Inside my head at 1 in the morning....

The thing I love about teaching music is that I form a very special bond with almost all of my students. We spend so much time alone together, that it is difficult not to. We know so much about each other - my students and I. Not silly things like their ages, children's names, spouses names, favourite colour, favourite food, hobbies...... No - the really important things like their hopes and fears, insecurities, secrets.... I once had a mother call me to ask if I would speak to her daughter (my student) because she had had a bad day. On another occasion I was having a heart to heart with a student. Her dad called. She said: "Pappa, ek gesels met Mr Q". He put down the phone so quickly, as not to disturb us.

The more I think about it, the more I realise how privileged I am. They open their hearts up to me so much that I can tell (the moment I see them) when something bad has happened and they just need a second of my time to let it out, or sometimes just a smile. 

Maybe this is why I have never desired children of my own. Well, it could be just the thought of making them that puts me off....... I love children. I love the way they see life, and find that often I identify with them more than with the grown ups. 

My mind is all over the place and I'm tangenting from one thought to another.

Next thought - should I try to adopt a child? This is a question that has haunted me for a long time. My students often tell me I will be a good dad. My mother says so too. I just don't know if my child will be bullied at school because he is from a gay family. I am so scared of being a father. What if I am solely responsible (with all my good intentions) for raising an unhappy child? I don't know the answer yet.

Back to why I have never desired children. I think many people have children because they feel they are incomplete. I lied - I wanted a child once in my old life. My ex refused. I then stopped thinking about it. But maybe I was trying to fill a void? I don't know. My students treat me like a daddy. They look to me for answers, and they trust what I say without question. Isn't that an important part of parenthood? Helping them find answers? I haven't felt a void in years.

I am all over the place. Back to where I started.....

I love teaching music. People respond to me as a teacher. I asked a student today how one created an environment of respect in the classroom. She gave me many answers. I came up with one: LOVE. It seems to me, more and more, that everything I do is somehow connected to love. My love for music is probably the most obvious (and easy) kind of love to mention. I really do love music, and I try to share my love and passion for music with everybody. 

I don't believe, though, that this is all they respond to. My students often tell me that I have a really rough/tough exterior, but that they can see my heart. My ex told me that if it wasn't for my great love for all people, I would have been a horrible person. I really do LOVE people - even the ones that I hate. I get angry, and say horrible things, but I really love quite intensely. 

This blog is getting quite uncomfortable to write now...

We love sharing things with those we love. I love my students. I love my choristers! 

Gonna stop now. That's enough of that hug the trees and arty farty s#!+!

Good night all! 

Lester

There have been a few things I have wanted to chat about over the last few weeks. Right now I cannot remember all of them, but one of them has stuck in my head....

My mom was horribly sick a week or three ago. I took her to see my doctor. He was AMAZING by the way. I still need to thank him for everything he did for her. That's not what this blog is about though. While we were there, he asked her all sorts of medical questions which she answered truthfully, and some personal ones: he asked my mom how many children she has.

I grew up in a house with 4 siblings, all brothers. My mother had 5 sons: Mark, George, Lester, Jeremy and Nathan. All English names although we are an Afrikaans family. Mark was the sportsman, George the bookworm, Lester was the really nice guy, I was the musician and Nathan was the angelic youngest son. A mixed bunch with nothing in common, except a very strong blood bond and lots of love. We grew up. Mark, George, Lester and Nathan got married and had kids. Mark had a son and a daughter, George had 2 sons and a daughter, Lester had a son and a daughter and Nathan a daughter.

Lester and his family were in a car accident 5 years ago. They were on their way home from Cape Town (they lived in Johannesburg), Lester was driving, the car rolled a few times. Megan (his wife) and Tristan (his 1 year old son) weren't hurt at all. Shay (his 3 year old daughter) was hurt in the accident but has since fully recovered. My 31 year old brother did not survive the accident.

The recovery process is difficult. I don't think any of us will ever be the same again.

When Doctor De Klerk asked my mom how many sons she has, she said proudly (without hesitation) that she has 5 sons. My heart skipped a beat. I was so close to tears at that moment. I have never spoken to my parents about Lester's passing. It's too painful to see their grief. I have managed to suppress my own grief for years. Well - until I met another young lady who lost her sister in the same way. She's one of my students, and we have (unintentionally) shared many quiet tears. Thank you!

Back to my mom. She said she has 5 sons. My initial reaction was: has she not come to terms with this? Isn't it time to let go? This reminds me of the song that my (previously mentioned) student and I sing together and cry about EVERY TIME:

If you haven't figured out what's happening in  the song: 2 sisters are singing. One is dying. The other trying her best to say goodbye. The line that gets me every time is All my life I've lived for loving you; let me go now. But how do I let go? I have 4 brothers: Mark, George, Lester and Nathan. Lester's soul lives on somewhere. He's still my brother, not so? Is my mom right? Or does the song have the right message? I have certainly heard many arguments supporting the latter. My head also says it's time to let go. My heart is a different story though. I've only recently started grieving the loss of my brother. I need to hold on a little longer - and any of you who knew Lester will know that he would not mind...