Family?

Now here is a question that has been haunting me for a while. Who is my family? Of course I know who my family is by blood - but is the blood that runs through our veins enough to make us family....

My immediate family (parents, brothers) and I have grown much closer in the last three years. They have been such a blessing. On the day that my life fell apart, they welcomed me into their hearts and homes like the father in the parable of the prodigal son.

Come to think of it, I was the prodigal son: I pushed my family away in favour of a life where there was more opportunity - or so I thought. I thought I had found my soulmate. When the person you think is your soulmate makes you choose between him and your mother (however subtle), he definitely is NOT your soulmate. Yet, I justified my decision by carefully choosing parts of what my parents had taught me and sowing the chosen bits together to create a justification that came straight from their mouths. Just like the father in the parable, my beautiful family (in-laws included) welcomed me back, created an invisible protective shield around me, and built me up again. That is what family does I think.

My new family (Shaun's family). I have known Shaun's family for a little over two years now. I am his first boyfriend, I am a wee bit older than him - okay a bit more than a wee bit, and him introducing me to his family was also his coming out. They had every reason to hate me.

Funny thing about family though. A family is born of love. I met Shaun's mom and dad first. He took me to their home. It was a little bit uncomfortable at first. They could see that I adored their son though. I also loved his parents before I met them - they are his parents. The two of them are responsible for creating and nurturing the most beautiful soul I have ever met. I love Shaun's parents. They make me feel like I belong...

On the day that I met the first of his aunts, I went armed with my best weapon: a pot of love! I LOVE cooking and baking almost as much as I love Shaun. I took homemade roti and curry to Auntie Yvonne and Uncle Japie's home on the day I met them. We all gathered around a meal. They welcomed me into their home and into their lives; as did the rest of his aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I have no blood ties to Shaun or his family. I believe that I am a part of this family!

My dad was the youngest of 8 children. He was a lot younger than his siblings. Because of the age difference, I have one cousin who is my age: Odette. Odette is the most beautiful woman (after my mother) that I know. She has the kindest and most gentle heart. When I was a teenager, I spent every school holiday at her home with her. We do not see each other often anymore, but whenever I am in her presence I feel her love and affection so strongly that I need to distance myself from my emotions so as to not break down and cry. We have such a strong bond that there has never even been a threat that has been able to shake it. Family.

For all of my life I have felt a deep love for all my aunts, uncles and cousins - there are MANY of them!!! I remember looking forward to family parties: a time where we could all be happy together and celebrate the beauty that is the Quickfall family. I then became an adult, and started moving within the family circle. Everywhere I went, I received love and acceptance. This was new to me. I was a fat teenager, so love and acceptance were not things I had gotten used to. The people outside my family circle just ridiculed me.

I loved bumping into cousins when I was on holiday, enjoyed visiting my aunts (all the uncles except my dad had passed away by the time I reached my late twenties), loved getting to know my cousins' children, and I especially loved being the unofficial entertainment wherever we went. As in any large family, there has always been fighting causing rifts between various members at various times.

I was, unfortunately, at the centre of one of the biggest divisions caused in my family. I wasn't alone - there were two of us. After the event, I distanced myself from them - giving no explanation and no details of what my role was in the afore-mentioned event. I figured that if I took myself out of the equation, the rest of them could continue being the loving and beautiful bunch they were before. This did not work. One of my cousins phoned me once and told me that I need to talk about what happened - state what my involvement was. I didn't. I figured that every intelligent person knows that there are two sides to every story, so it made sense that if you had only heard one side of the story you obviously did not know the truth. My mom and dad are paying for my mistake. Family?

I have very good friends. Sadly, some of them are scattered all over the world. There was a time in my early twenties where I cut all my friends out of my life - for a period of two years. After two years I realised my mistake. I approached them all individually. They forgave me and continued loving me as if nothing had happened. Family!

I have a big loving family. We have great times together. My family knows I am not perfect and they love me regardless. I have hurt my family, and have been hurt by them many times; but every time we have hurt each other, we forgave and our love grew. I am smiling now, thinking of all these faces that wish nothing but the best for ME! I am blessed.

TRUTH

So I am back. I have spent all this time contemplating what to do about my blog. Freedom of expression is way too important to me. So I am back.....

I have never really spoken plainly about my life here. Always assumed that everybody knew who and what I was. Just to fill you all in. At the age of 20 I entered a relationship with a man 15 years my senior. I stayed in this relationship for nearly 13 years. That is it as far as my old life goes. I cannot reveal too much about it, because it hurts the people who were part of my life. These people from my past are the reason I deleted this blog for a while. One more thing I will say about my old relationship: when I left he told me that the only way to be free  and to grow is to tell the truth: the whole sordid truth. I did. Here. There were consequences.....

"...ek het rondgeloop..." This is a quote from one of my previous blogs. This is what he was speaking about when I left. He told me I had to tell my family about the fact that I was unfaithful. I told my mom, dad and siblings. It was not easy for Dad to hear. He told me that there are certain things you just don't do. Mom knew about it. She told me I did it. My brothers said nothing. So I mentioned it here......

Ai tog!!!!!!! I have cousins who read this blog. One of them told my aunts that this blog is a place where I reveal intimate details about my sexual life in order to attract men to have "good times" with. They also told them that I say horrible things about my ex! I have read and re-read all my posts. This analysis of my blog was based on the previous quote. The complete sentence was: "Ek was 'n naai, ek het rongeloop." So this one sentence where I reveal MY SINS has alienated my family from me. I deleted this blog after chatting to an aunt (who had never read it) and seeing how much pain it caused. She has since read the blog. My mom and dad went to visit her the other day. She told them that of their 5 sons, 2 of them are good men: my deceased brother, and the 2nd born. So I'm not a good man.....

After this judgement, I realised that they would never see anything other than what they want to see. My blog would make no difference to their opinions of me - whether it existed or not. So I have brought it all back.

I was told to tell the truth. I will! The truth about me!

I am Jeremy Quickfall. A 33 year old gay man who grew up in the Cape Flats in Cape Town. My dad Ernest is a priest. He's retired, but my daddy is a PRIEST! A MAN OF GOD. I love him and I am proud of him. My mom is a MOTHER! No fancy title. A MOTHER!!! She will do ANYTHING for ANY OF HER CHILDREN. And she has the 5 of us, but so many more. There are young and old men and women from my youth who still call MY MOMMY "MAMMA". I love my mother and I am proud of her. I have 4 brothers, one of them in Heaven. When I was kicked out of the only home I had known as an adult (you told me to tell the truth), my mommy, my daddy and my brothers took me in. Mark moved out of his bedroom in his house for me. He lived in the lounge for 3 months. I love my brothers, their wives/girlfriends and their children, and I am proud to call them my siblings.

I am Jeremy Quickfall, and I am in love with Shaun Klaasen. I have committed myself to him completely. He is my soulmate, my best friend...... My intention is to spend my life with him.

THIS IS THE TRUTH, and I was told that THE TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE