I Can Hear The Bells

....well, don't you hear them chime, can't you feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time...

I just read a blog a friend of mine wrote on marriage. He spoke about how little girls dream of getting married, how they cut out wedding dresses, match colours, choose decor from the time that they are toddlers...

If this is true, I am a little girl. I looked at the wedding pics of my mom and dad week after week admiring my mom's flawless style and PERFECT dress and my dad's unusually good looks. I used to secretly take wedding pics out of their album to show the kids at school not only how beautiful my parents are, but how perfect my mommy's dress was. Before I knew what being gay was, I used to imagine myself as a girl. I knew in my heart that I wanted to marry a boy, so the only way to do that was to become a girl right? I used to drape my duvet over me (especially at the time where ball gowns had duvet type skirts) imagining the best possible dress design. In high school I had a girlfriend for a brief period (and for those who want to know - we never even kissed) and I started planning our wedding straight away. Designing her dress, looking at celebrity wedding pics in the huisgenoot.... I used to get so excited for the Miss SA and Miss World pageants (because of the beautiful ball gowns) that my entire family would watch them with me.

I remember (as a child) the excitement when I was told a cousin would get married, and I would plan my outfit for the wedding weeks in advance. I never missed a single wedding I was invited to, and was very upset when as a family we couldn't attend Alison's wedding! I love weddings so much, that I even  attended a wedding the other day I was not invited to. I am SO HAPPY that I went!

So I think I have now sufficiently made you understand how I feel about them...

In my previous relationship I ONCE brought up the possibility of marriage. The response? Who would we invite? I tried to justify my feelings but to no avail. He was not budging. Come to think of it, same thing happened when I was thirty. I didn't have a 21st birthday party, was never gonna have a wedding, so I wanted to have a big saal party for all my family, friends and students! Let's just say it didn't happen...

I don't know if it is because so many people around me are planning weddings, or if I'm just getting old; but my greatest desire at this moment is to marry the love of my life Shaun! I am 35 (not for much longer), have attended and performed at all my brothers weddings, have dreamed about this day for at least 30 years....

The question then is why do I want to get married? Shaun and I are living together already, sharing all the expenses, supporting each other, going to church together, getting to know the in-laws, planning our life together.... What difference will a wedding make?

I just want that ONE day that's all about US! Our love blossomed under the most horrible circumstances. We were both on destructive paths that would have had terrible consequences. Even though I have told my family and friends how I feel about him, I still wanna stand with Shaun, everyone who is special to me assembled with us, and pledge my love to him forever. My life has become a fairytale with him. I am happy every day. When I wake up in the morning I am excited because I'm gonna open my eyes and see him. On the mornings where I'm up first, the excitement builds in my core as I wait for him to wake.

Despite living this fairytale, I want our fairytale wedding too! I want to sing at the ceremony, I want to have the first dance as his husband with him, I want to thank his parents for creating the most wonderful man in the world, I want my mommy to stand there right next to me (both of us weeping) when I say my vows, I want to see Shaun's face when his dream wedding (that he's been planning since he was a child too) becomes a reality.....

I know that I pretend to be cynical and hardcore, but I'm not! When I was at high school I had two nicknames: Maestro and Gentle Giant. That's exactly what I am. I am this big, rugged looking man with a beard, grey hair, a boep! I have the heart of a little girl though, and a Winnie the Pooh and Tigger tattoo on my back to match that heart. I just want to get married already!!!!!!!!!!!

The best Christmas Ever

Sitting on our bed in the flat - quite an untidy recovering-from-Xmas flat I must add - reflecting on 25 December 2013.

I told Shaun sometime this year that I am always disappointed after Christmas. I told him that I feel dissatisfied with the day, the presents, everything. So my love set out to make this my best Christmas ever...

It started more than a month ago when he came home one day saying that he bought me my Christmas gift already, and asked me if I wanted it then or whether I would wait till Christmas. He was so excited that I decided waiting was not an option. He bought me the only box set I had ever wanted: "Keeping Up Appearances" and he watched EVERY SINGLE EPISODE with me. I was so happy. Shaun had listened and given me something I had desired for over TEN years.

But he wasn't finished!

Since I have started becoming a responsible adult, I have not really allowed myself to indulge in things like shopping unnecessarily. Whenever we go out, I will look at something and decide that it is not necessary. Shaun remembered EVERYTHING I had not bought for myself.

We don't drink instant coffee at all. I have a grinder, a mocha, a frother, an old-fashioned big coffee pot for guests and a plunger. So the morning ritual is usually wash the mocha, grind the beans, put the mocha on the stove, boil water - voila --- Americanos! Our grinder was the cheapest I could find at the time, and little bits of it has broken off over the last two years. It works perfectly, but frustrates me nonetheless. I have been eyeing a KRUPS coffee grinder forever!!!! Shaun's mom's Xmas gift to me was the EXACT grinder I wanted...

If you have ever been invited to our home (flat) for a meal, you will know that I cook and bake EVERYTHING from scratch. Everybody has at some stage had warm bread at our home. So things like mixing bowls are very important to me. My mom bought me a mixing bowl two Christmases ago. I used that bowl for EVERYTHING!!! And so it broke. I was heartbroken and went out to get a new one. He went with and I eyed a glass one, but decided it was too expensive. So I bought a really cheap plastic one - which broke the first time I used it!!!!! With Christmas upon us I couldn't justify buying another, so if I cooked or baked anything for you this Christmas, it was mixed in our salad bowl!!!! I got TWO very nice mixing bowls for Christmas. The exact same glass one I wouldn't buy myself, and a beautiful stone coloured one his mom chose!

My siblings and our wives/partners did the Secret Santa thing for the first time ever this year. Shaun drew my name!!! We went coat/jacket shopping a few days before Xmas. There was one I liked but wouldn't buy. Thank goodness for Secret Santa!

He gave me another gift, but we'll get there later....

On Christmas morning (after playing my FOURTH service) we came home and changed clothes to go to our families. I wanted to wear a shorts and realised I had no flip flops. Guess what mom bought me! Havaianas! She's bought me flip flops before - but the leather kind. So when I felt the package I was like "oh well"! Then I opened it. I have wanted to buy a pair for a LONG time! But R300 for flip flops??? No way. YAY!!! MY MOMMY!!!!

I went to Shaun's aunt's home for Christmas tea and saw the most beautiful bread bin. I opened it up and saw she was using it to store plastic bags. I told her I really liked it and she gave it to me. Another YAY!!!

Shaun's parents drove 800km with two display cabinets on the back of their bakkie for us, and sent us a couch about 3 weeks ago. So I still need to go and redo the lounge. Another YAY YAY!

And finally! My biggest worry this Christmas was "how am I gonna pay the taxman?" Someone forgot to pay the taxman when they paid me, and I forgot to check. I will be checking in the future! My beautiful husband-to-be came to the rescue AGAIN!

I can't stop smiling!

He has taught me the most valuable lesson ever, and I want to share it with you. We are all too selfish in our relationships. We look at our partners who we love and adore, but we are always thinking of what it is we can get out of the relationship. Shaun taught me this Christmas that love (and ultimately marriage) is not about ourselves, it's about our partners. He is so happy because I told him that this was the first time that I felt happy about Christmas. He had sacrificed everything he wanted for Christmas so that I could have everything I wanted. He acted completely selflessly and gave me a day that I will never EVER forget - which has made him so happy...

 We are selfish in our relationships! All of us! But I learned something this festive season: our love is not about me, it's about Shaun. And dammit I'm gonna start living it!

I really am BLESSED!!!