life you have known is not easy. My experiences have affirmed something I believe though: God helps those who help themselves. Although this phrase is not biblical, and there is no certainty regarding its origins, it works for me. When I moved out if the only home I had known for 12 years, I was so worried about my future: emotionally, FINANCIALLY.... Despite my paralysing fear, I (for once) did what was right for ME! I placed my trust in the universe and my family.
My family was AMAZING! On the day that I moved out, I called my big brother (I needed a place to stay). I told him what the situation was - he had had no prior warning - and asked for lodging. By the time I got to the house that he shares with my mom and dad, he had moved out of his room and into the lounge. His motivation: I needed my privacy! WOW! That's a special brother.
Right now, I am sitting on my bed, working on my brand new Sony laptop, shopping online for a new car, and searching for a property to purchase. At the beginning of 2011 I was a mess. I never thought I would get to THIS stage. But here I am! Best of all - the most amazing thing that has EVER happened to me....Shaun! My Shaun! He's away in the Eastern Cape right now, but I know where his heart is!
What have I learned? When we start doing things for ourselves - the right things DESPITE what everybody around us says - good things WILL happen. If you do not believe this, look at me!
I stopped blogging for a while for a reason: I discovered that my blog caused distress to some folk. The reason for this blog was to share my experiences with others in the hope that it would be a little entertaining, and (dare I say) I hoped that my thoughts and experiences may help others. A very dear aunt told me that my blog really disturbed and upset her. When I asked her if she had read it, she said she had not, but that one of my cousins told her about the terribly intimate details I share of my (love/sex) life in this blog. I have read through every post, and I have not found what they may have been referring to. Any ideas???
After much thought, I have decided to continue blogging...
We're rehearsing for a production of the musical Hairspray at college right now. Early morning rehearsals (7am)! I have one in about 5 and a half hours! Silly sheep! I'm having difficulty keeping up hey. I don't know how my students do it. They start rehearsing with me at 7am tomorrow, have a full day of college and then rehearse till 10pm most nights. You MUST admire their commitment. I certainly do!
Some really good things are happening for me right now. I have started working on a TV show! Very exciting. Cannot reveal too much yet, since the show has not started airing yet, but had a GREAT rehearsal last night. VERY TALENTED PEOPLE I am working with. Once Hairspray has finished, I go into rehearsals for Forbidden Broadway (with 4 of my students in the cast!!!) while preparing for a big Xmasy thing in the Eastern Cape. Life is good!
Personally.... The last year has been difficult! VERY difficult. Leaving behind the only adult life you have known is not easy. My experiences have affirmed something I believe though: God helps those who help themselves. Although this phrase is not biblical, and there is no certainty regarding its origins, it works for me. When I moved out if the only home I had known for 12 years, I was so worried about my future: emotionally, FINANCIALLY.... Despite my paralysing fear, I (for once) did what was right for ME! I placed my trust in the universe and my family.
My family was AMAZING! On the day that I moved out, I called my big brother (I needed a place to stay). I told him what the situation was - he had had no prior warning - and asked for lodging. By the time I got to the house that he shares with my mom and dad, he had moved out of his room and into the lounge. His motivation: I needed my privacy! WOW! That's a special brother.
Right now, I am sitting on my bed, working on my brand new Sony laptop, shopping online for a new car, and searching for a property to purchase. At the beginning of 2011 I was a mess. I never thought I would get to THIS stage. But here I am! Best of all - the most amazing thing that has EVER happened to me....Shaun! My Shaun! He's away in the Eastern Cape right now, but I know where his heart is!
What have I learned? When we start doing things for ourselves - the right things DESPITE what everybody around us says - good things WILL happen. If you do not believe this, look at me!
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