The Beauty of the Human Voice

So it's been a while! There's a reason for this though. I have been rehearsing for a concert at college: The Beauty of the Human Voice. After hearing the chorus at college go from strength to strength, I had the idea to prepare a concert that used only the Waterfront Theatre School Chorus (2010). We would cut out any theatrical tricks in the presentation of this concert, and just prepare an everning of choral work. The first challenge was getting the chorus to commit to a rigorous rehearsal schedule. It turned out not to be a challenge at all. Some of the chorus members could not do the concert (due to other commitments), but fourteen of them committed to the rehearsal process.

Rehearsals were scheduled for 7am in the morning! Now for those of you who do not sing: it is VERY DIFFICULT to sing at 7am in the morning - especially if the choir leader is a bit of a sadist! But they pitched up everyday. Bitching and moaning..... Blankets, coffee, food...... Germandt.... Robz missing in action..... And despite all this, we got through a MOUNTAIN of work, and we had THE MOST FUN! As in every group, there is conflict between members, but the Chorus of 2010 are a supportive, enthusiastic, talented, hungry, loud GROUP of students. They even forgave me for missing one rehearsal: I overslept....

We had 3 performances. My chorus was AMAZING! Not only did they sing technically well, but they were AMAZINGLY MUSICAL! One does not often hear a group of singers who are MUSICAL together! They were so in tune with each other and myself, that every performance was different. Although dynamics had been planned and rehearesed, phrasing had been decided upon, tempi were rehearsed and endings were counted, none of this was done as planned. We tuned into each other as a group so intensely, that decisions were made while we were performing....TOGETHER! It was a beautiful experience. You guys are AMAZING!

This is what this blog is about: my AMAZING chorus. They sang well, they looked beautiful, they performed! In my eyes, none of this made them amazing to me. I believe that I have the most AMAZING chorus because of what they did for me on the last night.

My closest friend asked me a while ago whether I liked surprises. My immediate response was NO! But it made me think about why I said NO! After much thought, I gave a different response. I said that I have become immune to experiencing the excitement of surprises, because nobody ever surprises me!

So on closing night I knew that the chorus would thank me. I thought they'd probably do the typical wine and/or flowers..... I knew I would appreciate it. They didn't! Robz and Germz got up at the end of the concert and said a few lovely words about me. They then presented me with a framed copy of an enlarged photograph of the chorus. WOW! That was a surprise! It was special, because they had put some thought into buying me a gift! I LOVE IT! One of the soloists wrote me a letter and presented it to me accompanied by expensive chocolates and indigenous flowers! I felt like royalty (a queen!). It was a REALLY SPECIAL thank you!

So we started packing up and getting ready to go home, when Robz again came to fetch me. They then opened a chilled bottle of PINK champagne (they know me too well) and toasted me (I'm getting all smokey eyed now) and gave me an envelope. The envelope was hand made, and it looked pregnant! Needless to say, I was very curious to see what was inside. So as soon as I had packed all the equipment into my car, I opened it. Inside there were letters from each and every chorus member: they had hand written their Thank Yous to me individually. That is AMAZING! I'm sitting on my bed right now, and the envelope is right next to me! I shall keep it FOREVER!!! Please indulge me for a little while longer. These are personal letters that were written for my eyes only, but I am going to take the liberty of publishing just one line of each letter, so those of you who read this can have a glimpse of the most special thing that ANY group of people has EVER done for me.

You are one special man! Love you lots
You inspire me, and I learn so much from you.
...would always like to have you as a part of my life.
Thank you for being a caring teacher.
You have brought us together through music.
You taught me how not to be afraid...
I'm going to miss laughing and crying in my tuts
Thank you for being the most hilarious, temperamental, understanding but "take no nonsense" and "never settle for less" person that you are
the confidence you gave me has changed my outlook on my career
I appreciate you more than you'll ever know
encouraging me to give a little more step by step
giving me self-belief to broadcast my 'loud' voice to the world 

So now I'm crying again! Thank you!! My first REAL SURPRISE in years, and truly beautiful sentiments! I feel so loved.....

CERES

I was invited to Ceres to sing in a concert last night. The Anglican church here is 150 years old, and they have been celebrating all year. Last night's concert was a concert of instrumental ensembles! BEAUTIFUL music performed passionately by people of ALL ages......and me! I did my typical "I'm from Mitchell's Plain and I'm proud" humorous musical spoofs..... I was a hit - if I say so myself. The most exciting thing about last night was what I wore, well ONE of the outfits I wore:

Now I know it's a shit quality pic AND a shit pic of me, BUT.....this waistcoat has not been able to close in over 18 months. Not only did it close, but I performed in it. YAYNESS!!!

I decided to get up this morning to watch the sunrise. Now I have NEVER watched the sunrise before. I've had plenty opportunity to watch it, especially on the cruises I've been on, but NEVER. So I set my alarm for 5am on a Sunday morning!!! When it went off I nearly DIED! I wanted to go back to sleep straight away! But then I thought to myself: this KAK coloured mentality of missing beautiful things just to VREK in bed is OVER!! NO MORE!!! So I reluctantly got up, got dressed and went out to my car. I took a drive up to a beautiful spot in the mountain: the locals last night told me EXACTLY where to go. It's at the top of a ravine. When I arrived it was COLD and DARK! I couldn't see a thing!! But I heard the river SPLASHING down below. WOW!! So i found myself a little rock to sit on, snuggled (as best as I could) in my hoody and waited.  Little hint: if you EVER want to watch a sunrise, TAKE A BLANKET!!! The sky started changing colour.....to blue. blue? BLUE!? Where are my ambers and reds? BLUE!?!? What had happened was that there were very low, very dense clouds in Ceres this morning, EXACTLY where the locals told me to look to see the sun..... I was SO UNHAPPY! I was in the damn mountain at freakin 5 am to watch my first ever sunrise DAMMIT! And Mother Universe decided to hide it from me. Mense, not even a touch of amber!!! I then calmed myself down and decided that I would just wake up with nature this morning. So I looked down into the ravine at the river: wow! Looked up to the mountain peaks: WOW! And just listened to nature rise slowly from a deep sleep..... It was beautiful:

Now I believe that there is always something to be learned from EVERY experience. Though I was disappointed, I think the world was telling me a few things this morning.

I never knew that I would enjoy being out in nature. I'm a city girl. I wanna SHOP! Does this mean that I've suppressed my love for the outdoors? When I think of this, maybe I have. My favourite holidays ever were: The Kruger National Park, Tiffindel (a ski resort), Namibia (especially the quads in the desert) and river tubing down the Tsitsikama River. Am I just bloody stupid? How did I NOT notice that I loved being outside?

The other (more important lesson for me) is this: We are not meant to walk the earth solo, we are meant to have a partner. Our soulmate, love, the one.....whatever you want to call it. Now this morning, I decided to go out and experience what I now believe to be one of the most beautiful moments ever: the moment when the night turns to day! The universe decided to keep this from me today even though I made the effort to go and see its beauty.... Why? Because I was NOT with my love! My first ever sunrise will be with the man I love, the one I have committed MY ENTIRE LIFE TOO! Unfortunately, he's not with me in Ceres today.... I know that one morning soon, the two of us will wake up, grab a blanket and a flask of coffee, find a beautiful spot and watch our very first sunrise.....TOGETHER! I cannot WAIT!!!

Maak jou hart SKOON!

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, 

who would you call and what would you say?  

And why are you waiting?  

~Stephen Levine

I just stumbled upon this quote right now! WOW! It's the and why are you waiting that really gets to me! My students would say they have no airtime! I know who I would call - and I have already. This quote still makes me think of all the unsettled business I have just left hanging though. You know, through the years we screw up relationships with people (often because of our insecurities or social standing) that we never resolve. We just leave those.......hanging.......

I make that sound so innocent. It's not! There have been a few relationships that I have messed up over the years. Relationships that may have developed into meaningful friendships, but that had NO chance of surviving because of MY shortcomings. Now if only I had just let those go.... But I didn't.... You see, when you're student age your reputation and image are VERY important. So with me, whenever a meaningful relationship came to an end, I had to badmouth that person to save face with my pals. I can't believe I just admitted to that!!! YOR! And the closer the broken relationship was, the more I had to make MYSELF look like the innocent party! I can't believe I just admitted to that either! Having FINALLY admitted to all of that, I have ALOT of fixing up to do THIS WEEK! SHITE!!!

Now the reason for admitting the above is simple. I work at a college with people of student age. Many of them do the exact same thing! When I was a student, I felt that my actions were justified. THEY WERE NOT! I felt that I was the only person who did that sort of thing. I WAS NOT! I thought there were no consequences to my actions. THERE WERE FOR THE PEOPLE I LIED ABOUT! 

SHOO!!!!

So what now? There is only one thing to do! I will make a list of all the people I have wronged, find them and make ammends - if they will let me! SHOOO!!!!!! This is gonna be tough! The affected person should SURELY have the right to choose how things can be fixed - that is if they can be fixed at all.... SHOOOO!!!! I'm suddenly starting to feel a bit overwhelmed. But this has to be done. How can I go through life happily knowing that there are people who may still be hurting because of me?!?! Another SSHHOOOOO!!!!!! It's gonna be difficult...... But I MUST do this! Many people disagree with my morals (yes I have some!), but this is an important step for me. I cannot do justice to my current relationships if I am still lying to myself about my past ones! Yor, this list is LONG!!!!

So who would I call? I know EXACTLY who I would call...... I love you!

But it seems I have more than one phonecall still left to me (I got alot of airtime), so I must start calling....today! I will keep you updated.

And if you're one of those people with whom I need to make ammends, please be brave enough to tell me. I have a filthy mouth and vulgar habits, but a good heart. I want to make right.

Sunday Morning....

Sunday morning: 09h56. Home alone. I think I can count on one hand the number of Sundays I have been home alone in the last 12 years! Usually Keith and I do something on a Sunday, and before (when I was still a church goer) Sundays would start with church. On that note, I miss church! Now when Keith said he was going away for 3 weeks, my initial thought was YAY, PARTY!!!! Well, let me tell you something: Last night I dropped him at the airport, and I got so emotional that he was going to Europe and the UK for 3 weeks. I was shocked at how emotional I got when we said goodbye! It seems I have a heart after all.....

So day 1 of 21 days! I don't even feel like getting out of bed.... Is this what I've become? A man who cannot be alone? K just sms'd. He's safe in London! I wanna go see my folks today, but I don't smaak the drive to Somerset West alone. Now usually I love driving alone, but coming back to an empty house!!! Seems I love the old ball and chain after all!

So now what! DAMMIT! After looking forward to doing what I want when I want it for 3 weeks, I am now BORED! Any suggestions? Anyone wanna move in for 3 weeks!?!? I have a spare bedroom!

I'm starting to sound like a desperate spinster! It's just strange being alone - and not AT ALL what I expected it to be.... This is a great example of LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE'RE MAKING OTHER PLANS hey! I was gonna PARTY!!!!! Yeah right. Anyway, I'm gonna go shower now, and then see what the day has in store. A very good friend of mine ALWAYS reminds me that everything happens for a reason, and at the right time! I love my friend!!! So now I must just figure out what I am supposed to learn from being alone for 3 weeks.....

Anyone who wants to socialise, just gimme a call. I am a SOCIAL BUTTERFLY (MOTH) again - well for 3 weeks....

LUNCHTIME CONCERTS: What I Learned......

I usually make a point of blogging twice a week. On a Monday morning, and again on a Thursday morning. It's Wednesday! I have a good excuse though. We had our annual lunchtime concerts over the last few days. All the Musical Theatre students who I help prepare for exams need to get up in front of the entire staff and faculty and "show what they've learned". Now the lead up to these concerts are STRESSFUL for the students....and myself. Because they are FORCED to prepare a public performance, they suddenly decide that it is time to face all their demons, and deal with them - often with Mister Q's help! It's stressful, but I love my babies (they're the only ones I have), so I don't mind.

They were AMAZING! Each and every one of them. I cannot describe the pride I feel when I listen to them, watch them, perform with them! The best thing about being a teacher is that, if you want to be the best teacher you can be, you must LEAD by example. So I cannot adopt that age-old "do what I say, not what I do" attitude. The great thing about my babies, is that they challenge me. When I started working at the WTS, I had a singing face! Yep, a face I put on just to sing with. The more I told them NOT to copy my silly singing face, the more they did. So I had no choice but to get rid of it.... I did. They are more important than my insecurities!

There have been a number of little habits I abandoned over the last 4 years at the college. But, for this concert, I decided to address my BIGGEST ISSUE as a performer...right now.... Because I have such a large stage personality, part of my journey was learning to switch off my emotions in order to perform. This practice has served me well for MANY years and MANY performances. But I always knew that "switching off" was merely a part of the process, not the end result. Watching my students fight their demons is truly inspirational. So my challenge to myself was to choose the most emotional song I knew, present it as a performance piece - but rather than PRETEND, I would make myself EMOTE SINCERELY! Mense, my hart klop nou nog vinnig as ek daaraan dink. The song: "Kris, Look What You've Missed" from Naked Boys Singing. It's a beautiful and emotional ballad that shows the longing of a man who has lost his life partner to Aids!

So I explained to the audience what the piece was about BEFORE I started singing the song. It was VERY difficult. Grief is something that (although I have experienced it) I am not willing to show to the world. But I had promised myself I would. By the end of the epic piece, I had tears in my eyes.... It was difficult!!!!! The response? I was pleased and humbled by the audience reaction. While I was recovering from the performance, I looked around and saw all my students and colleagues in tears.... I feel SO BAD! Some of them rushed out as soon as I finished the song.... My students told me they were proud of me. Two of my colleagues congratulated me....I have more than 2 colleagues....

So it's a day later. I feel BAD!!!! I feel like I did everybody who had lost a loved one a disservice. I did what I had decided to do for myself - and the recovery time was LONG! 2 hours later, my heart was still beating at an alarming speed! But it feels to me now that it was at the expense of others... I do not want to hurt other people!

I think I feel so bad because I did something for myself.... We all do SO MUCH for everyone else that we often forget that we have needs too. This was an IMPORTANT step for me to take! I feel different today, somewhat empowered. Very emotional (not common for me). I feel like I may have been able to achieve my objective without causing anybody pain - and I may have! That would have meant compromising..... Our lives are all FULL of compromises. My director for "My Grand (ma se) Piano" told me that I was not to edit myself during the show. Well Paul Griffiths, I'm putting the blame SQUARELY ON YOUR SHOULDERS! Thank you!!!!! I needed that.

DOUBT!

So this has certainly been an interesting week. It's been one of those where I've been so moody. I found myself screaming at one of my students simply because she spoke to me! There is no justification for such behaviour... Sorry Rosanna! I really AM sorry...

So I'm sitting in my office thinking about my week, and trying to figure out what the hell was "broken". There have been a few things. The most difficult thing to deal with this week was when one of my students told me she had quite a serious problem with her vocal chords. Now as a teacher, I jumped on the guilt wagon STRAIGHT AWAY! I am still doubting myself, and my approach to singing.... It's really difficult living up to my perceived "SUPERMAN" reputation when I'm doubting my method. It turns out that I had nothing to do with her problem after all..... But once the doubt is there.....

I have been told on two occasions that I am manipulative now. A student told me that 2 years ago and then a different student told me the same thing yesterday:

MANIPULATIVE: skillful in influencing or controlling others to your own advantage

wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

So I will admit that I am skillful in influencing others. However, I do believe that I NEVER do it for my advantage. So it is quite hurtful when I get told that. I am in the habit of telling people (especially my students) EXACTLY how I feel about whatever situation we find ourselves in at the most difficult time. Now (unfortunately for them) I think before I speak, so I can justify everything I say! But I NEVER bend the truth to suit my own needs.... I usually tell them the most difficult truth, in the hope that they will do the right thing.... 

Yor, I'm deep this morning!

So nou sit ek hier langs 2 studente en ek warrie oor my reputation. Ek is bekommerd want my untarnished reputation het nou 'n kol op! FOK! Doubt is a terrible thing hey! And even though I know I had NOTHING to do with this situation, I still cannot stop myself from thinking: Is there ANYTHING I could have done differently!

Fluit, fluit my storie is uit.... 

ok well as one door closes another one opens!!! safe

I don't think I have ever been hurt so deeply before by one of my students. I wrote a very difficult (private) message to a student informing her that I can no longer teach her. This young lady means SO MUCH to me. I always felt honoured to be a part of her journey. But, she really has treated me like dog shit this year. So, for my own sanity, I told her she was amazing, I love her company, and thanked her for helping me along my journey as a teacher... and then informed her that I could not teach her anymore. The title of my blog is her current Facebook status....

How do I feel? Like a fucken idiot. It feels like all the energy and personal attention I gave to this girl went unnoticed. Don't get me wrong, she is sounding AMAZING! She heard what I said to her as a teacher. It seems, though, that she NEVER heard what I told her as a friend and human being. I am sad this morning.

However, I made a conscious decision NOT to allow anything to get me down again. I am an optimist dammit. I am a firm believer of "it's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all". So I will miss her, but what have I learned from this young lady?

1. Never judge a book by its cover - this girl has UNLIMITED potential and is blessed with way too much talent, and a good heart...... all hidden under the most vulgar exterior.
2. Never stop having fun - sy is 'n bok vir 'n jol. She KNOWS how to have fun under ANY circumstances!
3. To yourself be true - she says what she wants when she wants to say it, no matter what the consequences
4. Never give up on the search for knowledge - she has such a STRONG DESIRE to LEARN. As a result, she learns new things FAST!
5. I KICK ASS as a teacher!

So this morning I am a bit sad, but she has enriched my life for a couple of years, and the lessons she taught me were important for me at the time. I may not be sad after all, it was a good experience.

Yep, feeling good. It always helps to just write it down!