Almal wil 'n huisie by die see he

The Afrikaans song 'Almal wil 'n huisie by die see he' has been playing over and over in my head for the last two months.

Shaun and I have been house-hunting for the last five years. Yes, you heard correctly - 5 years! Five years of getting our hopes up and having them shattered by dishonest estate agents. Five years of getting our friends and families excited, and having to bear the horrible news that the deal fell through - AGAIN! Five years of feeling like a failure, because I couldn't make this happen...

It was absolutely awful. I do not understand why we place so much pressure on ourselves to live up to the expectations that we THINK society places on us. Nobody was disappointed in me because I didn't own a house. Nobody felt that I was less of a man because of it. Yet I carried that burden that I had placed on myself. A HEAVY burden. I would continue with this thought, and I will in another blog post soon, but not today. For today, A HEAVY BURDEN will suffice. But that is not what I want to talk about today...

So my story starts some time in mid-March of this year. After many late nights of looking for property online, Shaun and I decided we would have to widen our choice of suburbs in our search for the perfect property for our family of four (Jeremy, Shaun, Kitsy and Einstein). We called a few agents, and set up about 4 viewings for potential properties.

The first property we viewed was a lot more expensive than what we could afford, but we viewed it anyway. It was a lovely home with unlimited potential in a great area. We had our reservations about the place, and knew it was too expensive. It offered more than we needed, so we decided to move on.

We then set up 3 appointments with 3 different agents 3 days in a row - all in the same area. Each of these agents gave us trouble with our appointments. They struggled to set up viewings, and then kept moving our times. We did not realise at the time that all three properties were in the same security complex, and that security was so tight in the complex that estate agents had a difficult time arranging viewings. After our horrible experiences in the past, we were scared. There was one agent who stood out though: a smooth-talking guy named Meredith who I dealt with. For some reason Meredith earned my trust, but not Shaun's. I called him once on the car's speaker phone while Shaun was with me. Shaun listened to Meredith apologise for cancelling another appointment, while working his charm and making promises. When he hung up, Shaun said he was lying. He went on to say he sounded just like all the others. I listened, waited a few moments and told Shaun I trust him. Shaun told me he didn't want me to get my hopes up and get hurt yet again.

Meredith came through, and on the 28th March he showed us a duplex on the beachfront in Capricorn (Muizenberg). The condition of the place was not good. There had been tenants in the duplex for YEARS. It looked horrible. I walked through the house with Shaun. The back doors could not open. There was no key. The garage door could not open for the same reason. The bathroom window could not close. The light fittings were rusty and had 8 years of accumulated dirt on them. The curtain rails were rusty. The walls were drilled full of holes. The stove was rusted. There were holes in the melamine counter. The kitchen cupboards had water damage. The roof had leaked at some stage and the cornice had never been repaired...

We walked through the mess in silence, both of us afraid to like it in case the other didn't. Equally afraid to make the agent feel too confident about a sale. We pointed out the faults to each other and the agent, and commented continually about how small the house was. We thanked the agent and walked back to the car, each of us searching the other's face for a hint of his thoughts. Once we had driven around the corner, we both smiled. Despite the mess, it was home for us both immediately. No reservations whatsoever. Fear that we would not have the resources to fix it up, but an utter certainty that this was set out for our family.

Shaun was right. I had given up on finding a property 9 months earlier. I told him I was finished, that we would rent forever, that I could not cope with the disappointment of this process anymore. He reminded me that everything happens for a reason, and that we would find our home when the time was right. I told him we was wrong. Shaun was right.

We moved in on 24th June. A friend from church, 2 work colleagues, another guy, 2 bakkies, a trailer, an old Mercedes-Benz and I trekked down the M5....twice.... Shaun had to MARK! We got everything into the garage.

About 20 minutes after we had gotten everything in, Auntie Yvonne, Lynne and Celeste arrived with supper. They visited for a few hours. It was awesome. We unpacked, tried to settle the cats unsuccessfully, and went to sleep. The following morning, we woke up to this:

Yes mense, that's the view from our balcony. We are truly blessed.

38 today

It's my 38th birthday today. The day is almost over, but I want to record my memories before I forget.

Shaun is away, and has been since January. I knew he'd be away for my birthday, so I made no official plans for the day - I just knew it would be terrible without him. It wasn't.

My birthday celebration started 4 days ago: Mommy (my mom-in-law) flew me to Kimberley for the weekend so that Shaun and I could spend some time together. We stayed with our cousins Morgan and Hannie, who welcomed us into their home and their hearts. They took me to The Big Hole and we played Uno Extreme (I MUST buy this game). Since I've lost 15kg (YAY), all my pants are too big, and Shaun decided to remedy this. He took me clothing shopping. We visited every clothing store in the mall, but I found nothing I wanted. I then started looking at silver bracelets - I bought one in Mauritius that I really liked, but it broke a few years ago. This was also unsuccesful. We continued browsing, until I realised what I really wanted - a silver cross. Our spiritual journey is becoming really important to us both, and I finally want a crucifix of my own. I chose a silver cross with a black stone in the centre, the arms of the cross are little fish with crystals, on a black chain.

Thank you Shaun.

I was up late last night (1am) marking. When I finally got to bed, I was so worried that I would only have 5 hours of sleep. When my alarm woke me after 5 hours I was not in a great mood, but then Shaun phoned a few minutes after I woke. I was barely finished speaking with him when Mommy and Daddy (in-law) called. By the time I ended the phone call, my inbox and Facebook were full of birthday wishes - and these just kept on coming.

I arrived at school later than usual. As I left my car and headed for the building, I saw Heloise (one of my colleagues) standing there. She had already been to my class to look for me, and continued her search. I was greeted and wished with coffee and a happy birthday video clip - and a very special hug.

While walking to my classroom, I heard "Happy Birthday Sir" echoing in the passages, and while I was unlocking my door the "Happy Birthday" song was sung. Throughout the day, kids stuck their heads into my room to wish me well.

I am a Home Room Tutor (register teacher) at my school. I unlocked my homeroom at 8am to take register, but there was only one child waiting for me. The two of us entered and started talking to each other - wondering if we had missed a memo of sorts. One more boy arrived. At about 8:06, I heard "Happy Birthday" coming down the passage. My homeroom kids made me a card and all of them wrote in it. They also had balloons that they had written messages on. It was 08:06.

My phone NEVER STOPPED vibrating all day - in fact, it just vibrated again...

Robyn (one of our daughters) came to visit at 10h30 - and she left at 19h00. She spent the entire day with me: observing quietly while I was teaching, and taking over Cabaret rehearsals when kids were not performing well. They are so scared of her! She left briefly, but I will explain why in a bit.

I had a good day at school. At 4pm, my Cabaret rehearsal started. Robyn returned at around 5pm with a box. When I opened it I knew that it was from Shaun (remember, he's in Kimberley). At the same time it arrived, he messaged me saying: "...everybody should get to eat cake on their birthday. It's a banting cake, by the way..."

I should have taken a pic BEFORE we started eating it.

After the rehearsal, I went back to my classroom to pack up my things and go home. As I was about to leave, Ronel (another colleague, and one of my friends for YEARS now) said she wanted to take me out for dinner. Ronel, her daughter Nobuhle and I went to Cavendish Square. When we got there, Nobuhle went straight to Simply Asia. I have known Nobuhle since Ronel was pregnant with her, and I can't deny her much: it had to be Simply Asia. Dinner was lovely, company was great, and it was a fitting end to a surprisingly beautiful birthday.

People have been sending me messages all day. I feel so loved and special. It is 11:09pm, and 2 more just came through. I want to end this blog with my 3 favourite messages of the day:

1. For those of you who have seen my tattoo, you will know how special this pic that Shaun sent me is:

2. Robyn (older daughter) and I never EVER get emotional about each other, or share our feelings with each other. When I read this post (during a Cabaret rehearsal nogal), I thanked God for the dark auditorium that prevented the kids from seeing my tears.

3. Cindy (younger daughter) followed with this - she was not going to be outdone by Robyn! I love these girls.

I am blessed! I wish I could continue writing and tell you about the messages my choir members sent me, wishes from Waterfront Theatre School graduates, or the phone call from Mamma en Pappa, the great rehearsal I had with the kids, dinner with Mel last night, chatting to Maria...

If there's one thing I was reminded of today, it is that I am LOVED! If wealth was measured on how much we love, or are loved, then I am an extremely wealthy man.

Thank you to everyone who helps to make my life beautiful.

I can't stop smiling - my last phone call (I think it'll be my last) of the day was from my brother George about five minutes ago...

bAnTiNg

Yes people, I am BANTING! I have always laughed at the banters and said I will never ever go there. It turns out I lied...

In the latter half of 2015, a parent of one of the girls at my school came to see me. The girl was leaving the school, and the father came to ask about musical activities and theatrical opportunities his daughter could participate in in the outside world. When he knocked on my door, I didn't recognise him. I noticed his daughter behind him and realised that this slim healthy looking man was the same one I had seen two years earlier at least thirty kilograms heavier. After helping him as much as I could, I asked how he had lost so much weight. His response was: I'll tell you, but you're not going to like it. Banting.

His was the second transformation I had seen in a very short time. I made a mental note that I had to check out this banting thing properly, but I forgot.

We go to Goudini with my in-laws every year during the December holidays. I do not like t-shirts, but I own a couple for times like our Goudini holiday. While at Goudini, I dug out some t-shirts that I had not worn in months. When I put them on, I realised for the first time in my life that I was one of those uncles whose tummy hangs out of the bottom of his t-shirt. I had never been that uncle before! When did I get that big, and how had I not noticed? Shaun responded in the most loving way (as usual) reminding me that I am beautiful. He then took me to the mall to get longer t-shirts so that I would feel comfortable while we were on holiday. When we got back to the chalet I took out his tablet, logged on to takealot.com and ordered the Tim Noakes banting book.

We came back to Cape Town on the second of January, and my book arrived on the fourth. I started reading and shopping, but knew I would have to wait until the eighth of January to start banting. My dad's birthday was on the 7th, and I was going to be at that party.

I started on January eighth, and the first twelve days were HELL! I had diarrhoea for ten days, had two fevers within that time, my mouth tasted like a rat had died in it, I was exhausted all the time and I had a headache that no tablet could soothe. I was so worried that this eating plan would kill me! I searched online for people who had had a similar experience, and everyone was just on about Oh I felt so amazing, My IBS completely disappeared, I have so much energy, My piles just vanished... I felt like the Grim Reaper himself was standing at my bed. My body went into shock on day 8 and I ended up in the emergency room! 

I searched through my friends on Facebook who were part of a banting group and found one (who looks amazing by the way). She was a student of mine once. I asked her about how the first week was for her, and she confirmed it was horrible. I then inboxed the Banting Support Group on Facebook; they replied within an hour telling me this was normal for some people. By this time Shaun was also saying Maybe this diet isn't for you. He was so worried, that he would not leave me alone for a second when I came home from school in the afternoon. The message from the support group was very encouraging, and I decided I would do fourteen days before I gave up on this diet that was obviously gonna kill me.

My tummy started to settle on Day eleven (but was still crappy for at least another week). The headaches stopped 'round day twelve, and my second fever went away by day nine. I still felt tired though, as I entered week three. From week three on....

Today is our one month anniversary: Banting and Jeremy. We had a rocky start, but right now I feel great. I realised in the last week or two that I'm not really tired during the day anymore, my IBS has almost completely disappeared (it improves daily), I sleep through the night, I don't sweat half as much as I used to, and I just feel happier. Still waiting for that feeling lighter on your feet sensation - can't wait to feel that. It feels like this will actually work for me, and I am super excited.

For those of you still laughing at us banters: I don't mind that you laugh, or that you think it is silly. I just have one request: please stop asking us whether we are going to eat like this for the rest of our lives, and commenting that it is way too much sacrifice. It is not easy to lose weight (I have been on diets since I was 10). It is not easy to get to the point where you believe that your health and your shattered self-image are worth the effort. 

Us fatties feel inferior to you guys all day and everyday. We walk in public everyday with our tummies pulled in hoping that nobody notices the sweat on our brow, our soiled shirts, or the funny way we walk because our legs are chaffing. We walk up the stairs, and when we get to the top we are out of breath, but we cannot let on because someone might call us lazy or idle. Once we have dressed, we look in the full length mirror a few times to make sure NO skin is sticking out - God forbid someone should see what we really look like under our clothes.

Asking me whether I am going to eat like this for the rest of my life is destructive. Losing weight is DIFFICULT. V E R Y   D I F F I C U L T. Giving up sugar has been very difficult for me. I don't miss the bread, potatoes and rice. I miss sweet coffee and tea, jelly babies, marshmallows, mebos, fruit... Saying no to sugar everyday is a challenge: when I make my coffee the sugar is right there, and for a month now I have not had any. I believe I can do this for the rest of my life, and you asking this question of me sows a seed of doubt. So please don't.

I'm going to continue banting. I want to be healthy for myself and for Shaun. I don't want to be shy when we go swimming. I don't want to be embarrassed because I feel I'm too fat to go skipping with him. I don't want to be too unfit to go dancing with him. I want us to do everything both of us ever wanted, so I cannot afford to be unhealthy or heavy on my feet. This is exciting, and I believe it's gonna work this time!

So how much weight have I lost in 31 days?
11kg

It Doesn't Matter Where You Are From

My beautiful friend Maria posted this on her facebook wall yesterday:

It's something I've seen before, but never really thought about... 

Shaun and I have been together for nearly five years now! Yet I still find myself looking at my previous relationship: searching for answers. My past often comes up when I have my weekly heart-to-heart chats with my parents. The three of us are constantly looking for answers in my past: answers that might explain the relationships I have had to give up (and my parents too because they love me and support my decisions). There are nights when we can contemplate nothing else. My (very) protective and amazing mother sometimes gets so emotional that Pappa and I steer the conversation in a completely different direction. 

I believe these conversations are necessary not only for myself, but them. They seek closure for the twelve years of my life that I didn't have heart-to-heart conversations with them - well, except for that time I wrote off someone else's car, and that other time when I nearly died from a heart problem. I just want to spend time with my inspirational parents, and make up for the years that I have lost. Time that I gave up willingly, and without a fight. That is the past...

...all that matters is where you are going...

Since Shaun and I found each other, my life is going in a whole different direction. We are (slowly but surely) building a future (that neither of us thought was possible) along with our parents. We see my parents more because they live in Cape Town, but when Mummy and Daddy are in town, Mamma and Pappa know where we will be. We watch (and admire) each other's growth professionally, and are both amazed at the way other people tell us that they are inspired by us. Old friendships, new friendships, re-kindled friendships, our children and a kick-ass choir keep us busy on the personal front.

One of the most special parts of our relationship is that we are growing together spiritually. Both of us are Christians and decided it was important to worship together. Shaun came over to the Anglican church. Don't get me wrong, we don't always agree on our interpretation of the bible, but we are figuring it out together. We have found a spiritual home at Christ Church Constantia: a Christian community that loves us as a unit. There was a moment at church last year that I will never forget, and that I am eternally grateful for. Sunday 13th July 2014 at the end of the 9:15 service: we had gotten married on the 5th July, and only informed everybody of our union on the 6th July. When we went back to church for the first time on the 13th, the leadership congratulated us and presented us with a wedding gift during the mass. WOW!

To (try and) summarise my thoughts this morning: both Shaun and I have made many mistakes in our past. Not just little things, but BIG OBVIOUS wrongs that the whole world knew was JUST WRONG from the moment we started them. Justifying bad decisions is just futile - yet it is something we all do. Rather than put it down as silliness, we explain our state of mind and situation at the time to everybody that will lend us an ear.

It doesn't matter where you are coming from; all that matters is where you are going.

To me, this doesn't mean that we must forget the past, or never speak about it. Sometimes we pretend that the past never happened. When we do this, it often comes back to bite us in the @*$%. There are lessons for us all to learn from our pasts. The necessary change is just a little adjustment: turn your focus away from the path you have walked, and focus on the path that lies ahead.

A Message on our 1st Anniversary

It's been a year since I wrote a blog. So what do I write about? I went through all my old blogs a little while back and realised that they trace my development as a human being over the last couple of years. This blog is also an account of the end of one part of my life, and the start of a whole different part. So it feels to me that the blog about our wedding might be a good end to my life as a blogger? After all, it is the ultimate climax...

So what to write about now?

When people started reading my blog and commenting on it, the one comment that kept me writing was "you say what I think but am afraid to say". My mom once told me that I was very brave to write down my feelings so freely (I have gotten into plenty of trouble because of this). So the question I need to ask myself is "what have I not spoken about yet?"


It was our first wedding anniversary on Sunday. I can hardly believe we have been married for a year already! When I was twenty-something I once asked somebody to marry me. I got an emphatic NO, and was convinced it would never happen. Fortunately, the universe had other plans...

Our anniversary started like any other Sunday: we woke up at 6 to prepare for church. I played for the 7:30, 9:15 and 11am services that morning. The gospel reading this past Sunday was Mark 6. It's when Jesus went to his hometown, and his own people did not take Him seriously. He was thus unable to perform as many miracles as He had in other towns. It felt like Donald Stewart was speaking directly to me during the sermon. I realised that our ministry does not necessarily lie with the people we love the most. Jesus had to go away from His family in order to fulfil his role in the world...

There are many people in my past who want nothing to do with me anymore. I have been holding onto the hope that one day we would reconcile. The sermon on Sunday made me realise that it is okay to let them go. This does not mean that I do not love them! It is my love for them that has kept me holding onto the pain. My definition of love might differ from yours: love (to me) is being available when people need you - and I am! So I let go. I spoke to my parents about this on Sunday night. Pappa understood and agreed. Mamma has a different definition of love, and we debated for a bit, but she agreed that what I decided was best for me.

It was during the 9:15 service that the floodgates opened: Shaun and I never go up for communion together (because I am the organist), but because it was our anniversary we celebrated the sacrament of communion as a unit. While waiting at the communion rail, Connie came and prayed for us: giving thanks to God for us and our union, and asking Him to bless us in our marriage. This token of love and acceptance is not something that homosexual couples are used to - especially not in the church - and I was moved to tears. In this state of heightened emotion, I went to the piano and started playing and singing the next hymn: "Amazing Grace". I did not get very far. While singing "I once was lost but now am found", I remembered that it was Lester's (my deceased brother's) 41st birthday too. This worsened when I realised that I had chosen one of his favourite choruses "Give Thanks" to follow "Amazing Grace". When the sacrament ended, I had to dry my face and calm down before I could get up and walk back to the organ. I spent the rest of the morning (and the drive to lunch) grieving for my brother.

We went to the restaurant where we had our wedding reception for lunch - and ate way too much - and spent the rest of the afternoon with my mom and dad. We just had a lekker gesels about whatever came up, and it was beautiful. We spent the evening together at home.

My mom is always on my case about having children. I've told her many times that if the world wants us to have children, it will send them our way - and it did. Our daughter Robyn was the first person to wish us on our anniversary, and our daughter Cindy the last... Shaun's parents, brothers and cousins all wished us for our anniversary, the people from church wished us, our friends wished us. It was a beautiful day!

I guess the timing of the sermon message was just perfect! I was told to let go on our anniversary. The only people who wished us from my side of the family was my mommy and daddy. I thought for a second I would end my blog with the previous sentence, but that would just have been for dramatic purposes. I am not sad about it at all. My entire childhood was spent in the church, and I am so happy that the answer to one of my most difficult questions was answered there.

I once was lost, but now am found

Was blind, but now I see

Our Wedding Day

Shaun gave me a surprise wedding!

On Saturday 5th July, my brother Lester celebrated his 40th birthday in heaven. It's his 9th birthday without us already. It gets more and more difficult each year. But this was a big one, and I wanted to do something special on the day. I was booked for a gig, and took a few mins in my set to play a tribute to him. I made sure my parents attended the gig: I was going to ensure that we did not forget. Little did I know.....

It all started about a month or two ago, when my mom was admitted to hospital. We went to see her, and I was torn apart when I saw the condition she was in. The reality of our mortality REALLY affected me that day. That night I just fell apart emotionally. I couldn't stop thinking about how helpless she looked in hospital. Among many other things, I told Shaun that I wanted us to consider having a smaller wedding sooner. We had spoken to our parents about the possibility of a December 2015 wedding, and Shaun's mom had already started choosing the table settings. I told him that if something happened to my parents before we got married, I would never forgive myself. My mom got worse in hospital, and by the end of the week I was sick with worry.

That was when Shaun phoned his mother. He told her his wishes, and they started to make it happen. First thing was to ask for my parents' permission. He went to them, asked for permission to marry, and asked my dad to preside at the ceremony. My dad is a retired priest. He got their blessing, and my dad agreed. He also asked them if they thought it would be okay for us to get married on Lester's 40th birthday (I'm in tears again). They thought it would be an excellent idea.

Over the next month and a half, rings were made, restaurants and hotels were visited, a guesthouse function venue was booked, our brothers and their families were invited, decor was planned, co-conspirators were found....

The story (according to Shaun) on the 5th was that his mom had booked dinner at a fancy restaurant for us. He bought me shoes and a jacket, because I 'needed new clothes' which he insisted I wear to this dinner......that we were having at 3:30 in the afternoon. We showered at the guesthouse and got dressed - both of us in new clothes. I wore the jacket and shoes, and Shaun wore a new waistcoat I had bought him for his birthday. His parents were picking us up.

When I was ready, I wanted to go to my mom's room (she was staying at the same guesthouse) because Shaun was taking forever to get done. He begged me not to go and said he wanted to ask me something. Eventually he put on his shirt and waistcoat, went down on one knee, produced a ring, and asked me to marry him.....

I didn't say yes, I just (stubbornly) held back the tears and hugged him. He asked again. I didn't respond. Then he asked if I was sure I wanted to marry him. I responded (rather irritably) that he knew what the answer was. Again he asked, and I gave the answer he wanted. His response was 'come with me'.

As we left to go to my mom's room I mumbled that I was not gonna tell them straight away that we were engaged. While walking down the passage, I saw that Shaun's dad's car was in the parking lot. I knew then...

When we walked up the stairs to mom's room, Shaun stamped his feet LOUDLY! 'They heard you Shaun' I said. We passed mom's room and went up some more stairs. As we approached the closed (frosted glass) doors of the function venue, I noticed a faint glow inside. Shaun opened the doors. "So Close" from the movie "Enchanted" played softly. I entered a candlelit room:

My dad and Tamlyn were in the room. That was not the first thing I saw though. The first thing I noticed upon entering was this:

I immediately left the room in tears. Instead of a wedding cake, there were 20 (Charly's Bakery) cupcakes in honour of Lester's birthday. 

Shaun dragged me back inside. We stood close to my dad. Our families entered the room in procession: each member with a small bunch of flowers that they presented to us. The flowers created 2 beautiful bouquets that were placed on each side of our "altar". One to represent each family perhaps?

Shaun opened with song. He sang - with the help of Cindy-Ann (on guitar) and Robyn and Cindy-Ann (on backing vocals) - "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. By this time I was crying more than when I went to watch the movie "Ghost" at the bioscope at Town Centre.

My very nervous dad did the ceremony beautifully and reverently. A traditional Anglican wedding - including the exchanging of the rings ceremony and ending with the lighting of our unity candle (and of course a kiss).

I love that Shaun had matching rings made!

Our first dance ("I Finally Found Someone" Barbra Streisand and Bryan Adams - sung by Cindy-Ann and Robyn)

Thereafter we had cupcakes and champagne, pics with the family, and then pics in the garden.

Dinner was an intimate affair (there were 16 of us). We went to an award-winning restaurant on the beachfront - they deserve every award they have won, the food was exquisite! Mammie (Shaun's mom) saw to the decor.

At one stage, Shaun told our guests that we would do this all on a larger scale again. We spoke about that when we went to bed that night and decided that our day was perfect. Neither of us wanted to do it again. At some stage, there will be a movie-se party though!

"I've waited 36 years, I want a BIG wedding". Yor, we say stupid things sometimes hey. 

I still cannot believe he did all of this for me. It's almost 1am. I'm sitting in bed next to my husband (he's been asleep for hours already) just looking at him. I wish I could wake him now so he could read what I wrote. It will have to wait. Only one of us needs to go to work tomorrow morning. 

A surprise wedding? Do you love someone enough to give them a surprise wedding? 

Shaun loves me so much that he always saves his last rolo for me - even if he has the rolos somewhere else, he brings the last one home for me!

Only one more thing left to say: if I had known I was getting married, I would have worn a shirt...

You finished it?

Thanks Tamlyn for the awesome pics

I Can Hear The Bells

....well, don't you hear them chime, can't you feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time...

I just read a blog a friend of mine wrote on marriage. He spoke about how little girls dream of getting married, how they cut out wedding dresses, match colours, choose decor from the time that they are toddlers...

If this is true, I am a little girl. I looked at the wedding pics of my mom and dad week after week admiring my mom's flawless style and PERFECT dress and my dad's unusually good looks. I used to secretly take wedding pics out of their album to show the kids at school not only how beautiful my parents are, but how perfect my mommy's dress was. Before I knew what being gay was, I used to imagine myself as a girl. I knew in my heart that I wanted to marry a boy, so the only way to do that was to become a girl right? I used to drape my duvet over me (especially at the time where ball gowns had duvet type skirts) imagining the best possible dress design. In high school I had a girlfriend for a brief period (and for those who want to know - we never even kissed) and I started planning our wedding straight away. Designing her dress, looking at celebrity wedding pics in the huisgenoot.... I used to get so excited for the Miss SA and Miss World pageants (because of the beautiful ball gowns) that my entire family would watch them with me.

I remember (as a child) the excitement when I was told a cousin would get married, and I would plan my outfit for the wedding weeks in advance. I never missed a single wedding I was invited to, and was very upset when as a family we couldn't attend Alison's wedding! I love weddings so much, that I even  attended a wedding the other day I was not invited to. I am SO HAPPY that I went!

So I think I have now sufficiently made you understand how I feel about them...

In my previous relationship I ONCE brought up the possibility of marriage. The response? Who would we invite? I tried to justify my feelings but to no avail. He was not budging. Come to think of it, same thing happened when I was thirty. I didn't have a 21st birthday party, was never gonna have a wedding, so I wanted to have a big saal party for all my family, friends and students! Let's just say it didn't happen...

I don't know if it is because so many people around me are planning weddings, or if I'm just getting old; but my greatest desire at this moment is to marry the love of my life Shaun! I am 35 (not for much longer), have attended and performed at all my brothers weddings, have dreamed about this day for at least 30 years....

The question then is why do I want to get married? Shaun and I are living together already, sharing all the expenses, supporting each other, going to church together, getting to know the in-laws, planning our life together.... What difference will a wedding make?

I just want that ONE day that's all about US! Our love blossomed under the most horrible circumstances. We were both on destructive paths that would have had terrible consequences. Even though I have told my family and friends how I feel about him, I still wanna stand with Shaun, everyone who is special to me assembled with us, and pledge my love to him forever. My life has become a fairytale with him. I am happy every day. When I wake up in the morning I am excited because I'm gonna open my eyes and see him. On the mornings where I'm up first, the excitement builds in my core as I wait for him to wake.

Despite living this fairytale, I want our fairytale wedding too! I want to sing at the ceremony, I want to have the first dance as his husband with him, I want to thank his parents for creating the most wonderful man in the world, I want my mommy to stand there right next to me (both of us weeping) when I say my vows, I want to see Shaun's face when his dream wedding (that he's been planning since he was a child too) becomes a reality.....

I know that I pretend to be cynical and hardcore, but I'm not! When I was at high school I had two nicknames: Maestro and Gentle Giant. That's exactly what I am. I am this big, rugged looking man with a beard, grey hair, a boep! I have the heart of a little girl though, and a Winnie the Pooh and Tigger tattoo on my back to match that heart. I just want to get married already!!!!!!!!!!!