I Can Hear The Bells

....well, don't you hear them chime, can't you feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time...

I just read a blog a friend of mine wrote on marriage. He spoke about how little girls dream of getting married, how they cut out wedding dresses, match colours, choose decor from the time that they are toddlers...

If this is true, I am a little girl. I looked at the wedding pics of my mom and dad week after week admiring my mom's flawless style and PERFECT dress and my dad's unusually good looks. I used to secretly take wedding pics out of their album to show the kids at school not only how beautiful my parents are, but how perfect my mommy's dress was. Before I knew what being gay was, I used to imagine myself as a girl. I knew in my heart that I wanted to marry a boy, so the only way to do that was to become a girl right? I used to drape my duvet over me (especially at the time where ball gowns had duvet type skirts) imagining the best possible dress design. In high school I had a girlfriend for a brief period (and for those who want to know - we never even kissed) and I started planning our wedding straight away. Designing her dress, looking at celebrity wedding pics in the huisgenoot.... I used to get so excited for the Miss SA and Miss World pageants (because of the beautiful ball gowns) that my entire family would watch them with me.

I remember (as a child) the excitement when I was told a cousin would get married, and I would plan my outfit for the wedding weeks in advance. I never missed a single wedding I was invited to, and was very upset when as a family we couldn't attend Alison's wedding! I love weddings so much, that I even  attended a wedding the other day I was not invited to. I am SO HAPPY that I went!

So I think I have now sufficiently made you understand how I feel about them...

In my previous relationship I ONCE brought up the possibility of marriage. The response? Who would we invite? I tried to justify my feelings but to no avail. He was not budging. Come to think of it, same thing happened when I was thirty. I didn't have a 21st birthday party, was never gonna have a wedding, so I wanted to have a big saal party for all my family, friends and students! Let's just say it didn't happen...

I don't know if it is because so many people around me are planning weddings, or if I'm just getting old; but my greatest desire at this moment is to marry the love of my life Shaun! I am 35 (not for much longer), have attended and performed at all my brothers weddings, have dreamed about this day for at least 30 years....

The question then is why do I want to get married? Shaun and I are living together already, sharing all the expenses, supporting each other, going to church together, getting to know the in-laws, planning our life together.... What difference will a wedding make?

I just want that ONE day that's all about US! Our love blossomed under the most horrible circumstances. We were both on destructive paths that would have had terrible consequences. Even though I have told my family and friends how I feel about him, I still wanna stand with Shaun, everyone who is special to me assembled with us, and pledge my love to him forever. My life has become a fairytale with him. I am happy every day. When I wake up in the morning I am excited because I'm gonna open my eyes and see him. On the mornings where I'm up first, the excitement builds in my core as I wait for him to wake.

Despite living this fairytale, I want our fairytale wedding too! I want to sing at the ceremony, I want to have the first dance as his husband with him, I want to thank his parents for creating the most wonderful man in the world, I want my mommy to stand there right next to me (both of us weeping) when I say my vows, I want to see Shaun's face when his dream wedding (that he's been planning since he was a child too) becomes a reality.....

I know that I pretend to be cynical and hardcore, but I'm not! When I was at high school I had two nicknames: Maestro and Gentle Giant. That's exactly what I am. I am this big, rugged looking man with a beard, grey hair, a boep! I have the heart of a little girl though, and a Winnie the Pooh and Tigger tattoo on my back to match that heart. I just want to get married already!!!!!!!!!!!

Surgery

Lucy Woolley (one of my students at the Waterfront Theatre School) once told me she loved my blog because I wrote things that people thought about, but would never really say publicly. That comment has inspired today's blog. I had surgery yesterday, on something that I thought made me a freak! This is just in case any of you feel there's something wrong with you too...

I had an abscess close to my anus: called a peri-anal abscess. Went to see my doctor despite the embarrassment. He put me on a short course of antibiotics that did NOTHING!!! Found a different doctor (a very dear friend of mine) to have a look too. This was even more embarrassing: having a friend look at my bum! He spoke to me about it. Told me that it was not the sort of thing one left alone, and gave me a letter to take to hospital to get it sorted out. He also told me these things were very common. WTF!!!! So how come nobody ever speaks about them? Here I was feeling like I had this dirty sickness?!?!? It was GOOD to feel normal again.

With me, however, there was one complication. Crohn's disease runs in my family, and I have a very close relative whose initial symptom was a peri-anal abscess. The only way to check for Crohn's was the surgery...

So I left my doctor armed with a letter to sort my bum out! Next question was: where do I take this letter. NO MEDICAL AID! So I went to Groote Schuur. After one appointment the doctor scheduled me for surgery. F#@*!!!!! I had to wait a month - it is a public hospital.....

On Sunday afternoon I had to check into hospital. Shaun took me. By the time we got there, I felt sick. I hadn't felt sick at all, but just knowing I had to go made me feel ILL! We had 2 hours together before he had to leave. Those weren't great hey. I was moody, worried, tired and just moerig! Shaun was his usual cheerful self despite me.

Sunday night was horrible. There was so much noise in the ward, the light was on all night, and I was next to a man who couldn't leave his bed, so he slept with a bedpan...which he used...often... I ate my last meal at 19h30.

Monday morning: they woke me up at 4am! Had a shower, an enema(!), and waited. By the time I was wheeled away to surgery (around 2pm) I was STARVING, scared, alone (they took my cellphone away at 8am), had a headache and NEEDY! I also knew that Shaun was WORRYING, since he had no idea what was happening with me.

I was wheeled out of surgery at around 15h30. I woke up as they took that thing out of my throat, still INSIDE the operating theatre. First thing I noticed was that my throat was in agony! Second: my BUM was in more agony!!! I started chatting straight away: telling the anaesthetist I was sore. She seemed surprised?!?!? She told me to just wait a minute or two until the morphine kicked in. I kept on talking, getting everyone's names and asking them questions while in the recovery room. The porter told me (on my way back to the ward) that she wished I had been her first patient for the day. That way she would have smiled all day long. As we entered the ward I was greeted with a warm smile from Shaun, and a very scared (but brave) smile from Robyn. I knew then that everything was okay. Robyn: "Yor, jy praat nogal baie vir een wat nou net 'n operasie gehad het!"

When I got to the ward I was HUNGRY! Doctor said I could eat. The nurses warned me not to, but I insisted Doctor said I could eat! Doctor was wrong. I could keep NOTHING down. The doctor asked me whether I wanted to stay for another night or go home. After the noise, smells and light of the first night I opted for home. I was brave, I was going to WALK to the car. LOL!!!!!! I barely made it outside the ward when I had to grab a chair and sit and wait for a wheelchair! I felt HORRIBLE! Shaun had to fetch the car, so Robyn dealt with my horribleness. She was VERY WORRIED.

Got home, mom and dad came to visit and I ate again. Needless to say, the nurses were STILL right! I managed (just before bed) to keep down a piece of toast just so I could take meds. I LOVE MY PARENTS!

I woke up this morning still feeling nauseous! But not like yesterday. I can keep things inside now! My headache is still not gone, and I am exhausted. Doctor told me that I was not to go to work this week. Shaun is enforcing this!

The reason for this blog? I don't know why I convinced myself that this was an embarrassing medical condition. I NEED to share this. If anyone else has one, get it sorted, and talk about it. It's horrible to think you are alone.

Just one little fear: Crohn's disease! I'll know in 3 weeks time...

TRUTH

So I am back. I have spent all this time contemplating what to do about my blog. Freedom of expression is way too important to me. So I am back.....

I have never really spoken plainly about my life here. Always assumed that everybody knew who and what I was. Just to fill you all in. At the age of 20 I entered a relationship with a man 15 years my senior. I stayed in this relationship for nearly 13 years. That is it as far as my old life goes. I cannot reveal too much about it, because it hurts the people who were part of my life. These people from my past are the reason I deleted this blog for a while. One more thing I will say about my old relationship: when I left he told me that the only way to be free  and to grow is to tell the truth: the whole sordid truth. I did. Here. There were consequences.....

"...ek het rondgeloop..." This is a quote from one of my previous blogs. This is what he was speaking about when I left. He told me I had to tell my family about the fact that I was unfaithful. I told my mom, dad and siblings. It was not easy for Dad to hear. He told me that there are certain things you just don't do. Mom knew about it. She told me I did it. My brothers said nothing. So I mentioned it here......

Ai tog!!!!!!! I have cousins who read this blog. One of them told my aunts that this blog is a place where I reveal intimate details about my sexual life in order to attract men to have "good times" with. They also told them that I say horrible things about my ex! I have read and re-read all my posts. This analysis of my blog was based on the previous quote. The complete sentence was: "Ek was 'n naai, ek het rongeloop." So this one sentence where I reveal MY SINS has alienated my family from me. I deleted this blog after chatting to an aunt (who had never read it) and seeing how much pain it caused. She has since read the blog. My mom and dad went to visit her the other day. She told them that of their 5 sons, 2 of them are good men: my deceased brother, and the 2nd born. So I'm not a good man.....

After this judgement, I realised that they would never see anything other than what they want to see. My blog would make no difference to their opinions of me - whether it existed or not. So I have brought it all back.

I was told to tell the truth. I will! The truth about me!

I am Jeremy Quickfall. A 33 year old gay man who grew up in the Cape Flats in Cape Town. My dad Ernest is a priest. He's retired, but my daddy is a PRIEST! A MAN OF GOD. I love him and I am proud of him. My mom is a MOTHER! No fancy title. A MOTHER!!! She will do ANYTHING for ANY OF HER CHILDREN. And she has the 5 of us, but so many more. There are young and old men and women from my youth who still call MY MOMMY "MAMMA". I love my mother and I am proud of her. I have 4 brothers, one of them in Heaven. When I was kicked out of the only home I had known as an adult (you told me to tell the truth), my mommy, my daddy and my brothers took me in. Mark moved out of his bedroom in his house for me. He lived in the lounge for 3 months. I love my brothers, their wives/girlfriends and their children, and I am proud to call them my siblings.

I am Jeremy Quickfall, and I am in love with Shaun Klaasen. I have committed myself to him completely. He is my soulmate, my best friend...... My intention is to spend my life with him.

THIS IS THE TRUTH, and I was told that THE TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE