My Birthday

It was my birthday 3 days ago: I turned 34 on March the 8th. I was so depressed one week before my birthday - I missed Shaun! I had not seen him in two weeks... People usually laugh when I tell them that I am depressed because I miss Shaun. They don't get that I want to see him everyday... Anyway, I was depressed because I was missing him and I knew I wouldn't see him on my birthday. I don't think I have ever been depressed before this. Had no idea how horrible it felt to feel hopeless, sad, tired, lusteloos before. So on the 1st of March, Shaun told me he was coming to town for my birthday. He said he'd arrive on the last flight of the day on 8th March, we would have the last few hours together, and that he'd only go back home on Sunday night (today). He was going to surprise me, but because of my unhappiness he could not keep his secret anymore. My depression lifted later that night.....

As the week progressed, I got the idea that there was more to the surprise than what Shaun had told me. I did not pry at all, but kept my ears to the ground....

My birthday this year was the best I have ever had - all because of Shaun. When I arrived in my office at around 08h30 on Thursday morning, the floor was littered with white and pink balloons, there was a BEAUTIFUL bunch of giant roses (Shaun asked what my favourite flowers were), and a simple birthday card. I put down all my stuff, opened the card, read it, and called Shaun. He told me he was at work (in the Eastern Cape). Two minutes later, my office door opened and music started playing in the passage: Barbra Streisand's I've Dreamed of You. Now by this time I had figured out that Shaun was in Cape Town. However, when I arrived in my office and he wasn't there, I feared that I was sadly mistaken. Was disappointed, till I heard the song. I knew Shaun was in the passage, but stayed on the couch. After a few moments of Barbra's flawless voice, he walked into my office: How must I surprise you if you don't come out? I got up and wept in his embrace. I knew then that my day would be perfect. I was complete, and nothing that ANYBODY did thereafter could make it better than that very moment....

That was just the start. He spent the day with me in my office. That night we went home to shower before going out. I fished and figured we were going to Grand West Casino, but could not figure out what for. We dressed up and drove there. As I walked in, three very special ladies: Robyn Maree, Chloe Kiley and Rosanna Minchella greeted us at the door. I still had no clue, then one of them dropped the word Karaoke. I LOVE Karaoke. I figured that Shaun's plan was to take me out to ENJOY singing again for a change. I sing everyday, but it's not fun. I thought: Shaun really GETS me! We walked to the Karaoke bar, me in Heaven, again thinking this is as good as it gets. I was wrong. When I walked in, I saw some more guests he had invited: my mom, dad, brothers, sister-in-law and my eldest brother's girlfriend. (In my past life, birthdays were spent with either my ex or my family, they did NOT get along, and I was forced to choose.) My dad and brothers love Karaoke as much as I do. We used to go to the Lady Hamilton hotel together often to sing. It was like old times. A truly AMAZING day! And (by the way) I KICKED ASS at that Karaoke......

It was by far the best day I have ever had.....

Shaun was not finished though! He accompanied me to work on Friday again. That night we went home and dressed up again. He had bought (very expensive) tickets to go and see Fidelio. Fidelio (for those of you who do not know) is the only opera that the great Beethoven composed. The title role was sung by one of my friends from UCT Opera School, and the comic(ish) character by another one - we all had the same singing teacher. I have not been to see an opera in years: too expensive! Right now, I cannot afford it, and when I had the means, other things were always seen as more important. I LOVE OPERA!!!!!!!!!! I sat there (in the cold Cape Town wind) mesmerised. It was such an emotional journey. I rose and fell with the orchestra, cried with the singers, felt the pain and anguish in Beethoven's great composition. I'm getting emotional now just remembering it. GOOSEBUMPS!!!!

I often say that I hate surprises. It's not the truth. I have always LOVED surprises. You know what, after years of NOBODY bothering to make the effort to surprise you, you learn to fear them. I was disappointed birthday after birthday, Christmas after Christmas, over and over again. The worst was that I had made such an effort for my nearest and dearest, but it was never returned. My last surprise was when I turned 21, by my church choir at the time....

Shaun went back home today. I will miss him.

If you have never heard me say this, pay attention. I am in love with the most generous, caring, exciting, child-like, mature, crazy, sweet, smart, sexy, goofy, loving, full of bull... AMAZING man in the world. I have every intention of spending my life with him....

Thank you Shaun, you've made me believe again....

Sad

I just realised something the other day. I don't get angry. I will scream and shout at something out of frustration yes! I get frustrated and annoyed, but anger really is foreign to me. I get sad! When others would get angry, I go sad.

It's a bit of a fuck up for me. When I'm sad I think - I don't really think much! So I'm sad today. I haven't done any work since 1pm because none of my students have pitched up. I'm sitting in my office now: ALONE! I am hardly ever alone. I have issues with being alone - and then I have issues with having people around.... Dammit!

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”

I just typed sadness into google and I got this quote. I like it! It is telling me something though: I must tell people when I am hurt. It's difficult though. Admitting to hurt is admitting that I'm vulnerable. I am! It's funny how people think I'm not. But then, I often think that others are not vulnerable. I think it's just me who suffers from all this insecurity! 

Why do we assume that everybody is stronger than we are? Or is it just me who does that? I look at others and see strength and confidence. I look in the mirror and see fear.....

I visited with one of my cousins the other day. I have always seen her as a strong woman. I still do! She made me think alot. We spoke about spouses, ex's, family, friends..... She reminded me that (especially with my ex) I should just say nothing unless I have something good to say about him. We discussed family: cousins, aunts, uncles..... Why is it that our extended family has such high expectations of us? I expect nothing from them! Maybe it's my upbringing, but in our house we were taught to expect nothing, and then if we got something it would be so much more special. Were my parents wrong? Maybe their teaching has taught me to settle and accept whatever shit is passed onto me??? I don't know. But I am usually content! We spoke about friends and spouses: one of my very special friends has a difficult husband - so I don't visit her. Is that fair? Am I meant to give up our lifelong friendship to avoid the hurt his comments cause? Or am I meant to hurt her by insisting she meets me somewhere else: away from him? Or do I just vreet sy kak?

So many questions, but no answers!

I'm feeling better. I love writing! It is so therapeutic!